SammySamsterr said 9 years, 3 months ago:

So, I met this girl online. It all started about four months ago, in this online community. The place is pretty close, and the regulars there talk daily, and everyone gets along. I have been on that site for about a year now, and I’m still surprised to see how welcoming and open everyone is. I get along fine with everyone, and even talk to some of them outside of those forums, via text or email, but there’s this one girl in that group that I’ve really come to like. Throughout our conversations, we’ve become close. I was there to help her out and listen to her when she really needed someone, and I feel like she’ll do the same. But, that’s how it is so far. I just “feel” that way, and haven’t really tried it yet. I’m not questioning her disposition to help, since I’ve done my fair share of counting on her. What I’m trying to say here is, can these online relationships really work out? Do they really exist? Or am I right in holding back?

Now, I definitely feel that chemistry in our daily talks. I’ll wake up and the first thing I’ll do is greet her. And she cheers me up in those times when I feel like shutting the world out, and she says I do the same. But, it’s complicated. For one, I’m only 18, and barely starting out in the world. She’s 23, and she has her life figured out, or at least what she wants to do with it. I’m still choosing what school to go to, when she’s already planning on her Bachelor’s. And then, there’s the distance factor. She lives on the west coast of the states, when I live on the other. I may move a bit closer to her home state, but . . . I’m still hesitant about what to do. Another major issue is, although we talk every day for most of the day, watch shows together via chat, and even game together, I haven’t even seen what she looks like, or heard her voice, let alone meet in real life. It’s a rather jarring factor for something so simple, actually. Quite a few of my other friends from that same community have met in person, and two of them have even become a couple. But, I’ve yet to get any word from her. So, there’s that hesitation. Especially since she doesn’t know my age for certain, and I’m wary of making it known out of fear of ruining whatever we might have. I’d like to say that I’m mature enough for this, but I get the impression I’m not. 6 years is quite a difference, after all. So, what do I do? We’ve both confessed we like each other, and I feel a comfortable degree of trust and sincerity in our exchanges. But, I’m not entirely sure about taking this into the real life, and welcoming her into my life offline. I feel like doing so, and I definitely want to, but I can’t help but think that I “can’t” or “Shouldn’t even bother”. What do you guys say?

Thanks for your help

GrayChaos said 9 years, 3 months ago:

Firstly, I’m no expert, but I can reply to this with a personal experience that pretty much defined most of my life.

I was 13 when I met a 16 year old boy online. Granted, we only had a three year gap whereas you have a six year gap plus all these differences in life events, but otherwise our relationship was very very much like yours. We’d never video-chatted, and barely voice-chatted. There was never any sexual element to our relationship whatsoever and we probably sent each other only a scant few 4 photos of ourselves during our two year relationship (so you don’t need to worry about that you’ve never really seen her before – remember, it’s about how you feel, but this is a tricky area). We talked every day all day, confessed to each other that we liked one another (much like you), and one day, we took the extra step and decided to go steady.

It was bliss. Absolute bliss. But frankly, in an online relationship, there isn’t much difference at all from the stage where you’ve both professed affection to each other, and the stage where you’re ‘going steady’. The only difference is possibly what you call each other.

This could’ve gone on for years – our feelings for each other were that strong. But the bad thing that happened that I have to warn you about is this: My parents put unimaginable amounts of pressure on me. It is fair to say now that they were manipulating me to the point where it was borderline abusive. It was an absolutely terrible time for me. I was caught between leaving him, or not having my tuition paid for me and living with him in a messy house on the other side of the world with no future (this is the impression that my parents laid out, as he wasn’t as financially fortunate as us). The pressure built, I faced depression and had suicidal thoughts, and then I left him. I cut him off just like that. You know how easy that is to do, right? It was the hardest, slowest, most soul-grating drag in my life.

Sorry to end on such a dark note, but in summary, I really think this can work for you! It worked so well for me and I have so many happy memories from then, before the pressure came. My advice to you is that
- things like age shouldn’t matter too much (it’s not so much the 6 years as much as a mental and emotional thing, and you’ve overcome it so far, right? It can’t be that bad).
- it’s a little tricky that you haven’t seen her before at all, but the issue only comes if it’s not a girl at all and you don’t bend that way! However, to me, it shouldn’t matter. Mine worked out perfectly when we barely saw each other (in fact, I thought he was rather unappealing visually so tried not to look at images of him O.o but as a person he was awesome to be around so for me, hell, it was good for the relationship we didn’t video chat! (call me a bitch haha but maybe it was the stress, I can’t remember clearly))
- Don’t worry – Distance shouldn’t matter at all! This guy was in Canada and I was in Singapore at the time! On other sides of the world, but we worked around times and made plans to meet (it never came to life, but I bet it would’ve been awesome)
- Your fear of revealing to her your age is understandable. Personally, if a guy 6 years my junior asked to go steady, I would be rather unsure of his maturity. Perhaps… Propose to her a relationship, but keep your age under wraps at the moment, at least until you’re 18.
- If you’re afraid it might change your relationship, here are my thoughts: She already has a crush on you. I think you should try it out! She likes you and you’re very close, so she’s not going to suddenly stop talking to you because you asked it – it was expected! Don’t be too afraid, and don’t let waiting waste precious time :P It’s worth a try, right?
- Most of all: Make sure your parents are okay with it!! This was the real killer for me, and they’ll find out somehow. If they don’t like it, well, you read what happened to me and to mine. But honestly, if I could turn back time, I would be simply prepared for the pressure and withstand it. Breaking under it and the relief I felt from my parents after that wasn’t worth losing him and all the regrets that flooded to me and still haunt me afterward. If they put pressure on you, it’s easier said than done, but withstand it. You’ll move away soon, so it’ll be good for you :)

I totally wish you the best and I hope it goes as well, if not better, and without as many kinks and rots as mine had :) That’s all very sweet and you’re lucky to have found such a girl ^.^
I’m so sorry for the essay and I really wish it was helpful and not too long or useless or something. If you have any further questions, just mail me :D I’ll offer all the experience I have.

NeverSunset said 9 years, 3 months ago:

I’m not sure if it will work well. Online relationship rarely works, it usually ends. I have this experience, I dated this girl, I skyped with her, video chatted, I know how she looks, and we dated for a year and half. She keep making me happy, but one day, her irl friend sent me a picture of her, marrying her ex boyfriend! She didn’t tell me of course. She act differently, like pushing me, for the last 3 months, but I haven’t got the clue. I asked if she want to break up, she said she DOES NOT want to break up. Until that day, when I found out that she’s a married woman. I’m utterly devastated, she meant the world to me. She can’t run anymore, she confessed, but it was too late, I’m too hurt, so I don’t know if it will work for you. I’m 21 and she’s 20.

Jorel said 9 years, 3 months ago:

Maybe it works, maybe not, nobody can say this, but that’s normal.
First I think your age differnece is tottaly okay. 6 years in your age, are not unusal, in my class are many with a friend 4-6 years older (I am in the 12 grade, so my classmates are between 17 and 23).
Than, I meet my boyfriend first on the internet. We realy liked each other (even when he loved me, I was unsure about my feelings, but i knew, that I liked him a lot ^^). Than, after a few months, I visit him, and wow… it was perfect. We both fall in love and now, we are together.
We live in a long distance realtionship. Usually we live both in germany and between us are 700 km (not this much, I think between this girl and you are more miles), but at the moment 18.9000 kilometres separate us from eachother. It’s very hard, I miss him like hell. I want him by me… but it works. we see eachother at christmas, I will visit him for 14 days and maybe than he comes to me.

So…I think, you shold try it. :3 Of course, maybe it sholdn’t work, whyever (we thought, that we will hate us in real life.) But when it works, it works. And you will happy, that you did try this :3

I hope you understand me… I know my english sucks XD (even when I’m in the 12 grade… XD)

Deleted User said 9 years, 3 months ago:

Keeping it short and simple;
It doesn’t matter if you far apart, aslong as you’re close at heart. Ya dig?

(◣_◢)Poet said 9 years, 3 months ago:

unless you plan to close the gap, i wouldn’t do it. the idea that romantic relationships can function over computers/devices is insane. it only ever works if both people are in bad places in their life and they just lean on each other while still maintaining their fear to reach out into the world, not the world wide web. i’m not saying you can’t meet someone online and then date them offline, but to try and maintain a relationship for the long run…i just don’t see it working unless you’re both too busy to be together in the first place but keep a commitment that you will only be with one another.

Not to mention, sex is a big part of relationships. The only people pretending it isn’t are those who have some issue with sex in the first place (insecurity perhaps). And its not just sex, but its a big thing to be able to touch and hold another person with affection. that is almost the very essence of having that other person dear to you. to try and have a relationship without that is almost detrimental to yourself, because then you may have conditioned yourself to not know how to give that affection when in person because you’re used to doing it over a digital screen only.