DJ said 9 years, 1 month ago:
A little background…
I had some big, scary, hard, depressing, life altering things happen to me about 5/6 years ago… including medical problems that almost killed me and divorce. I had always been a little moody, but all of that life crud triggered much more than my normal moodiness. I was actually on top of the world coming out of it. I felt strong, because I had overcome impossible hurdles, survived, kept up in my Phd program, and found a job less than a week out of the hospital (my ex left me while I was still in the hospital recovering from my third emergency surgery). I felt invincible… in fact, I was manic.
Fast forward a year; I have lost a substantial amount of weight, I’ve (during mania) shoplifted a whole new wardrobe, video game systems, kitchen accessories, gifts for family and friends, enough make up and jewelry to last a lifetime… tens of thousands of dollars worth of stuff! BUT I am starting to feel guilty, worthless and generally heading down the dark pit of depression. One so dark, the life I was so proud to have been strong enough to fight for in the hospital a year earlier, I wanted to end. So, I started cutting and hitting myself (I would hit my legs and bottom with sticks to leave welts and bruises).
I did eventually seek out some help, when cutting wasn’t enough, I tried to OD. I tried to cut deeper, deep enough to slit my wrists, but I couldn’t. I stood at a ledge, literally and figuratively. I wanted to die.
I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1. I don’t believe this diagnosis is correct, however I do believe I have a mood disorder. I took several different mood stabilizers over the course of a two and half to three year period. They all had their own side effects, but I was stable. I put all the weight and more back on, but I wasn’t shoplifting and I didn’t want to hurt or kill myself. Never the less, I decided back in October (5 months ago) that the side effects weren’t worth it, and that my symptoms had been minor before the trauma, so maybe now, after all this time, they could be again… without meds.
So here I am 5 months without ANY medication. No anti-depressants, no mood stabilizers, no atypical antipsychotics, not even any herbs. Just me… and I’ve been pretty much fine, until last week. I started feeling overly sensitive. Crying more easily. Wanting to sleep or at least stay home, when I should be at work or running errands. I started to fall back into the pit. Now all I can think about is hurting myself. I feel guilty for having become lazy. I feel like I am not good enough for, well anything. I feel stupid for going off the meds, but I don’t want to go back to the psychiatrist and hear the “I told you so”. Or explain to my parents why I need to go back on meds. I don’t want to feel that I can no longer consider trying to have a baby or adopt (I won’t qualify if I “need” the meds and they are dangerous to take during pregnancy). Instead I am fighting. Fighting myself to try not to feel this way, to hold back from cutting, from hitting… Fighting my better instinct to go get help NOW.
Thats where things are at… I am just fighting even though I don’t want to fight anymore.
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