simon said 5 years, 3 months ago:

I honestly feel sicken with myself and i dont know what to do. I meet someone working on my previous job, our relationship starting was as friends later, when we began getting closer and she told me more of her past and current situation (e.g she was molested by her currently to be ex-husband) we later became at that point, sense she was still married i guess lovers. Although because of her history, she was terrified with anything that has to do with intimacy. As time passed and so did my feelings for her, she was finally able to be intimate. That in return, made me fall for her more, not because she finally gave in (i could care less about it) but rather because she was able to express herself to me in a way that she was never able to. To me, that made me feel amazing. I was able to change someone (or try) for the better. During Christmas, is when everything changed, or 3 days after. That day her and i were watching a movie at her house with her younger brother. When the movie was over and her brother went to his room to sleep, she and i stayed in the living room which at this point, she was already sleeping. While she was sleeping and i was laying next to her i had this sexual urge and thus began to lightly finger her, it was nothing new that I haven’t done before with her but she was conscious those other times. She woke up terrified and walked to her room to sleep. I stayed there feeling disgusted with myself for the rest of the night felling terrible and awful. We avoided direct contact for the next 3 days until i finally confronted her. we sat down and talk it over. She told me i lost her trust and we were just going to be friends which i was happy with. During that time we were hanging out and acting normal again. I made a couple mistakes with her during those times but they were miniscule in comparison nothing as dramatic. Her birthday came and I personally wanted to make sure it went amazing for her (her life thus far has been terrible and sense I met her been trying to make it better regardless of my mistakes) I think ive been doing a good job too. However, I did it again. She brushed it aside as if nothing happened and made it seem like she had a wet dream but I know what I did was terrible today, after 2 months we finally talked about it. At this point, shes better off without me I don’t deserve anything from her and she deserves better and even though im terrified of losing her I know its for the best and regardless of what ive done I believe that I do love her I just don’t know why I did those stupid mistakes that ruined everything. We ended everything today and she said that even though I messed up and lost any trust that she gave me, Im still a great guy which makes me feel guilty as hell because of what I did. I don’t know what to do? Maybe that was the best thing to do and I just needed to vent this out I don’t know but this thing is killing me. Im happy seeing her live her life for the better and to be happy so if that’s how it has to be in order for her to achieve that im wiling to do it its just so damn hard! Anyway im hoping that in posting this itll be a bit easier im getting passed with this and maybe realize why I did what I did.

rinseandrep said 5 years, 3 months ago:

It’s good you are able to see your mistakes, and that right now you and her aren’t a good match. I suggest researching and reading about consent so you can strengthen your boundaries with other people’s bodies, it can come useful in your future relationships, and it can help you feel better about yourself.

simon said 5 years, 3 months ago:

First of all id like to thank you for your honest and non judgmental advise i know this will be a learning experience that ill be forced to deal with. At this point i like to say that im aware what my boundaries are i believe a always knew. All i can do for now is step back and look, try and better myself. Deal with my insecurities and become a better person. she has changed me for the better and in the future id like to show her that if possible.