corexe said 5 years, 9 months ago:

Hi all,

I’m in a fairly new relationship (2 months), but have known my boyfriend for 2 years. We’ve been great friends for most of that time, and know each other very well. I know about his previous relationships, and vice versa. I’ve been hurt a lot in the past by people cheating on me, hiding things from me, lying to me, etc.

My boyfriend and his ex split up in April, but as they were renting a house together, they only stopped living together at the end of July; around the time we started seeing each other. He ended it with her and doesn’t have feelings for her anymore, but said he wants to keep things amicable as they didn’t end on bad terms, just weren’t happy anymore.

When they moved out, they were still in contact as had to sort out some house stuff, bills, etc. Recently, she’s been texting him saying she misses him, or she likes his profile picture on Facebook, and text him last night saying she had problems with her current boyfriend, her parents split up, and did he end it with her to be with someone else. He replies so not to be rude to her, but keeps the replies short and sweet.

Because I’ve been hurt in the past, with very similar things (boyfriends talking to ex’s), I’m really uncomfortable with this. He tells me any time she texts him, but usually the day after or so. It’s got to me a lot, because I do believe she still has feelings for him. She doesn’t live close by anymore, so I’m not worried about them bumping into each other, but I almost feel like I can’t say that they should stop talking, as I don’t want to be the controlling sort.

I’ve been in a horrible mood all day, and my mind is wandering off, thinking about all of the possibilities. I trust him, completely. We’ve been friends for a long time, and it’s the first relationship I’ve been in, in a long time, where I feel myself, and at ease, but this has bothered me more than I feel it should.

He said he would tell her to stop texting him, but I don’t feel it’s right for me to say that’s okay. I know it’s silly, because I’m putting myself in a no-win situation here. I just don’t want him to think I’m a controlling person, and for him to start hiding stuff from me, as he did from her.

Thoughts/advice, please?

rinseandrep said 5 years, 9 months ago:

One first thing you could explore is to tell him to keep being amicable, but to not tell you each thing she texts him, or to not engage her when it would be weird, like, you are both in bed and it’s past 9pm and she texts him, or any other occasion where it would be not polite for a friend to disturb someone.
So you tell him you trust him to keep her at a distance and make sure he makes it clear their relationship is ended. You don’t seem to think that she realistically can “steal him back”, so this could work.

In the meantime keep yourself busy with your own goals and friends and hobbies and all the other things that it’s good for you to concentrate on.

If a moderate approach doesn’t work, you can ask him in the future to not talk to her, but I think given your past that this could be a good test to make peace with your fears and doubts, before he gives you what you want and then the same fear just moves on to him talking to a female friend of his, and you asking to cease contact with every female in his life would be too much to ask in a healthy relationship.

corexe said 5 years, 9 months ago:

Update:

We had quite a long conversation last night, but nothing is really resolved. He said that he knows it’s hurting me, I’m his priority, and he hates me feeling this way. On the flip side, because they broke up amicably, he doesn’t want to tell her not to speak to him and hurt her feelings.

I don’t believe her intentions are great. She has a boyfriend, but texts my boyfriend instead. She wanted him back after they broke up and he said no, and says he doesn’t have any desire to speak to her, but doesn’t want to hurt her. But by doing so, he’s hurting me. I explained how I felt about it and why, and he said he just didn’t know what to do.

Things are very weird between us now and we’re not really talking that much, and when we do, it’s clearly not normal.

He said he feels bad, but if he really didn’t want to hurt me, and I was his priority, I know what I’d do, if I were in his position. I asked him how he’d feel if it was the other way around and he said he would be uncomfortable about it.

OpenTalk said 5 years, 9 months ago:

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with these things and to voice those feelings, but you can’t really hold it against him for wanting things to be amicable with someone who used to be an important part of his life. He just wants to be a decent guy. That should be applauded, if anything. Imagine yourself in his position.

That being said, I want to point out something troubling in your first post:

“I’ve been hurt a lot in the past by people cheating on me, hiding things from me, lying to me, etc.”

Everyone has. I don’t know as single person who hasn’t been emotionally violated by at least one person they trusted in their life. I’m sure your boyfriend is no different. You can’t use that line of thought as a reason to be critical of who your boyfriend talks to. It’s not a get out of jail free card for being jealous or paranoid.

Relationships are about trust. Either you trust him to resolve these things and stay faithful to you or you don’t and probably shouldn’t be with him.

Sounds harsh, I’m sure, but it all boils down to trust.