DinoRaptor101 said 9 years, 11 months ago:
I hoped, I knew I couldn’t be alone.
Being emasculated was the end of my life, I could never treat girls, I will never feel secure, I always bare the shame… and my only wish is to die every night… nightmares…
perhaps if I die I can hope to be reborn whole.. it doesn’t matter what creature I will be but at least my body will belong to me….
I’ve been hiding in real life forever, at least here I can cry out to someone who understands my pain.. :’(
My mind may not remember, but my broken body does, in all my relationships I avoided getting laid like plague, I get anxiety attacks and panic I have reached a breaking point where I don’t hope to have family anymore, I can’t even have friends for every time someone gets close to me they see it in my eyes. the deep depressing sorrow… my weak smile saying “I’m okay” with a trembling voice of a dying person.
I fear human contact like plague.
I remember who hurt me, I remember the terror flashing before me. I wake up with mini heart attacks from nightmares full of blood and violence… my brain is trying to tell me something I cannot express.
Sometimes I hurt others to feel better, oh what a monster I have become.
There is no fixing this, there is no restoring this.. I am undergoing the cosmetic restoration to save what’s left but at this point…. there isn’t much to save…
40000 neuron receptors, erogenous tissue the size of a postcard.. consisting two thirds of total erogenous tissue of the original organ.
If I were blind life would be easier… If I were a cripple, or a disabled person life would be easier.. I would have known I was born in that way.. the worse of it all… I was botched into what I am today.
And this is the struggle I have to live on day to day… I attempted suicide 3 times. I never had a single surgery in my life besides amputation.
I had several rape attempts by guys in high school as well… I harnessed my will power to accept and rise.
But I can’t do it alone… those girls I befriended I treasure a lot… when I’m with them they make me feel easier… they may not know my secret but their caring makes me feel a little more…. normal.
but only for a while.. chronic depression returns it is absurd to co-exist with me. a manifestation of hatred and agony…
Maybe… Just maybe you’ll understand … understand why I had lived and died baring the shame … to save what little is left of my dignity… for I don’t see myself as a man…
neither male….
I’m a shadow walking among the flames…
I’m nobody…
This is how I feel… this is what humans made out of me, and perhaps a couple million others who walk the same road hiding in plain sight.. preserving what little is left by keeping this inside…
HOW LONG DO I NEED TO SUFFER!!! HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO CRY!!! KILL ME PLEASE!!! GIVE ME PEACE…
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