Skylar said 9 years, 10 months ago:

I know that this group may have posts mainly pertaining to dating advice, but the title says it pertains to relationships as well. So I do hope that some of the members here could help me mend my relationship with my sister.
To start off, my sister and I are extremely close. She is my best friend.
For as long as I can remember, she always got herself into trouble. Any mistakes she’s made, I would observe from afar and learn from them growing up. I hardly got myself into trouble, and I guess this resulted in my sister’s development; Through her eyes it wouldn’t be hard to see that maybe she thought my parents favored me instead of her. I don’t want her to view me as that, but unfortunately that’s how things just turned out. Even though we were raised the same and were both treated equally and fairly by our parents, somehow she was always getting punished for doing something wrong.
Growing up she developed a rebellious complex. She constantly argued with my parents about small matters, she bossed me around if I disagreed; we always questioned where she got this attitude when we were both raised equally.
Now that I’ve graduated college, I feel that our relationship has gotten worst; my sister and I seem to be complete opposites. We’re at a place where we can’t seem to find anything in common anymore. All she ever talks about are television shows, video games, or being critical of newly released films; While I enjoy indulging in conversations of Doctor Who or silly plot holes that directors fail to miss, I want to be invested in how her college life is. From what we gathered all she does is spend all day indoors watching television and schoolwork; She has yet to make any friends. Because she indulges herself in media, she procrastinates on her school work till the last couple weeks of the quarter. She has dropped classes multiple times and has a low GPA..
There have been a couple of times where I have scolded her as if she were my younger sister, and she would cry. When I feel that I’ve gotten through to her, she ends up making the same exact mistakes as we told her not to. Having to sit down and talk to her about our issues seem null and void. Everything me, my parents, or even friends say she ignores and tries to justify her actions by blaming us for the things she does (or some other obstacle like money, not enough time, etc).
It’s gotten to the point where I no longer feel any sympathy for her. When she cries after I talk to her, I’m not even sure if they are real tears or if she does it to soften me up.
I’m concerned for my well being as well as hers. I can feel it in my heart that I am acting much more cynical and unsympathetic than what I used to be when I’m with her. I should be more patient with her, and perhaps kinder. At the same time however I feel that she has taken advantage of me in the past (I still feel that she is still trying to do so today). Perhaps this is due to the “favoritism” I mentioned earlier; Perhaps my parents were harder on her than they were of me. But I feel that we had very loving parents, who spoiled us with wonderful family vacations, holidays, and the love we needed. How can I mend a relationship with someone who won’t even listen?

fairway said 9 years, 10 months ago:

I know this sounds ridiculous, but there is a different pressure to being an older child. I have a younger sister too, and despite us growing up in the same household with loving parents i have a much harder relationship. Its cuz as the older child you have to mend your own path. Your sister’s actions are a cry for help. She’s feeling alone, lost and confused. If you abandon her now it just gets worse.
It is true things are not going to change until she herself wants them to. But rather than trying to tell her how to fix her life just be there. Yeah it gets frustrating but the more you try and make things “better” for her, the worse it’ll get. Your sister needs to feel like she’s in a space where she isn’t judged. Right now she probably recognizes she has a huge load of responsibilities, and is just scared of facing them. When you know you’ve screwed up a lot, you get an innate fear of facing your problems because you’re scared you will screw up again. Instead of reminding her of those responsibilities, just be there for her and reaffirm that shes smart and that she matters to you.
Share your problems with her – no matter how big or small – to give her the sense that her opinion matters, so that she will be more willing to share hers with you.
It’s going to be hard not wanting to slap sense into her. But until you stop projecting that you feel like she’s screwing up her life, she’s not going to listen to you. Let her make her own mistakes, let her repeat them. She’s going to have to learn one day or another.
Feel free to PM me if you feel like discussing this more

Skylar said 9 years, 10 months ago:

Hey guys. Thank you for all the warm replies, they have been very insightful and helpful. I guess I’m just gonna have to bite the bullet and keep my thoughts to myself. I understand that I should give my sister more love and care rather than scoldings and lectures.
I need to pray and hope that my sister will find her way and figure out how to heal herself.