When will it end?

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Ever since 12th grade, I have been struggling with depression. I would have panic attacks every night because I would have images of me killing myself, flashing in my mind. I would cry for no reason and my parents noted that. Fast forward to freshman year of college and I was crying every night to my now ex boyfriend about the silliest things and yet..they still made me so very depressed and upset. My parents told me to not hurt myself every night. I told them I won’t. Fast forward to present day. I am falling classes, my father is over seas once again (he is military and has been going over seas since I was born), my mother went to the ER for a blood sucking tumor, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, a best friend from high school died during surgery and another best friend just stopped talking to me and won’t acknowledge that I exist. I then began to do self harm. The first time, I just took staples and just scratched at my skin. Horrified, I went to my bf at the time and told him I was scared and he replied back “If you are going to do it, don’t be a pansy about it and just do it.” I was heartbroken. I would then have dreams that were better than reality. Where everything was perfect. So I began to think that I should just take sleeping pills and never wake up. I would be in a never ending sleep. In a peaceful world. I was scared of these thoughts so I went to counseling for the first time. After 3 weeks, the counselor left and sent me to another one. I began to cut more and more until I told my mother. She was just going to pull me out of school. I begged her to let me finish, even though I was failing all my classes. My new counselor says that I should go do partial hospitalization and get a therapist but I am so afraid of it. I hate not being normal or that person everyone looks at like I am a threat to society. It hurts. I feel so alone in this. Like you drowning and everyone around you is breathing perfectly fine…What should I do? When will it all end? I hate the idea of medication but I just want it to all end…

Category: asked May 8, 2014

15 Answers

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I've been struggling with manic depression since I was 8 years old. I know the pain you're going through, I was hospitalized needlessly several times, and put on many medications I didn't need, until I couldn't take it anymore and I took my own life for a minute and a half. Let me tell you, it was the biggest mistake of my first life. Somehow, here I am, still kicking, and I just want you to know that there are people here for you.I can't personally agree with the hospitalization, since that tends to do much more damage than good. But I do recommend looking into a therapist. You can explain to them that you are cautious of taking medication, and, honestly, most of them will work with you on that. Therapists aren't all evil head-shrinkers, but there are some out there who would rather give you a script and send you on your way than actually listen and work towards a solution. So while it's a valuable option, do a little looking before you pick one, see what people say about them first. Maybe even joke with yourself about it to make it less scary. Like hey, I'm doctor-shopping. And if you ever need anyone to talk to who has similar issues, well hey, I'm just a message away. I can't promise to fix anything, but I can always listen, share my experiences, and try to help in any way that I can. Hang in there, PianoGirl.
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Hey there, no one can tell you when it will end. There's no answer, and the person who has the most control over that answer is you. Seeing as your depression is affecting your life so strongly, I'd advise you to get help from a therapist. I know it's not easy to do, and it's a hard step to take, but you sound like you want to get better. You want to feel "normal" (whatever that is), and not feel like you do all of the time. You want it to end. And only you can end it, but you have to find the strength to take steps towards recovery! Finishing college can seem important, but you are living your life now. If you are always unhappy now, your priority is finding a way to live happily. And if seeking (professional) help is your path to that, I highly encourage you to do so! Good luck, and love from me <3
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Hey! first, you ARE normal in your own way! Someone I know had told me "You are normal, but at the same time you are unique, Your are you and you should love being you!" I go through social anxiety and I go through depression, I go to a therepist and it DOES help. I'm also scared at the thought of medication, but I do just fine without medication for my anxiety or depression. At some point things WILL get better. For starters, I was starting to feel useful by helping others on this website, Try it out! It will give you a nice sensation of usefulness! Always ALWAYS remember that you CAN make it stop, not by hurting yourself, but by HELPING yourself. Always remember you can be important and remember that you eventually will get better!
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First let me say I am sorry for all you have suffered. Depression is hard enough to cope without experiencing such triggers. I admire your desire to stay in school; I went through two major depressive episodes this year and wanted to drop out. I know how hard it is just to get out of bed in the morning when you're in the midst of an episode, let alone attend class and complete assignments. You are certainly not alone in this, and having depression does not make you any less "normal."
I'm glad you sought the services of a counselor. I think you should follow his or her suggestions. The prospect of hospitalization must be daunting, but don't think of it as being sent away to an "asylum" because society thinks you're "dangerous." Outpatient treatment (which I'm guessing is what your counselor means by "partial hospitalization") is designed to help you help yourself.
There is unnecessary stigma surrounding medication. I have been medicated for my mental health issues for many years, and thank goodness for it. They will not change who you are; you will not be "doped out." They will help you feel stable, help you get your head above water. Once you get the help you need, you'll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you, there is one. And even in your darkest times, I beg you to remember that suicide is not the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Reach out and you will get through this.
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