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corexe said 10 years, 10 months ago:

So I’ve posted about my relationship situation on here previously, but I’ll try to summarize briefly.

I’m 24, my boyfriend is 30, we’ve been together since September. In January we broke up for a few days as I caught him sexually texting another woman that he used to ‘see’. He said he was scared of a serious relationship so was using it as a distraction. We got back together, then at the beginning of March, I saw he had received a message from her. He had been away the previous weekend and had got drunk on a night out. I asked him why they were texting and he said that she had told him about her promotion. I didn’t believe him so told him I had seen the message (even though I hadn’t), then he confessed he was drunk and had text her again. We broke up for 8 weeks, and got back together after he confessed his love for me, deleted her, deleted loads of people from facebook and naked pictures of women etc. He had changed, and was very attentive, really caring and showed me he loved me.

A few weeks ago he started talking to another woman (his neighbour who he has never met). He liked a few of her pictures on facebook. When he was at my house he received a message from her, hid it from me. When I left the room they had a complete conversation. I asked him why he did that, he didn’t really say anything and told me he’d show me the message if I wanted. Last night I was at his, he received a message from her, didn’t read it, turned his phone away from me and deleted all her messages. I started crying and told him that he acts so suspicious and asked why he deleted the message. He said he deletes all his messages because he’s a ‘tidy’ person. I told him that he doesn’t help reassure me that nothing is going on. He promised there wasn’t, and they just talk about general things.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t think anything is going on, but I do know he likes the attention. I can’t help these feelings. I love him, he loves me, but he asks what he can do to help me with these feelings, and I genuinely don’t know what would help.

He’s just been offered a job in London, 2 hours away. We’ve both said that if he takes it, then we’ll break up as we don’t want a long distance relationship. He cried a lot last night and said that he can’t make the decision. If he doesn’t take it, he’ll regret not taking it, but if does take it, he’ll regret losing me.

Anyway, I just don’t know how to get past these feelings. I’m finding it impossible. I don’t want to leave him, but I know it’s not healthy.

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itsabank said 10 years, 10 months ago:

In a situation like this, the thing to focus on, above all else, is that he is choosing to be with you. No one is forcing him to be your boyfriend. The fact that he’s crying over the thought of losing you and considering giving up what I’m assuming would be a big opportunity in his professional life to stay with you shows that you mean a lot to him. So if you can, in the “big picture” sense, try to keep that in mind. If he wanted to be with someone else, or if he wanted to cheat on you, he could, but he’s not, because he loves you.

A lot of the time, the fear of someone being unfaithful, or of losing someone can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you act jealous, or make him feel restricted, like he can’t talk to people, for long enough, it could very well blow up in your face. That’s not to say that that’s what you’ve been doing, but if you look at it from his point of view, if you’re questioning him every time he talks to another female, it could be uncomfortable for him. Trust that he’s chosen you, that he wants to be with you, and that whoever else he’s talking to doesn’t matter. Obviously, this applies to him talking to people innocently – if he were talking to people sexually, that would be a different matter entirely, but it sounds like you don’t actually think that anything like that is going on.

Now obviously no matter how well-grounded you are most of the time, there may still be times where, in the moment, you feel anxious and sad, and I’m sorry that you feel that way sometimes. The root of this seems to be that, even if he isn’t necessarily doing anything wrong, he acts in a suspicious manner. My suggestion would be to sit him down and talk to him about this. Tell him that you are okay with him having female friends that he talks to about regular things as long as he respects the boundaries that you’ve set in the past, but that you would prefer if he didn’t turn away from you or delete his texts in front of you like he has been, because that makes your mind go into suspicion-mode. Emphasize that you don’t want to restrict who he talks to or what he does. Assure him that if the texts are there, you won’t read them – and mean it. I’m sure you know this, but it’s worth stating: open communication about what bothers you is essential to any relationship. He loves you, so if you can talk this out, I think you can work it out.

As for the possibility that he’ll take the job and you’ll break up, I’m really sorry to hear about that. It’s unfortunate that neither of you wants a long-distance relationship, but that sort of situation isn’t for everyone. It sounds like you’re leaving the decision to him without putting pressure on him – good for you.

I don’t know if what I’ve said makes sense, or if it’s good advice, but I hope it was helpful somehow, at least to get you thinking. Best of luck with the whole situation – feel free to message me if you want to talk.

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Deleted User said 10 years, 10 months ago:

Since you’ve broken up a few times due to him having inappropriate conversations with women, I can see why you’d be suspicious.
Do you trust him? Do you trust that he’s not doing anything behind your back?
Because if you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. And by getting back together with him, you’re saying that you forgive all the old behavior and you’re willing to trust him again.
Don’t be with someone you cannot trust. That whole thing about hiding the messages and deleting them is weird, but at the same time, he promised you that it was nothing. That’s where trust comes into play.

Just remember that he is with you and that he loves you. Would letting you read his messages help you feel better so that you can see that it’s platonic conversation? Would meeting these friends help?

Otherwise, you’re just going to ask yourself if you truly trust him. Because if you don’t, I’d rethink this whole thing. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship without trust. It hurts, it’s hard, and it’s such a hard thing to gain back (if you ever gain it back at all).

I guess him making the decision about the job will be your answer. If he takes it, then you’ll have to move on because you know that you don’t want to do the long distance thing. If he stays, then you know that he loves you enough to turn down such an opportunity. If he’s willing to do that for you, he really cares about you and wants to make this work. For me, that would definitely restore a lot of trust.

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corexe said 10 years, 10 months ago:

Thank you both for replying, sorry it’s been a couple of days. I decided to write everything down in a letter, I wasn’t sure if I was going to give him the letter, but I just wanted to write it.

I did give him the letter, and he told me what the message had said; his neighbour was asking him out for a drink, but he thought if I knew that, that I’d be angry. I told him that I’m happy for him to speak to people, as long as he is open and honest about it. If there is nothing going on, like he says there isn’t, then there is no reason to hide things from me. Hiding them to protect me actually makes it worse, so we’ll just have to see if he takes it on board or not!

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