Hello, everyone. I’m new here, heard about this place few days ago, since then I was lurking around, even tried to vent some of my issues on the chat, but even so, I feel the need to let it go to some wider “audience” and look for some kind of answer here. This may take a moment, the lecture can be rather long, but I don’t want to miss any details. I hesitated for some time with doing this but I feel like it’s starting to go into bad direction, and well…I don’t have anyone that I could talk about it to. So, now that I introduced myself (yeah, right ) allow me to get on with this “story”.
First things first, my “diagnosis”. I feel like I’m unable to love. Like I don’t really know what love is, and by trying to find out I end up hurting people. And I really don’t like to do it, but somehow I end up doing it every time. Also, I feel like I’m still living in the past…I often wander in my memories to the times when I was with previous girls, and what I have done wrong etc. etc. So yeah, here goes the story, and some conclusions after it.
It all started in July 2012, so over 2 years ago. I recently ended up a relationship that lasted few months, because I didn’t feel the same way that the girl felt. She told me she loves me, and I well…I didn’t. So we broke up. After this, in July, around month after breaking up, I met a fantastic girl (I didn’t know it yet online, and well…we got connected right away. We talked for hours and hours since it was holiday, summer time. We spend time chatting up until dawn, and whenever one of us had to go for some time, well, we missed eachother, even if it was just the beginning of knowing eachother. Quickly, that chatting evolved into an innocent flirting, as we talked with eachother for over a month now, and we started to think if we should meet in real life. At that time I was 22, she told me she was 18…four years difference in age it’s not that much, but my mind in situations like this starts to go crazy. I thought “okay, so let’s go with the most optimistic option…we end up together. We were almost 400 kilometers apart. But since she’s gonna graduate from highschool in a couple of months it’s not a big deal, we’ll be able to manage”. Yeah, I wish it was like this. We decided to meet in real life in September, as I was already going to her city for a concert. After we decided that this will happen, and after we bonded some more, she revealed to me that she lied about her age, and that she’s a year younger which makes her 17 at that time (no worries, she wasn’t underage, none of that sh*t) and I got a little mad…Here I am, stucked in my city, around 400 kilometers away, I’m about to meet her, and what if I start to really really like her ? Oh well, she was so amazing that I killled that thought in my head and went for it. So, the day comes, I’m heading there on a train, takes few hours but I get there, we meet on a train station, and well…she’s real, and beautiful, oh my God, I’m done for I thought. We spent few good hours together, talking, walking, holding hands, all that romantic stuff. Came the time to say goodbye, and that moment was wow so terryfing. I wanted to kiss her, but was scared, eventually I did it, and I walked her away to her bus, and she took off, and I went to the concert. My friend was with me, just got little later, just for the concert. After the gig, we had like 5 hours or so of waiting for our train, so we talked for all that time, and I confessed that I really liked her, and this could be it. The thing is I was never in a real distance relationship…after I came back home, we chatted even more, started to videochat on skype, did all the things you can do over the internet, we were hanging on the phone for hours, hell it even came to well…cyber sex. And it was amazing, getting to know eachother like this, we bonded really tight. We met next month, it was amazing, finally got to kiss longer etc. etc. But then comes time to say goodbye, as my bus is leaving in a moment, and well, she starts to crying oceans…such a sad moment, even though I ensured her we will meet many more times. Oh well. Next time we saw eachoter was the New Year’s Eve. I decided to go with her freinds to one of their houses. We end up in bed, doing for the first time things we only did over the phone or camera, and well, even though we didn’t end up having sex itself, it was oh so fantastic. So, at this point, we know eachother for about 6 months, and we met just about 3 times. After New Year, things started to get real…we started to talk about us as a couple, though we were hesitating. We knew the distance, we knew our situations, she wasn’t even 18 so she wasn’t really able to come visit me, even though I met her mother, and for me it was kinda lot, to study, work and find time for such long travels. Nevertheless we stayed in that realtionship, trying not to worry too much. Febuary came, and she got to visit me for my birthday, again we spend much time together, and yet when it came to say goodbye, she was crying and asking if we will see eachother again. Soon enough I got really busy with everything that was happening in my familly, school, work, it became really horrible…at this point she already once tried to end this thing, saying it won’t work, but I assured her it will…and then I myself started to break…and here comes the worst part. I decided (alone, without her knowing) that this will end. From Febuary we haven’t seen eachother until May. And instead of having real talk and brain storming what should we do, we end up again cuddling, and kissing etc. etc. and that’s entirely my fault, but I couldn’t resist her. Again, time runs out, we say goodbye, she’s crying and I’m telling her we will see eachother again…only that we won’t. She goes back, and I’m heading home, to write her that this was our last meeting. I know I know, I’m horrible person. From all the endings I chose the worst one. I explained her eveything, how this is becoming too hard, and how it would be cool if she really was 18 at the time she told me, but instead of beeing only few months more apart, we were doomed to be apart another year…I couldn’t imagine it. I tried to come with some ways to manage this…but breaking up for that period of time seemed just dumb, no one of us was able to move to another city, and with at best seeing eachother 4 times in a month was still a) not enough and b) required quite a lot of money sadly. She was devasted when she read all of this…I can’t even imagine how I wrecked her world with that…from this moment on, we had only discussions on Facebook chat, and pretty much always the same and well, I forget the most important part…at that point, she loved me for sure, and I think I got as close to the love as I ever did. It broke my heart too…was really depressed. I think that I could even really love her. Although, when it came to explanations I refused to admit, I told her I never loved her, I felt really close to her but it wasn’t love. I just hoped she will understand, and move on after some time as well, most teenagers do, but she was no ordinary teenage girl…so well, I tried to burn that bridge behind me, though she constantly tried to catch me and ask same questions. We tried to make it as friends, until day of her graduation will come but it wasn’t working, then we came back to arguing and discussing until we kinda burned that bridge. At the point of July 2013, year after we met, we weren’t talking, and well…I met a girl. Through my friends, there was a party and we started talking, one thing led to antoher after some time we ended up together. It was really the thing you’re not asking for but it happens anyway. After we got to know eachother better, I learned that her previous relationship wasn’t too good, a lot of cheating and stuff like that through the course of five years. And know, we’re over a year together, I know she loves me…I know in fact that well…don’t take me wrong please, I’m not at all trying to sound like a narcisist or douche, as I’m not perfect, but well…I think I’m her best she can get. I know how it sounds, but let me explain. All that last year, as we were still knowing eachother, I found that we really don’t have that much in common…sadly. We spend time on watching TV shows, walking, and well…the sex is awesome I admit, but still, after we see eachother for about 5 days, I feel like we’re running on empty. We are getting annoyed a little by eachother, and after this I’m just calling that I won’t come tonight and we stay texting and minding our own buisnesses. Another thing that I know, is that previous relationship kinda exhausted her, so she’s weak…until the point that me breaking with her would literally kill her spirit to the end. As for me, I made a promise to myself that I won’t hurt anyone else, but that would mean sticking to the person I don’t know if I love, for the rest of my life, even more…having not so much in common. I’m starting more often to look at other girls, whenever I’m going through the city, to the point I’m afraid that soon enough I may be able to cheat on her though I never done this…never. To add to this through all of this time, the previous girl…my distance relationship girl…she decidced to go to the university…abroad, making 400 kilometers into around 2,000 kilometers. And she’s my only true regret in my life…I’m starting to think it now. She still doesn’t know about my current girlfriend, but that doesn’t matter much. The point is, I’m stucked here, in a relationship that I’m starting to be afraid of, with a promise I don’t know I can keep. I can’t end this. I can’t go back. I’m lying to myself, to previus girl, and I’m afraid to current also. To the point I’m starting to think about well…taking my own life, really. Just to jump under some truck to get hit or to stab myself with a knife, look into barrel of a gun, whatever. This can’t be like this. Girlfriend is asking me why am I looking so sad, and I’m just blaming it on a autumn season…I’m afraid I may be in need of some psychologist, but then again, no one can know about it…not my family, not my friends, not my girlfriend…this is killing me. The only girl I think I could love is 2,000 kilometer away and there’s no turning back.
P.S. Sorry for that…litany, wow. I didn’t think it will take so long, but yet, this is as precise as can be.
P.S. 2. Also, I’m sorry for my English, I tried my best.