MousyBrown said 7 years, 6 months ago:

So, I just turned 21, and a year ago I began to date a friend of mine. I was in a rough place at the time, and he was a wonderful listener and a calming force amidst my sea of emotional instability.

Relationship had loads of good aspects. We liked lots of the same stuff, same sense of humor, same general viewpoint on life.

HOWEVER, he was also depressed, emotionally unavailable, afraid of intimacy, and socially anxious.

But I LOVED him. I wanted to see him all the time and I asked him for advice about everything. He was far and away my best friend, one of the few people I felt comfortable around. I adored his intellect and creativity and I craved his affection like I want chocolate when I’m PMSing.

Over time, though. I started to get frustrated. The sex was painfully dull (though I’m sure I could have worked harder to spice it up), he always wanted to stay home alone instead of going out and having fun, and when he got moody, instead of being supportive I RESENTED him. I felt repressed. I got angry.

Other guys started to look more appealing. I began to flirt, but I still didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I would think about a guy, and then come home to my boyfriend and crave his affection just as much as ever. He loved me so much, why couldn’t I love him the same way? I felt guilty and afraid, but that only served to fuel my interest in other men.

Finally, my boyfriend called me out for flirting with a guy at a party. I told him that he was right, and that we should probably stop seeing each other because of my inability to emotionally commit to him. He never wants to see me again.

So here I sit. Alone. Feeling like a total B**ch for forcing my relationship into limbo for so long. I chased my best friend away. I feel like he was the only good thing happening in my life. Without him, it’s like I have no identity. But then why did I spend so much time pining after other men?

I miss him so much right now that it makes me want to sob on his doorstep. I feel like such an awful person that I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

Do I want him? Do I deserve him?

beckylynn420 said 7 years, 6 months ago:

You will feel bad because a friendship turned to love and you genuinely care about this person. However, it seems his depression slowly kept you down as well enough that when he did not want to do things you resented him. I know the feeling. My spouse has episodes like this. It slowly kills you inside. You could salvage the realtionship to a friendship level if you wanted and he was willing. But he needs help. Depression is a horrible thing ( I have it and just started a new medication) and it can hurt relationships. While he seemed to have cared about you (By calling you out) he did not take the steps needed to better himself for the betterment of your relationship. If there is a way to be his friend again let him know you are there and if you were open and honest before, be honest now. Explain how his actions and depression affects you. While he may feel angry and upset for you pointing out what he may feel are flaws, maybe he needs to know. Maybe that will help him seek help. It is hard to ask for help. I went off my meds for five years after being on them for ten and just recently went to the doctor to get back on something. I hope you get to feeling better soon. It will not be easy because of the love you have for him and the friendship that is lost, but the friendship is salvagable.

Chaplin said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Becky has the right idea. Don’t give up Mousy Brown. It sounds like you became bored with him and sought out excitement from others. It’s important to know that this does not make you a bad person and your guilt is evident of this. You will find other friends and him not talking to you is not the end of the world. My advice to you would be to completely honest in future relationships. Talk about what troubles you so the other person has an opportunity to make it right.

MousyBrown said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Thank you both for your encouragement. :)

I think a big part of my problem was the amount that I depended on him. He’s my second boyfriend, and with both of these guys I feel like I threw my identity to the wayside and viewed them as my only source of happiness.

I tend to have a very dependent personality. I rely a lot on others to boost my sense of self-worth, and I don’t take responsibility for myself. This has led me to feel empty, and caused me to have to work through two super painful breakups.

I’m trying to figure out how to gain some self-respect.

Chaplin said 7 years, 6 months ago:

I think this will help you http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-Yourself I wish you luck :)

Spaceport said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Straight up from the above post i infer: it is your mistake
but if possible can you make it up to him or make him happy??
It is upto you now to pursue or leave him… 89% of the guys like being approached by girls…So if you go to him and hug him or make him happy he will be there for you… Even now he might be thinkin about you!

sam said 7 years, 6 months ago:

I believe there were faults on both sides. Maybe you shouldn’t have flirted with other men, but then again, he should’ve been more connected with you, I mean he failed to please your needs.
If you truly love each other, believe me, this will work itself out. Talk to each other. Communication can fix everything. Get together and talk about it. If you two are meant to be together you WILL be together.

Keep your head up though beautiful, the best part of hitting rock bottom, is knowing the sweet realization that there’s nowhere but up.

Arvee said 7 years, 6 months ago:

to be direct and i dont want to pamper you or pamper you or something people hae different personalities initially when you know someone you feel curious about him you find him interesting when you fall in love with him its like all you want is him but then you create a tendency to stick your likes and dislikes over him human tendency when you feel you are right no matter who tells you you always feel your right and are ready to fight for him his not being social was a part of his personality which you should have tried to understand you wont be really satisfied with any guy for long unless you try to understand him moreover sex is not life feelings are more greater then sex you can fall in love even without seeing each other if you have that feeling and comfort but to wish for something else after achiving your goal and not cherishing things yoou have leads to destruction a person always knows the value of a person when he or she is out of your life next time if ever you are in relationship do not try to be happy watching what you dont have but be content watching what you have thats the only way you maintain your relationship all your life

Hopefullylesspretentious said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Alright, there’s a fundamental misconception that most people seem to have about relationships. There absolutely has to be sexual chemistry for it to work long term. Not having that naturally leads to the resentment you’re talking about. It sounds like you turned a friendship (based on mutual interests and emotional support) into a relationship because you needed the increased intimacy and support that came with that even though the relationship wasn’t really right for you. You can be that dependent on someone without loving them romantically. Love is pretty complicated. You can crave that affection and support because you know it makes you feel good, but that isn’t actually romantic love. Romantic love is actually being obsessed and compatible with the person on all levels that aren’t dealbreakers, and that includes the way he socially copes and your mutual sex life. You also need to be able to understand what he feels for long term compatibility. I know that my unwillingness to open up has frustrated the people I’ve been with. It sounds like you had most of what you needed for a healthy long term relationship, but it wasn’t quite there and there were a few irreconcilable differences. That makes it really difficult to break up, and I understand your guilt, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do. You can be aware of the fact that you need him as a friend, but as a boyfriend he wasn’t right for you. Also, it’s kind of immature for him to refuse to talk to you at this point.

MousyBrown said 7 years, 5 months ago:

Thank you, Hopelesslylesspretentious. That’s good advice, and I think that’s a pretty accurate summation of what went down.

I think I’ve got to try to believe that I will find others who are more appealing to me, and that they will find me appealing in return. Ah, the eternal struggle.