vonnegutslovechild said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this and give feedback. I am new here and hope I can get some help with my issue.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We do have an age difference which is often the subject of jokes from both him and myself. I am 26 and he is 37. He is a wonderful, intelligent and, most importantly, funny guy. In addition to this, he has a mysterious personality. As in, I really had to adjust to his sarcastic sense of humor and lack of facial expression during communication. He has two dogs which he absolutely adores and it is so cute to see him hug and cuddle them and tell them he loves them. And this is how I know he truly is a softie inside. He is very loving, and I even get to experience that once in a while.

When we first got together, it was primarily for sex. There was a long build up before it actually happened because I wanted both of us to get tested before beginning a new sexual relationship. We discussed in detail what we like to do and how often. I mentioned that receiving oral sex is important to me; he told me he wouldn’t let me sleep through the night because he likes to do it several times in a row. He bought books on performing oral because he was inexperienced. Once we finally got together, the sex did not disappoint. Now, I do not (or at least have not yet) orgasm from intercourse. This has been fine with me because my previous partners would most often go down on me before the main event and get me off or at least warm me up. Not this guy. Several months into our sexual relationship and still no oral, I began getting impatient. When I brought it up several times, his response was “Sorry to disappoint.” And nothing else. He did not read the book he got, apparently he hates reading. During sex, which usually happened without foreplay, he would ask me “Are you almost there?” meaning am I close to orgasm, to which I would respond with “No, I don’t get off this way”. Like, really? I made this very clear in the beginning.

Well, a few months went by and we entered into an official romantic relationship. Aside from the sexual issues, this is the perfect man. He knows how to fix anything, builds things, cooks, cleans, can maintain a conversation, and always makes me laugh. Overall, he is a very interesting person and I love his personality. But our bedroom issues continued to build…

In every other area, communication was there. We both made a point to be direct when communicating and have gotten pretty good at resolving conflicts with minimal pouty-time. But when it came to discussing sex, he would shut down. I saw myself become a nag about the oral sex issue. Then, I realized that we were suddenly having sex only once a week, if not less. (This is something we discussed prior to getting together, I told him I liked it 3-4 times a week). I have to give him credit, though, he has made two efforts to go down on me. The first time kinda sucked, but I thanked him and initiated intercourse shortly afterwards (I didn’t want it to be too intense his first time). The second time he was a little tipsy and it was actually fantastic, but he didn’t take me all the way (which was fine).

Now, it’s been 5 months since the last oral sex attempt, and we are still having sex maybe once a week. I tried talking about it, but he hates it and shuts down still. He tells me “It’s not you, it’s me.” He admits this is not like him, that he always had a healthy sex drive. But I can tell he is not really into the sex anymore. He makes jokes and tries to have conversations while I am on top of him… It’s gotten to the point where I had to tell him to stop because it is distracting. Oh, and I still have not had an orgasm during sex. I just don’t think I’m built that way. (According to him, all of his past girlfriends came vaginally with no effort *eyeroll*). At this point, this is a sore subject for us. He tells me he feels like a failure for not performing to my standards. I feel like a total ass for always complaining about the lack of sex. Clearly, my approach is not working.

The reason why I finally decided to write here is the conversation we had last night. He made a joke to which I rolled my eyes, and he said he thinks I don’t find him funny anymore. To which I blurted out “Ok, I’ll just be honest with you. You don’t f**k me, so I don’t really like you as much anymore.” And then I realized just how much this issue has affected our relationship. I am regularly contemplating breaking up with him, even though I absolutely love everything about this man. But the lack of sex feels like lack of love from his side, and the absence of oral sex feels like disrespect. In the course of our conversation, he brought up something new. He said that the way I act after we DO have sex turns him off. Apparently, I put out a bad attitude because he can’t get me off. This is news to me because I thought I was making an effort to always be supportive and encouraging, since he feels intimidated and inadequate when it comes to sex.

Clearly I need to change my approach. I have been known to be intense and naggy in the past, and I guess I didn’t notice myself doing it to this man. I don’t want to lose this relationship. Please help me get my boyfriend back.

Deleted User said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Since he got a book, I’m wondering if the reason he doesn’t want to go down on you is performance anxiety?
I wonder would the 69 position help? Boosting his confidence at all opportunities.
It could also be the fact that you find it hard to cum with just intercourse(not at all unusual btw) that is getting to him as sometimes I think this can be a real shot to guy’s ego’s.
Have you asked him about his sexual fantasies?
Maybe trying something like the sex dice game might help put some fun back into things?


Hope this helps and things get better for you both.

Mutti said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Well, he is being a li’l inconsiderate!
If he cant keep u happy in bed, trust me, u need to analyse this relationship right now!

MousyBrown said 7 years, 6 months ago:

In the three days since you posted this, have you been able to have a more constructive talk with your boyfriend about your sex life?

In my (limited) experience, sexual incompatibility can be a really serious issue in relationships. People tend to think they can write it off as unimportant as long as their SO is great in other ways, but it can ultimately lead to a lot of pain and resentment, which you seem to be feeling right now.

From what you’ve written, it seems like he’s pretty scared to go down on you. Due to his inexperience, I would imagine that he’s afraid that he’s going to mess something up and leave you disappointed.

I would encourage you to have another conversation with him, one in which you assure him that you don’t find him lacking as a lover, you just want to work together to make both of you feel good. Tell him about that time that he gave “fantastic” oral sex. Let him know how much you loved it, and how you’ve been dying to have the same experience with him again.

I think he shuts you down when discussing sex because he feels like he can’t make you happy. If you let him know that he DOES make you happy, but that practicing some oral sex would make you EVEN MORE happy, he may be more open to talk.

Remind him that he’s loved, and then hear what he has to say. Let us know how it goes!

beckylynn420 said 7 years, 6 months ago:

He could be not going down on you because he just does not like to do it. I do not prefer to give my husband blow jobs because one, it does nothing for me and two I just kinda don’t like to do it. Could be the case for him. Do you ever masterbate and if so can you get yourself off that way? If there is not enough foreplay before hand it is hard to climax. You can ever get RIGHT THERE and never complete. If you are used to getting orgasms thru oral sex that could be part of the reason why you do not orgasm during sex. Sounds like a lot of sexual tension in the relationship and it needs to be reevaluated. One would think at his age he would be able to talk about sex more openly, but that is not always the case. A man’s libido is sometimes considered his manhood. If by being supportive after sex you mean you tell him its ok you did not get off or things of that nature, that is actually more hurtful to a man than helpful. They already know the orgasm was lacking but to hear about it makes it worse. I would re evaluate.

vonnegutslovechild said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and for offering your insights. I will reply to each comment in order in which they were posted.

Rising Above – yes, I have asked him many times about his fetishes/fantasies. At first, he used to say “I’ll tell you later” and now he just says he doesn’t really have any. He is very hard to read. We did 69 once – that was the second time he went down on me and it was very passionate and enjoyable. Since then he hasn’t gone down on me and has told me that something in his brain makes him stop when he is about to do it. During this conversation he also told me it makes him gag, and wondered out loud if he was possibly sexually abused as a child and is repressing it. The possibility of that made me very concerned and I stopped asking for oral sex altogether. Instead I suggested that he get me off another way, for example, manually. Since then he has been more attentive in that respect so I know he listened. He hasn’t been successful at bringing me to orgasm yet but the quality of sex and amount of foreplay have increased. The frequency has not, however. This is still an issue.

Mutti – breaking up as an option has crossed my mind but for now I have decided to stick it out. I truly love this man and he has changed my life for the better in so many ways that ending this relationship solely because of sexual issues would be a mistake.

MousyBrown – actually, yes. After hearing him say that he feels that I give him a “bad attitude” after sex, I suggested we stop having sex for a while and use the time and energy to focus on the relationship so that we could heal any hurt related to our sex life. He didn’t agree or disagree with my plan and told me how much I remind him of himself when he was my age (remember, he is 37 and I am 26), being sex-obsessed and trying to set standards (frequency) for his significant others. To him, he said, sex should just happen spontaneously, without pressure or expectations. I agreed with that sentiment, but I guess for me that spontaneous desire just comes more often. I have come to understand that as the partner with the higher sex drive, I should let him initiate to ensure that he doesn’t feel pressured into it when he is not in the mood. I feel like I express how much I love him and appreciate his efforts quite often but I guess I should reevaluate how I word it since his insecurities are not going away.

Last night we had fun hanging out, met with a friend at a bar, then when we got home and got into bed, he was all over me. That was definitely the spontaneous sex he talked about. There was passion and pleasure. I didn’t cum, but I had fun and felt super close to him. I told him that today and thanked him for giving me a great time. I am going to continue this more laid-back approach for a few months so that hopefully we can put the fun back into our sex life.

beckylynn420 – that is definitely a possibility. I just want to have an orgasm by him, doesn’t matter how. Of course, I would prefer it be by oral but using toys or hands would be wonderful as well. Today he said he feels very insecure after sex because he thinks I’m mad that he couldn’t make me cum yet again. I immediately told him that it’s not at all how I feel and that being intimate with him and getting that attention is most important to me. I complimented his skills and appearance and it seemed to make him feel more at ease.

What do you guys think of me buying a Hitachi magic wand for use during foreplay? He suggested it last week and was going to buy it but then realized he needed the money to pay bills instead. That is not a problem for me, I have the means to buy it for us, and if it means my man will finally see me orgasm, then I’m sold. Anyone have experience with the wand?

We have been dating just about a year, so we are still working on developing good communication. So I am not looking to break up at this point. I could see myself marrying this guy so I am willing to work hard for our relationship.

MousyBrown said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Buy the wand! I am 100% behind that plan. It’ll give him the chance to see you orgasm without the initial pressure of making it happen.

Also, vibrators are just something I believe every girl should have. :)