So, I just turned 21, and a year ago I began to date a friend of mine. I was in a rough place at the time, and he was a wonderful listener and a calming force amidst my sea of emotional instability.
Relationship had loads of good aspects. We liked lots of the same stuff, same sense of humor, same general viewpoint on life.
HOWEVER, he was also depressed, emotionally unavailable, afraid of intimacy, and socially anxious.
But I LOVED him. I wanted to see him all the time and I asked him for advice about everything. He was far and away my best friend, one of the few people I felt comfortable around. I adored his intellect and creativity and I craved his affection like I want chocolate when I’m PMSing.
Over time, though. I started to get frustrated. The sex was painfully dull (though I’m sure I could have worked harder to spice it up), he always wanted to stay home alone instead of going out and having fun, and when he got moody, instead of being supportive I RESENTED him. I felt repressed. I got angry.
Other guys started to look more appealing. I began to flirt, but I still didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I would think about a guy, and then come home to my boyfriend and crave his affection just as much as ever. He loved me so much, why couldn’t I love him the same way? I felt guilty and afraid, but that only served to fuel my interest in other men.
Finally, my boyfriend called me out for flirting with a guy at a party. I told him that he was right, and that we should probably stop seeing each other because of my inability to emotionally commit to him. He never wants to see me again.
So here I sit. Alone. Feeling like a total B**ch for forcing my relationship into limbo for so long. I chased my best friend away. I feel like he was the only good thing happening in my life. Without him, it’s like I have no identity. But then why did I spend so much time pining after other men?
I miss him so much right now that it makes me want to sob on his doorstep. I feel like such an awful person that I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
Do I want him? Do I deserve him?