Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this and give feedback. I am new here and hope I can get some help with my issue.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We do have an age difference which is often the subject of jokes from both him and myself. I am 26 and he is 37. He is a wonderful, intelligent and, most importantly, funny guy. In addition to this, he has a mysterious personality. As in, I really had to adjust to his sarcastic sense of humor and lack of facial expression during communication. He has two dogs which he absolutely adores and it is so cute to see him hug and cuddle them and tell them he loves them. And this is how I know he truly is a softie inside. He is very loving, and I even get to experience that once in a while.
When we first got together, it was primarily for sex. There was a long build up before it actually happened because I wanted both of us to get tested before beginning a new sexual relationship. We discussed in detail what we like to do and how often. I mentioned that receiving oral sex is important to me; he told me he wouldn’t let me sleep through the night because he likes to do it several times in a row. He bought books on performing oral because he was inexperienced. Once we finally got together, the sex did not disappoint. Now, I do not (or at least have not yet) orgasm from intercourse. This has been fine with me because my previous partners would most often go down on me before the main event and get me off or at least warm me up. Not this guy. Several months into our sexual relationship and still no oral, I began getting impatient. When I brought it up several times, his response was “Sorry to disappoint.” And nothing else. He did not read the book he got, apparently he hates reading. During sex, which usually happened without foreplay, he would ask me “Are you almost there?” meaning am I close to orgasm, to which I would respond with “No, I don’t get off this way”. Like, really? I made this very clear in the beginning.
Well, a few months went by and we entered into an official romantic relationship. Aside from the sexual issues, this is the perfect man. He knows how to fix anything, builds things, cooks, cleans, can maintain a conversation, and always makes me laugh. Overall, he is a very interesting person and I love his personality. But our bedroom issues continued to build…
In every other area, communication was there. We both made a point to be direct when communicating and have gotten pretty good at resolving conflicts with minimal pouty-time. But when it came to discussing sex, he would shut down. I saw myself become a nag about the oral sex issue. Then, I realized that we were suddenly having sex only once a week, if not less. (This is something we discussed prior to getting together, I told him I liked it 3-4 times a week). I have to give him credit, though, he has made two efforts to go down on me. The first time kinda sucked, but I thanked him and initiated intercourse shortly afterwards (I didn’t want it to be too intense his first time). The second time he was a little tipsy and it was actually fantastic, but he didn’t take me all the way (which was fine).
Now, it’s been 5 months since the last oral sex attempt, and we are still having sex maybe once a week. I tried talking about it, but he hates it and shuts down still. He tells me “It’s not you, it’s me.” He admits this is not like him, that he always had a healthy sex drive. But I can tell he is not really into the sex anymore. He makes jokes and tries to have conversations while I am on top of him… It’s gotten to the point where I had to tell him to stop because it is distracting. Oh, and I still have not had an orgasm during sex. I just don’t think I’m built that way. (According to him, all of his past girlfriends came vaginally with no effort *eyeroll*). At this point, this is a sore subject for us. He tells me he feels like a failure for not performing to my standards. I feel like a total ass for always complaining about the lack of sex. Clearly, my approach is not working.
The reason why I finally decided to write here is the conversation we had last night. He made a joke to which I rolled my eyes, and he said he thinks I don’t find him funny anymore. To which I blurted out “Ok, I’ll just be honest with you. You don’t f**k me, so I don’t really like you as much anymore.” And then I realized just how much this issue has affected our relationship. I am regularly contemplating breaking up with him, even though I absolutely love everything about this man. But the lack of sex feels like lack of love from his side, and the absence of oral sex feels like disrespect. In the course of our conversation, he brought up something new. He said that the way I act after we DO have sex turns him off. Apparently, I put out a bad attitude because he can’t get me off. This is news to me because I thought I was making an effort to always be supportive and encouraging, since he feels intimidated and inadequate when it comes to sex.
Clearly I need to change my approach. I have been known to be intense and naggy in the past, and I guess I didn’t notice myself doing it to this man. I don’t want to lose this relationship. Please help me get my boyfriend back.