In my life, I’ve always battled with self esteem issues and anxiety. I believe it stems from being a socially anxious child with little to no friends. I also believe that’s where I crave attention from, because I never had that attention before. It also comes from past relationships that have been emotionally abuse, and caused me to doubt myself.
In my current relationship, I’ll panic and end the relationship because I don’t want to feel the pain of rejection. In my rational moments, I understand that he doesn’t want to leave me. But in the moments of utter panic and anxiety, I feel overwhelmed and don’t know what else to do. It’s usually over minor issues, and my short temper will catch him off guard and he doesn’t know how to react. We’ve never had major issues in our relationship. When we look back at our past, we see the break ups, but we don’t remember the reasons why. We love each other completely, we are faithful, we are dedicated to our relationship. We have the foundation to a relationship, which is why we haven’t collapsed yet. But this one issue tears us apart and makes it harder and harder to come back to each other. It’s been like this since the start, but it’s only become bad this past month. Before, we used to accept it as a part of our relationship but as the love grows, so does the hurt. We’ve reached a point where we can’t accept this anymore. I took the time to reflect introspectively and realized my faults (anxiety, self esteem) and why these break ups happen. But, I don’t always understand why these very minor issues are escalated to the point where I feel it’s better to leave him than to work on it. Especially when I view him as ‘the one’ and we do have a very wonderful and special bond and relationship outside these problems.
I understand how unhealthy this is, and I feel we’ve reached a point in our relationship where there’s two roads we can take. One is that we break up and we sacrifice the love we have in order to never hurt each other anymore, and the other is that we take the chance and work on the relationship and our individual issues but understand the possibility of failure. Both of us want to try the latter because we feel it’s worth it.
I’d also like to mention that he is not without fault here. I understand that he’s not perfect either, and so does he. He has similar anxieties, but rather than want to run when he feels them, he wants to hold on tighter because he has seperation anxiety. The two anxieties mixed together is toxic.
I suppose what concerns me is that neither of us have the answer past this. What’s next for us? What steps do we take? Now that we’ve uncovered these anxieties that have been hidden deep down, we need to deal with them and we aren’t sure how. Still, even now after our many conversations and openness about how much this hurts us, I want to run. It’s not because I don’t love him or don’t want this, because I desperately do. It’s because I’m scared that I’ll continue to hurt him and he will only resent me and the love we shared will die in an unhealthy way rather than be sacrificed now. He has the same anxieties, that he will continue to hurt me and I will start to resent him. It’s hard because we both feel the exact same way. But it’s also nice to know that we understand each other’s perspective fully.
Even as I sit here and type this, I have a million anxieties running through my head. ‘What if he doesn’t miss me like he used to because of all these problems’ ‘what if we are never like we used to be’ etc. I think the major reasons we’ve had so many issues lately is because we haven’t had time to be alone together. We haven’t seen each other in a week, where we normally see each other 3-4 times a week. There’s other reasons that has caused the anxiety to reach an all time high, but that feels like the major one.
I guess I’m just asking anyone who can relate or who has any kind of advice to please do so. I feel desperate. I know therapy and self help books and all that are viable options that I want to consider. But I need to know how to deal with these emotions in the meantime.