Why is my son like this?

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My son who is 15, his name is Elan, has been acting up and saying harsh things to me and his father. He thinks that me and Eric, my husband, being together is a disgrace and that we should not be together and I think he is being bullied at school because me and hiss dad is gay together and I think he blames us for it, I do not know what to do about this, he acts so weird around us too, he used to not be like this… Why is my son like this?
He has also been writing poems such like this

They look not upon the empty space that I take
They see not the smile I fake
Yet the judge me for no reason
They sentence me like a solder with treason
They laugh when I cry
I can see the hatred of me in there eye
They condemn me for pain
Instead of help they add suffering
They mock and make me cry
But soon they suffer…soon they die
To hell they go
I stand and watch, laugh as they fall below
They beg for mercy
But they are unworthy
My sole to pure with black
Their words to harsh to be took back
They burn I sing
Now they know what I mean…

and this also scares the hell out of me, I think he might be hurting himself, but I don’t know because I’ve seen his wrists and saw nothing, but he acts depressed for his age, I don’t know what to do, please help.

Category: Tags: asked April 15, 2014

5 Answers

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accepted
As I'm sure you remember, being a teenager is nothing short of complicated, fueled with crazy emotions and a strong need to be independent of your family, and subconsciously hating that you are dependent on them. It's a crazy and complicated time, and parents often get the short end of the stick.
Teenagers are a rage of hormones and are often unequipped to deal with them. It's a completely natural process. A little rebellion is healthy. Even though it feels like he hates you, I can assure you he doesn't. While he may have some pent-up anger towards dealing with his father's sexuality that may make it a little more-so than the average teenager, the sass and attitude is completely natural. Also, a lot of teens express themselves through writing. Believe me, depressing poetry is a much healthier alternative than some teenagers take, such as self-harm.
As I mentioned, your son is both thirsting for independence, and angry because he doesn't have that independence yet and also craves your love, all at the same time. This is a delicate process to handle. Nobdy said being a parent was easy, and this applies to matter what age your child is. There is no right answer, no handbook. Although a good rule of thumb is to be there for your son when he reaches out to you or needs to be disciplined or praised, appropriately, but also give him enough space and independence to feel that he has freedom enough to make his own choices (within reason) and even let him make some mistakes to learn from for himself, which he will have to do eventually no matter how much you want to protect him. IN summary, be there for him, but do not smother him.
All of this being said, there are some times that "just being a teenager" doesn't take the cake. Your son could be depressed. Here is a link to an article about teenage depression and the warning sides. Unfortunately, some teenagers turn to drug abuse to deal with the hormones and feelings they are experiencing. Paired with drug availability and peer pressure, ANYBODY is susceptible to drug addiction, even after one "try". Be sure to lock all prescription medication somewhere where he does not have access to it, such as a safe. This is a commonly abused drug among teenagers. Here is a link to warning signs for drug abuse in teens.
I can assure you, your son will not have this attitude forever. Once he moves out (yes, it will take forever to get the sweet son you miss back) and has the space he craves, your relationship will improve and probably be better than it has ever been. In the mean time, hold tight, and know it is a completely natural process, no matter how much it sucks. Also read the articles I attached in case your son falls under the category of a depressed or drug abusing teen. If you suspect he may be depressed or abusing drugs, seek professional help immediately.
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I'm 15, so you might not want to take advice from me but it's worth a shot. I know when I'm upset I write. I was always a sweet little girl growing up. Nice to my parents, but once things started getting ruff at school I changed. He's obviously having troubles with his friends. Even if he's being sour towards you, you have to make him feel loved and like it's worth it. He could easily be depressed even if he doesn't hurt himself. The hurt from others is so much worse than hurting yourself, trust me. You have to act fast before anything happens but you can't just go up to him and be blunt about it. Just tell him you're there for him and you want to help him. If he knows you're there willing to help him he won't feel so alone. Being alone is a horrible feeling, especially at this age. I know that when my friends all turned against me all I wanted was my own safe haven but even at home I never had that. As a parent, you should be understanding and not get mad if he is depressed or hurting himself. Bullying hurts more than any type of hurt because it gets to you. If you're there for him it might help. Try getting close with him. Things seem have to been going on for awhile with him. "My soul to pure with black" I think that means bitterness has taken him over from them constantly targeting him and he just has turned bitter about it, making himself seem stronger by treating they people poorly. I read this book and in it, it said pain demands to be felt. If this pain has been there for a long time it will slowly consume you because it demands to be felt. It will take you over and change you. You need to let him know you're there for him. Love him. Love is important and love is the only thing that will fade away bitterness.
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Based on the context of the poem, your son feels like you do not understand him, he appears to be very angry towards you and appears to be judging you for being gay. It is possible he is rebelling because he disagrees with your homosexuality.

If you have a mutual heterosexual friend between yourselves and your son, have that person have a heart-to-heart with him to see if he will open up about how he feels. If family and peer connection doesn't work, it may be time to take the route of professional family counseling.

Don't give up and don't be disheartened. Take all of the advice offered and take any necessary steps to make your home safe from substance and emotional abuse. Give him his space to vent so he doesn't feel smothered, but at the same time, if you give ground and he gets aggressive, do not be afraid to assert yourself.
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I felt a lot of rejection towards my brother when I found out he was gay, this is quite normal as it may be unexpected or unnatural in ones behaviour. He is a teenager and I know that we don't like to blame things on this but there are a lot of hormones racing around his veins and these moods will often occur. This also happens when trust issues occur and he may feel very distant from you so making it clear that he is loved and cared for is a big yes. When I went through depression I was told that I had it in the mind so maybe looking at this link : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia may help as this outlines the symptoms and signs. This will pass with age as mine did so hold on and love him unconditionally.
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It seems like he is going through a rebellious, dark teenage phase. I wouldn't worry too much about it; most kids go through it. Because he may not be entirely comfortable with you and your husband at the moment (kids are cruel), it would be worth it to take the time to sit down one on one and talk things out with him. Try to see where he is coming from and make sure you tell him how you see things. Stick to "I" statements, such as "I feel as though you..." and do your best to hear and understand his side of things.