Iodine said 10 years, 5 months ago:

I hope no one minds if I just selfishly talk about myself and vomit some words and feelings in a topic. I’ve been back in my home from a year on the other side of the world, a journey of exploration and personal growth. The trip was also so that I would have another trophy of achievement to use against my battle with depression. I have changed from my trip, but so has my depression. It hasn’t lifted unfortunately, it feels almost more urgent. What it was before was a feeling of limbo, I wasn’t happy, and I wasn’t moving forward or backward.
Now I’m feel almost bipolar, Highs and lows that have been going on for months since being back. I don’t understand why.

I have been battling depression almost a decade of my life. I’m buried under feeling like a failure, disappointment, judging myself, anxiety, skepticism. I’m not writing this thinking my predicament is unique. I appreciate I am not alone feeling depressed, Every member on this website, you reading this, your best friends, family, even your pet could be in the same place as me.

I’M SICK OF IT, I just want to feel okay. At least the the feeling of Limbo before was consistent. As disgusting as it sounds, before my friends and family could predict some degree of disappointment, and choose how to work with it, or leave. But with Feeling really good a few days and then feeling really horrid is getting everyone (including my own) hopes up, and it feels more destructive.

The basics aside (counseling,eating right, sleeping,) I feel I’ve tried many different methods of fighting my depression without having to resort to medication. I don’t want medication because I might use it to feel good and NOT change my situation (What my brother does.) I hold some belief that if you run away to the easiest relief to pain, your brain doesn’t learn how to overcome it.
I have worked and saved up money and sent myself to 1 month outdoor wilderness therapy program, then saved up to go overseas for a year. Is coming back after a year naturally create so much stress? (Even 3 months after?) Should I just surrender to medication?

I guess I should mention, I am a 23 year old high school dropout, living with my folks. Currently unemployed since coming back from my trip (to be fair, I got a job and was paying rent the moment I dropped out of high school. Now I do a good level of housework to equal out the cost of rent.)
I have goals, but 9 years celebrating self pity in the way.

janet said 10 years, 5 months ago:

I know exactly what you are talking about, iodine. I recently got sick of the whole numb ridiculous half-life i was living and being older than you i could see where it was leading. everytime i saw an old person sitting vaguely on a bench or looking out a wretched apartment window i could see my dim future.

i quit my job teaching art – about 5 years before retirement – took out my retirement money and ran to arizona where i spent it all. tried to substitute teach with other weird odd jobs: driving a cab, doing surveys, etc. i was homeless for a week, lived in the park with my dogs suicidal the whole time. tried to kill myself twice, somehow it didn’t work either time (and it should have according to doctors) actually got arrested and spent 4 days in jail for a speeding ticket that i couldn’t afford to pay nor to pay the bail.

now i’m back in cincinnati living with my daughter who hates me -guess you can add mothering to my list of skrew ups even though i thought i was a good one. trying to get a job subbing and teaching art after school, but now i have no liscense or car – they impounded and kept my jeep in arizona too because i couldn’t pay the impoundment fee. all my possessions are in a ‘pod’ in arizona which you guesssed it i can’t pay for – they’ll be auctioned soon. and my dog is still in arizona with a group who helps people who’ve lost they’re home – im hoping to fly him here in a month.

so now, yeah, i’m with you in wistfully remembering my ridiculous, numb life before. at least it was a life. this is some kind of joke-afterlife. i should have died in november of 2011 with the first suicide attempt.

now what, cat, now what?