MousyBrown said 9 years, 4 months ago:

So, I just turned 21, and a year ago I began to date a friend of mine. I was in a rough place at the time, and he was a wonderful listener and a calming force amidst my sea of emotional instability.

Relationship had loads of good aspects. We liked lots of the same stuff, same sense of humor, same general viewpoint on life.

HOWEVER, he was also depressed, emotionally unavailable, afraid of intimacy, and socially anxious.

But I LOVED him. I wanted to see him all the time and I asked him for advice about everything. He was far and away my best friend, one of the few people I felt comfortable around. I adored his intellect and creativity and I craved his affection like I want chocolate when I’m PMSing.

Over time, though. I started to get frustrated. The sex was painfully dull (though I’m sure I could have worked harder to spice it up), he always wanted to stay home alone instead of going out and having fun, and when he got moody, instead of being supportive I RESENTED him. I felt repressed. I got angry.

Other guys started to look more appealing. I began to flirt, but I still didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I would think about a guy, and then come home to my boyfriend and crave his affection just as much as ever. He loved me so much, why couldn’t I love him the same way? I felt guilty and afraid, but that only served to fuel my interest in other men.

Finally, my boyfriend called me out for flirting with a guy at a party. I told him that he was right, and that we should probably stop seeing each other because of my inability to emotionally commit to him. He never wants to see me again.

So here I sit. Alone. Feeling like a total B**ch for forcing my relationship into limbo for so long. I chased my best friend away. I feel like he was the only good thing happening in my life. Without him, it’s like I have no identity. But then why did I spend so much time pining after other men?

I miss him so much right now that it makes me want to sob on his doorstep. I feel like such an awful person that I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

Do I want him? Do I deserve him?

Chaplin said 9 years, 4 months ago:

Becky has the right idea. Don’t give up Mousy Brown. It sounds like you became bored with him and sought out excitement from others. It’s important to know that this does not make you a bad person and your guilt is evident of this. You will find other friends and him not talking to you is not the end of the world. My advice to you would be to completely honest in future relationships. Talk about what troubles you so the other person has an opportunity to make it right.

Chaplin said 9 years, 4 months ago:

I think this will help you http://www.wikihow.com/Respect-Yourself I wish you luck

sam said 9 years, 4 months ago:

I believe there were faults on both sides. Maybe you shouldn’t have flirted with other men, but then again, he should’ve been more connected with you, I mean he failed to please your needs.
If you truly love each other, believe me, this will work itself out. Talk to each other. Communication can fix everything. Get together and talk about it. If you two are meant to be together you WILL be together.

Keep your head up though beautiful, the best part of hitting rock bottom, is knowing the sweet realization that there’s nowhere but up.

Hopefullylesspretentious said 9 years, 3 months ago:

Alright, there’s a fundamental misconception that most people seem to have about relationships. There absolutely has to be sexual chemistry for it to work long term. Not having that naturally leads to the resentment you’re talking about. It sounds like you turned a friendship (based on mutual interests and emotional support) into a relationship because you needed the increased intimacy and support that came with that even though the relationship wasn’t really right for you. You can be that dependent on someone without loving them romantically. Love is pretty complicated. You can crave that affection and support because you know it makes you feel good, but that isn’t actually romantic love. Romantic love is actually being obsessed and compatible with the person on all levels that aren’t dealbreakers, and that includes the way he socially copes and your mutual sex life. You also need to be able to understand what he feels for long term compatibility. I know that my unwillingness to open up has frustrated the people I’ve been with. It sounds like you had most of what you needed for a healthy long term relationship, but it wasn’t quite there and there were a few irreconcilable differences. That makes it really difficult to break up, and I understand your guilt, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do. You can be aware of the fact that you need him as a friend, but as a boyfriend he wasn’t right for you. Also, it’s kind of immature for him to refuse to talk to you at this point.