Why do I contine living?

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I’m a white 45 year old male, I live in New York, USA, I have lived with the same woman for the last 27 years, we have two grown sons together ages 23 and 21, our oldest lives with a girl we do NOT approve of in another state, she has no education, no future, no looks, social skills, talent, brains, class or dignity, she really is NOT good enough for our son, her family are all welfare bums, she IS the epitome of trailer trash! My son knows how we feel and doesn’t seem to care in the least about anything other than playing house with this big fat ugly obese turd and getting laid! And WHY he would even want a fat whale is beyond me! I gave up a long singing career and my band that was about to be signed by a major record label that wanted to send us to Japan to record a 5 song demo album and do a short supporting tour to promote the band and our demo back in 1989, when my girl got pregnant with our first child I gave it all up so that I could be home to raise him, OK, I had some regret there, especially since I had always told her from the day we started dating that I really disliked children and never wanted ANY, than she got pregnant with our second child anyway, she wasn’t so great at being a mom or housewife, she would constantly call me at work bitching and complaining how hard it was to sit on her lazy ass and get really fat and gross all day and do nothing, really, I would come home from working TWO full time jobs, one was construction by day and the other was unloading trucks at a warehouse that I eventually quit than I was driving a tow truck overnights, when I would get in I would find a really messy house, and my girl KNEW from day one that I was always a very neat person, hey, everything has a place where it SHOULD be put and the middle of the floor ain’t it!, no dinner cooked, no laundry done, so I would never have clean clothes to get into, and she’d be all hanging out with her stupid, useless, bummy, never had any money grubby loser friends watching MY TV and eating MY food and drink all day long, so I finally put my foot down and told her “Hey, if YOU cant hack what tens of millions of normal women do each and every day than I will stay home and raise the kids and teach them what you apparently are not and you can go work and pay the bills like I do every day!” So she did, and I did, I stayed home and raised my kids to the best of my abilities, which weren’t very much, growing up I had a VERY neglecting mother who would dump me off on her friends, some were OK, one was like a grandma to me till she suddenly developed cancer and died, most others were very abusive both verbally, physically and mentally, or with relatives, some very scummy, or ship me off to my real fathers home in Florida for the summers, where my fat useless greedy gold digger step mother lived, she was always very mean and strict with me but her kids could never do any wrong, oh no!, even though one was a little lying trouble making sissy bastard and the other was, well, just a flat out asshat, I had a verbally and physically abusive step father back at my moms home till he left Mom with his BFF’s fat ugly wife when I was 15, I had 4 much older siblings who never cared about me and only cared about their own shallow selves, they would constantly ridicule my lifestyle and choices and friends cause I wasn’t oh so perfect as they all thought they were, and I had to watch my real father suffer and die from lung cancer between the ages of 6 and 11 every summer, my moms mom who I was very close with died from a massive heart attack when I was only 8, moms dad died in front of me when I was just about 10, my fathers parents were both long gone before I was even born, so, needless to say, that type of upbringing didn’t really give ME the tools nor guidance to ever be a great parent, but somehow both my boys graduated with honors from a very good technical training high school, so I figured they were set for life, my oldest son got a really great job with the cities subway system only 3 weeks after graduating, he blew it cause he liked to take way too many days off to go play at a former girlfriends house, another royal loser we did not approve of, he’s now working for low pay as a night watchman, that worries me to no end, and it’s also like his 5th or 6th dead end job since losing the good city job, my youngest son works a dead end low pay job in a video game shop, my girl is ALWAYS sick with something, she always seems to get colds and the flu a LOT, with BOTH her pregnancies she was very sick with constant throwing up that made her dehydrated to the point where it was dangerously life threatening so she had to be hospitalized her entire pregnancy, both times, with the second one I had to stay home from work to watch our first son while she was hospitalized or else my entire paycheck would just go to sitters whom I would never trust to raise my kid anyway, it would be hard to find work after each extended stay at home break, money would be very tight, we have NOT gone any type of vacation or getaway, even for lousy weekend since 1988, a few years ago she had a cyst develop, unknowingly, on a fallopian tube and her tube burst, she almost died from internal bleeding, when I noticed her abdomen was swollen beyond belief, even for HER, I rushed her to an E.R., the MD there said “Thank God you got her here as fast as you did, another 10-20 minutes and she would have died from it!”, and she wanted to go to work that morning!, So she had emergency surgery and was out of work and home for about 9 miserable pain filled months, the next year she had some other problem with her female plumbing, and can no longer have children, I’m glad, she isn’t as she always wanted a girl so THAT has made her really unbearable to deal with, the next year she threw her back out, had to have that fixed and was laid up for 6 months, this year she has been in hospital over the last two or three months due to severe colitis, she is going for surgery this Wednesday and that has me VERY worried, Thursday is our youngest sons B/Day, money is tight so I don’t know what the hell to get him or HOW I even could at this time, food is scarce, we have a few cats that I cant find anyone to take them nor do I have anyway to get rid them, especially since one I’ve had for 12 years and I am very attached to him, but I just cant afford to feed them all any longer, I have my own health issues that I try to deal with, I was involved in a violent mugging a few years ago, I was clinically dead and brought back, first by the paramedics, than by the E.R. docs, I have physical damage and brain damage, I cant see or hear so good anymore, short term memory is shot to shit, I suffer from constant headaches, dizziness and fatigue, I can no longer sing or play the guitar or even work full time, I can’t stand for very long, I can no longer drive a vehicle or do many of the things that I would do every day of my life, ALL of my “friends” deserted me back when I became a father because I just didn’t have the time to go hang out anymore, so I have no one for support, and I have been trying to carry the load of it all for years while always feeling alone, and I just can NOT take it anymore, and NO, we are NOT on ANY type of public assistance nor do we get any financial help from anyone or anywhere, bills have really started to pile up, now I no longer have medical coverage and damn it I have always tried my damnedest to stay alive and positive but I really AM at wits end and no longer know what to do, and to tell you the truth I no longer even want to do anything but lay down and sleep, for good, but I’m too wound up and stressed to ever sleep! I am lucky if I can get 3 or 4 straight hous of sleep at night. I have seriously been thinking about sticking my head in the over, blowing the pilot out and sucking in some gas fumes. Someone PLEASE tell me why the fuck I shouldn’t? I would go talk to a shrink, but they DON’T take smiles or farts as payment last I checked!

Category: Tags: asked April 16, 2013

3 Answers

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You shouldn't because 10 years from now you'll look back and realize everything you wished you were and wished you had, you now are and have. You shouldn't because it's never to late to change your life completely. You shouldn't because chances are you haven't completed everything you've always dreamed of doing. You shouldn't because as long as there is hope, anything is possible. (and hope never dies) You shouldn't because people care about you. You shouldn't because going through all that makes you an incredibly strong person and I know you can get through this too.
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Wow, Ok So I actually read all of that.Its NEVER too late to change your life.

You've probably heard it all before, but despite what you've been through, and are currently going through, why in the world don't you deserve to have peace and happiness in your life? And who says you can't reach out and grab it at 45? I think your entire life you've always been a very selfless human being, and to be honest, I feel like now is the time for you to be a little selfish.

You stuck it out through some of the TOUGHEST times that most people would have quit on, and boy does that make you more amazing than a good percent of the people out there that would have divorced, left their kids, left their pregnant girlfriend to pursue their dreams, and just thought all about them.

I mean it when I say you shouldn't quit on life because what kind of shit deal is that where most of your life was full of pain and taking care of someone else? 45 is still young in my opinion, start getting your life back and start telling some of these people in your life to shape up or fuck off. Sorry for the language, but I mean it. Start finding new joys in life and doing things that YOU want to do without having to think about having to take care of someone else for a change. You've endured too much hardship and pain for it to all have gone in vain. To be honest, it sounds like you're the perfect candidate to be the author of a best-selling book. Use all of your life experiences, tests, trials, pains, hurts, and let that be a testimony to others out there that despite the struggles, you still didn't pull that trigger. Though you probably have thought about it times before this one, you're still here, and reaching out because you WANT a reason to live.

Well I'm giving you a reason, and that's because you've been through way too much for your life to end without peace. Your lifes purpose has not yet been realized you've only been setting the foundation through your trials. Use your experience and enhance your life.

I seriously think you should consider writing a book. Even if its just to get your frustrations out. I read your entire post genuinely because it was amazing, every line. Not that I found joy in reading what you had gone through, but how you wrote it and the experiences you were able to overcome was inspiring to me.

You sound like an amazing person despite the frustrations you have in your life, and I really feel like you need to share that more often.
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