Enol Flow said 10 years, 5 months ago:

And me? Im just a Man On The Moon

supermassive blackhole said 10 years, 5 months ago:

I’m 18, in my freshman year of college, and actually more confused about where my life is going than I’ve ever been. When I was younger it just seemed like this point in my life was so far off that I really didn’t have to worry about it, but now I’m here at school being told to decide what to do with the rest of my life.
Well what the hell do I know about what I want with the rest of my life? Heck, 90% of the time I struggle trying to decide what type of cereal to have for breakfast. I find it kind of absurd that they force this choice upon kids at an age where we’re only just beginning to figure out how the real world works.
Aside from that whole internal struggle about what to do with my life, things are going well. Life is kind of boring compared to some of my friends, my university is in the same state I’ve lived my entire life, 3 of my 5 closest friends go to school within 30 minutes of me so not much of a change there, and I’m still just being generally lazy and playing video games or guitar in most of my free time.
I wish I had more to tell you guys but I’ve lead a pretty good life so far. I’ll be sure to let all of you know if some life changing event happens sometime soon.

Deleted User said 10 years, 3 months ago:

Well I met my dad when I was 12, at my 13-14 my old friends abonded me and some of them even turned against me, I lost my great love all because I had to move from school somwhere far away from them. It’s complicated, I had problems at school and with my mother. Which all evantually lead me to my depression. I used to be a very good and naïf person. I always blamed myself for the lost.
My depression changed me completly.
I gave up on all of my dreams in it. I used to dream of becomming a Rock star or something one day.
I had no reason to live for. I was close to committing suicide.
But I said to myself. That is the way of the weak.
This coudn’t be the end of the person I used to be.
I said, I belong to the strong. One day I’ll show all of them what they have lost.
I used to live for my friends and Katrien.
I just coudn’t imagine my life without them.
When they were gone, I had no idea what my purpose in life was.
That year I started to ask myself questions. All the time.
It was that year the philosopher in me was born.
I started to have side effects.
I saw and heared things that weren’t there.
I saw people, worlds, music, and talks all going trough me all the time like some adrenaline, just like in less than a second.
I was afraid. I started to have intense flashbacks.
Re-living all the bad times over and over again.
It was the very first time in my life I realized I was really alone.
I didn’t want to know new people. I just wanted to go back to my old life. Because to me, all of it, did mean really something.
It changed my life. Somehow I founded a way out of my depression. When I came out, somehow at that magical moment I saw a mountain, a top, my dream. A new reason to live for.
Because the good, naïf person I used to be died in that dark pit I told myself. A Fighter was reborn.
I would avenge him and fight and climb for my pursuit of happiness.
My second chance in life. It was the only reason I still wanted to live.
I was undescrible lost and sad. In some way I wanted revenge. But not by doing that what they probably would’ve have done or by forgetting them like they never existed like they did to me. No, I wanted to proof that I wasn’t like them. That I was diffrent, that to me it did all mean something… Something “REAL”. So I promised myself to never forget them. Because my words weren’t empty. So I carry everyone who I ever let down or wasn’t good enough for with me on my shoulder. All of it, I carry to that top. To become the brightest light this dark world has ever seen. I create my own light. When the light has drop on me. One day I’ll make it up to those who were good to me.
Ever since I created my own code, I dedicated myself to my dream and tried everyday to improve myself to become the person I have to become to get there. To be me again, but on my terms. And I would do whatever it takes. One day will be my day.
However sadly that didn’t mean I suddenly became godlike or something.
When I was 15 my dad left the country and hided a sister for me which I all had to discover trough te newspaper.
When I was 16 despite my effort. I failed for school.
This was the point my dad and his entire side of the family decided to abonding me in excile untill the day I would proof I was one of them. I always blamed myself for not being good enough.
Tough, I could take it. I just knew I would survive. Because it still wasn’t that bad as my depression. So I knew I was going to make it.
I started to pray to my own God to kill me if God, karma, the world, life whatever you call it. Was convinced there was zero chance I could make it and so completly impossible that I could have my dream. I prayed every day to him to kill me if I couldn’t make it.
So, everyday when I wake up at 4 in the morning to work on my dream. I look up, smiling and I say to myself: “God, you still think that I can do it. You still believe it is possible. I can do it.” So when I’m there in the morning working on my dream. Just before dawn it is really dark. Knowing that the entire world is probably still sleeping. However I’m there working, climing, fighting for my dream. Than I just believe when the sun comes up. That it comes up especially for me. That this day, is my day.
When I was 17 that summer. That year I succeeded incredibly great. I gave it my all and reached that top for the others. I felt a light breeze of satisfaction. But soon it did past. Because I hadn’t reach my top yet. However that person I was gave it his all. So to go further to my top. To do the things this person coudn’t I sacrificed myself again but this time voluntary and not by force like in my depression. To be able to jump to that mental level. I tried to indoctrinate myself. And dedicated myself much harder.
Now I’m an teenage actor, I write: philosophy, short-, longstories, some books I’m working on, speeches, scripts, motivation, I practise Tae Kwon twice a week and work out 4 times a week. In my free time I try to work on my skills as drawer, singer/songwriter, rapper, guitare and piano. I study economic and I really try to work my asss off… I try to wake up every day at 4,5 and 6 O’clock if I’m lucky. I’l be directing my very first movie in Februari and I make a shot as voice actor in April.
I work for several movie/serie/youtube projects.
I try to read as many books as I can to develop.
Try to learn as much as I can and to be open for all help for everything that could bring me closer to my dream.
I live several lives. But for the moment that is what I have to do to get closer. I will create my own luck and one day will be my day.
What most people don’t understand is that my dream.
Is my life. It is all I have left to be willing to live for.
This is what I want and I’m willing to die for it.

CJ-Chan

Brown said 9 years, 11 months ago:

Well. I’m 18 and oddly satisfied with my life, even though virtually nothing functions as it should…

I’m a weird fellow and I and most others can’t describe exactly the “problem”. A good guess is introverted ADD, which, if it is the case, would not try therapy, as having this weird brain structure is kinda awesome.
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Of heritage I’m pretty average: I grew up in a middle class family and went at a little private village school. Even at that time I was pretty flamboyant and audacious; always trying to wrestle myself out of conformity: once I wore a pink snowsuit to school just to rebel.

Off course, as you stick out, you are an easy victim to bullying: Even the teachers had an idea that I was “special”, trying to pin me up on an asperger’s diagnosis, which was quickly pulled down, as I got to talk with some psychologists; I even had a brain scan, ruling that I was 100% functional in the upstairs area.

Something had to be wrong, though, if you asked my head teacher; even when I started to conform a little more to normality as I matured, and as I slowly became more and more silent, unless there was a discussion or debate in class… I became too school for cool, which was okay in my group of friends. But the head teacher was still not convinced of my normality, as I still stuttered with an extreme haste. She took a short psychology course and used me as her private guinea pig: She would pull me aside and have long “conversations” with me in which she would mention every problem I’d have to work on, every failure she could come up with and trying to pressure me and stress me as much as possible until I broke down crying; this lead to me becoming continuously greater at acting to shorten the process.

Throughout 7th grade, I became more rebellious again as I and had conflicts with multiple teachers and students – a mixture of me being a pain in the ass and the teachers being too strict against a me, of whom they asked for honesty and got it.
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I switched schools for 8th grade, a boarding school, which I lured my grandma into paying, and I got a culture shock as it was a lot bigger than where I came from. During this, I became isolated and had huge problems with socializing. This lead to an increasing depression for me. I felt lonely and frustrated. I had a kind of anger I couldn’t get out in anything but music. This lead to me learning a shitload of instruments: Most brass instruments (only limited by the size of the mouthpiece and the time I have to get used to it), piano, guitar, flute, and drums. I’ve always been good as an autodidact.

Note that this year was pretty good for me: I learned to think of the image of myself; I learned to shut up, as prior to that, I was pretty bad at speaking at the right time; I fell in love, and I lost, I wouldn’t have gone without it.
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I went to a public school for 9th grade. The most boring year of my life in many ways, but at the same time the most eventful in other aspects:

Per coincidence, I ended up beside a guy, who ended up becoming my best friend. He wasn’t exactly smart, but he was nice and protecting in relation to the predators in the class (not much of it, really. Just some other freaks thinking they can get up in hierarchy by having the new guy below them in rank, ironically we ended up being pretty good friends after the events mentioned below).

He told me how he was mistreated at home. I won’t go in to detail in respect for his privacy. And through most of the first half of the year, I tried to convince him to get help. Just before Christmas, we finally found something out with a counselor. As to not get a mistrial, much of the story couldn’t get told on, and as the story went out that my friend had been picked up in a police car, I suddenly became the most sought after guy on the school, everyone tried to get the story out of me. Kind of ambivalent, really.

But apart from that, school was pretty boring. I got great grades and got on with school, and kept contact with my friend. The rest of story is depressing and requires a post of its own.
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Now I’m in a tech and innovation High School. I’m not doing good, not doing bad. Getting more friends.

I’m making more and more money playing music for wedding anniversaries, festivals and such.

I’m in love and I’m struggling to handle it, but I’m actually happy. More happy than I’ve been in a long time, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Ambivalence about happiness should be a paradox, but somehow I’ve achieved it. I’ve suddenly gotten so god damned worry free.

That’s also why, when I heard of this site I joined as a listener. Maybe I could help someone. And I’ve managed to get good responses from 3/3 so far. Another part is probably the guilt that I can’t do anymore for my friend (fucked up story ending with him getting sent out of the country, getting back to a warridden Arabian country in which he hasn’t been living since he was 7, and it’s entirely out of my hands. I’m getting angry and frustrated, scared for his life and all that, just writing this), but anyways here I am.
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TL?;DR?: I understand you: It got rather long. If you got the time, though, I would be very happy if you would read it through. I don’t know the exact reason, maybe it’s just satisfying knowing one’s work is appreciated.

But here’s the real TL;DR for you, if you really don’t have the time: I’m here and I’m illogically happy. I’m amazed as I somehow with mostly lemons and very limited sugar made lemonade from my life so far – artificial sweetener?