I am 20 years old and I can’t remember a time where I haven’t been described as the ‘quiet’ or ‘shy’ one. It seems like I am losing more confidence as I am getting older which is a big problem – I’m finding it hard to be independent and I’m missing out on great opportunities. It’s really easy for people to tell you to ‘grow up’, or to ‘get a grip’ which makes it even easier for me to realise they do not understand AT ALL. I wish I could get a grip and do a lot of things – But I cant
Even family members, friends, my boyfriend – describe me as strange or weird at times which doesn’t help the situation at all. I am sick of being introduced to people as ”This is ***, she doesn’t talk much” which instantly puts me into a place of thinking I now HAVE to be quiet because I can’t be anything else. I am always being belittled, and I don’t think people realise the impact certain words have on someone with 0 confidence in themselves.
I have looked into various websites, with some of the symptoms and problems I have, and I THINK i have a social or anxiety disorder – if not both, and I don’t expect anyone on here to be able to tell me I do, as I know it’s the doctors job but I can’t even pluck up the courage to speak to a doctor about this. I just feel stupid and hopeless. I need someone to be supportive for once and say, ‘This isn’t right you need help’ in a nice way…
Here are a few things to help you understand…
- When I know a social event is coming up I worry about it until the very day it comes. On the day i’ll feel sick, try and get out of it, i’ll sweat, shake and will feel on edge until it’s over.
- When I’m asked to go out for a dinner the first thought that comes into my head is the shape of the table! If its a circular table, I do not want to go! People will be looking at me from all angles and I will be forced to face someone for the whole of the sitting. Weird I know.
- I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and today we argued because he told me to walk into his house (not answer the door) – and I knew there were people in there I’d never met. I told him to answer the door or I wasn’t coming in. He didn’t answer the door so I went home. I know it seems dramatic but the fact he belittled me made it even worse.
- Public speaking is a NO. I have managed to go through my whole school life by not reading out loud in class, doing a presentation etc. If I knew we were doing presentations for example, I would stay off school to avoid it.
- I can’t speak to people or make conversation unless they speak to me first, even then I will only reply with an answer and probably not ask a question back.
- When someone is speaking to me I can’t even give them eye contact because I’m worried someone else is looking, watching, listening in… noticing that I can’t hold a conversation properly.
- I care SO much about what others think about me and I am so paranoid. At parties if a group of people are talking amongst themselves my brain instantly says it’s about me.
- I currently do not have a job but I have been invited to group interviews which are a definite no no. There is no way I would stand up and introduce myself to a group of people!
I think you get the gist… These are just a few of the things I am weird about! But I need to know if I actually have a problem or I am just being as dramatic as people tell me. I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life.