insertNameandNumberhere said 9 years, 2 months ago:

This is a different style from how I usually write, so feedback is most definitely welcome:

“Damn it,” she groaned, the fluorescent lights piercing her eyes as she opened the door.
“Hello Beautiful,” he called from the kitchen.
“Hey.”
“What’s wrong?
“Work.”
“What happened?”
“Fired.”
“Again?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” A slight pause, “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why were you fired?”
“Does it matter?”
“Please.”
A sigh. “Fine” She sagged into the nearby armchair. “Sit.”
He did. “What happened?”
“I really did try this time.”
“What happened.”
“I don’t know. Everything just sort of, stopped, I guess.”
“You said you were going to try for over two months.”
“I told you I tried!”
“I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”
“God, can’t you just let it go?”
“I’m trying to help here.”
“Maybe I don”t need you anymore.”
“What if I need this?”
Silence.
“Okay.” He stood. “I’m going for a walk.”
“Wait.”
“I’l be back in an hour or so.”
“Please.”
“Can you finish the pasta?”
“I love you.”
The door.
“Damn it,” she groaned.

So, does it work as a story?