I feel like everything is my fault. At work, if someone messes up I think, “what could I have done to help them do better?”. If I’m at home and my husband is in a bad mood I think, “What did I do to make him angry? He must hate me! I need to do something!” I constantly rework conversations and situations in my head. Some as far back as when I was to 6-7 years old (I’m over 40 now) and remember, “God that was a stupid thing to do! I wish I didn’t say that.” I feel like I’ve always felt this way, but lately I’ve lost my Mojo. I don’t have any confidence at all. What is going on?? I’m becoming weak and pathetic!
There's a saying in recovery that goes "you can't cure your sick thinking with your sick thinking." Meaning, if I am a worrier, the solution to getting out of the pattern of worry is not to worry more. I relate to your post very much because I have had similar experiences of over-thinking, especially when it comes to others' unhappiness. I would often feel others' unhappiness is connected to me, even though there was no evidence to support this. This type of worry doesn't necessarily go away on its own without some type of action on my part. And I don't mean action to correct whatever mistake I don't know I've made, but action as in doing an activity that occupies my mind, instead of letting my mind be occupied with worry.
So think of some kind of activity that you really enjoy doing. The goal is to find an "end in and of itself"--an activity that in each moment is enjoyable yet requires concentration. One example of this kind of activity would be service. You could volunteer somewhere for a cause you feel passionate about--like volunteering at a homeless shelter, the local pound, or even a community youth center.
While it seems at first that this kind of worry is about focusing on others' problems, in reality, worry of this sort is actually the result self-centered thinking. It is not a nice idea, but it makes sense when you break it down. Why would the bad mood of another be in any way connected to you, unless the other person said so to you? Thinking that others' problems are connected to you is the kind of self-centeredness I am speaking of. Other people, even your husband, have individual concerns and problem all their own that may not have anything to do with you and are therefore not your responsibility to burden yourself with.
Ironically the cure to self-centered thinking is to be selfish. I don't mean selfish in a negative way, but in a way that displays love for yourself. Try and do activities that you derive pleasure from. The richness of these experiences will make you a stronger supportive figure to those around you when they are in times of distress.
Focus on self love through activities rather than self-centered thoughts and the rest will fall into place. Do activities that you enjoy that can displace worrying thoughts in your mind. Consider doing service so that you can change self-centered thinking to something bigger than you. Or simply do activities that you enjoy for the sheer pleasure of it. This is practicing self care and will make you better at caring for others when the time comes.
