I’m 15 years old, female. I have straight A’s, a relatively good homelife, lots of friends, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me a lot and cares about me, yet some days I feel as if the world is ending and like the worst thing that could happen to me isn’t death…I cut myself, etc…….. I don’t think I would be able to actually kill myself…. I don’t THINK…. but if I knew I was going to die and I could change it so I wouldn’t, I would probably still choose death……….. Why? I don’t GET it………. :’c I just want to feel normal. Like all my friends. When they smile it’s…. EFFORTLESS. I want that….
I remember reading somewhere that people who have depression tend to make it worse by assuming that they're missing out on some great feeling that happy, "normal" people get to feel all the time. Normal is an artificial construct, it doesn't exist.
I know it sounds conterintuitive, but I felt a lot better (or at least a lot less anxious) when I learned to stop thinking that I NEED to be happy, that I was somehow failing because I wasn't happy like I assumed everyone else was. Just allowing yourself to have your feelings, even if they're bad ones, and not beating yourself up about them can do wonders to ease your psychological burden.
Why should you feel bad for feeling bad?
Who are you hurting?
You don't owe being happy to anyone and anyone who would want you to fake being happy for their benefit does not really care about you.I'm not going to say that it isn't a problem that you cut yourself, but there are varying degrees of severity for everything. I've been cutting on and off since I started college but the cuts are usually so shallow that they don't even leave scars and they're not anywhere near arteries, so I don't think it's necessary to tell anyone about it. Having to deal with my families reactions would be a lot more stressful then having a few scraped on my skin.
If you're not regularly running the risk of bleeding out and you don't know anyone you could talk to about it that wouldn't just react badly and add more stress to your life, then you don't necessarily need to talk to anyone.
I know that sounds bad, but it seems like a lot of people who are responding are giving you the company line, they're saying the things that you're "supposed" to say to someone who admits to having suicidal thoughts, and I don't want to do that to you because I absolutely HATE when people do it to me. I'm just trying to be honest and speak from experience.
"Death is a release from the impressions of the senses, and from desires that make us their puppets, and from the vagaries of the mind, and from the hard service of the flesh."
- Marcus Aurelius
I don't think you want to die... you wish only for release from the overwhelming emotions you have to endure. These feelings have nothing to do with the good life you have on the surface, and everything to do with the depth of emotions that everyone has to face at some point.
Perhaps this comes from a lack of meaning or purpose, or a longing for connection with others, or whatever. All of these things can be overcome though, with the right help, and the right mindset. Please consider the possibility that your life can and will improve, without having to give into such a permanent resolution as death.
Have you gone to see a psychologist? I mean, I'm not an expert or anything, but if you feel that way when you have an otherwise good life, it sounds like there may be some deeper issues. You might have clinical depression, or something else that you're unaware of that could be triggering these feelings. If you're cutting, and ESPECIALLY if you have suicidal thoughts or thoughts about your death, I would definitely urge you to go speak to a medical professional.
I can't tell a parent. It's just my mom and she found out about my cutting twice already and reacted HORRIBLY each time. She wasn't helpful and just made me feel like a freak.... I don't think it was intentional or anything she just didn't know HOW to react....
Since I'm under 18 I can't see a professional without notifying a parent or guardian and since I can't do that, that option is out :( Thanks for trying guys...
As rough as that was though, that may be the best way to get you some help, even if it involves telling her again. If you've tried stopping on your own and that hasn't worked, then your best option is to try and involve adults, even if it's hard. Have you tried talking to your mom about her reaction, to try and explain how it made you feel? I don't know anything about your mother, so sorry if I make any assumptions that are incorrect.. but if she loves you she'll help you get help, even if she doesn't understand. Maybe she just needs time to understand. I can only imagine how I'd react if I had a kid and I found out they were self-harming. I'm sure it's very difficult for you to deal with, but it's probably pretty hard for her too. I mean, human beings are pretty fragile things sometimes. Maybe she felt guilty (like it was her fault), or angry because you were hurting yourself, or any number of emotions, but she still probably cares about you a lot and would want to help you. Again, sorry if none of this is helping. Just trying to advise in the dark here. =)