There’s a reason I don’t get along with two of my brothers (now aged 17 and 18). A deeper reason to what we say anyway. I sometimes think they were too young to remember what they did but then it gets me started about how the hell I still remember. I think it’s worse now that I know what they did was wrong and I know now that I could have stopped it sooner instead of when I did. I think I got too old for them and they lost interest. I’m glad they lost interest. I was four the first time they did it, touched me, made me touch them, it continued until I was about eight. Meaning they were nine and ten when they stopped. All I can remember is how worthless they and their friends made me feel. How horrific and dirty they all made me. And that why would kids so young do something to their baby sister? I regret trusting them now, hence why I have so many trust issues. I think that’s where the rest of my problems stemmed from, anything and everything triggers the thoughts about it, that’s what I hate the most. That now there is nothing I can do about it; the thoughts are and always will be imprinted on my brain. My eldest brother (now 19) would kill them if he knew, deep breath, I’ve always wanted to tell him just to see what would happen but I never could bring myself to, they may have done those things to me but they are still my family. I hate them so much for everything they did to me and how they made me feel but I still love them and I hate that. They hint at stuff every now and then, sexual stuff I also feel they are the reason I am bi with a pref for fems but then I think no that’s just who I am. How can I stop these thoughts about the abuses they inflicted upon me? It may have been years ago but I still remember every detail.
any abuse is hard.. And I say that as i was sexually abused by my brother also who was 19 and i was 10/11. I loved him and I prayed and asked GOD y did he do it to me. My brother drowned couple months after the incident . TO this day I blame myself for his death and everything that happend as I wish I didnt tell my father as he was very hard on him. I have trust issues sooo bad its unreal dats partly the reason I dnt communicate with my dad, I have the toughest exterior and every1 tinks I strong but NO 1 will ever see me cry as I miss him everyday- I was made to believe dat I was responsible for his death for many years and im still healing everyday. Ive got an amazing man in my life dat loves me and knws about my hurt and trust issues and I knw he loves me but its taken me a long time to get there. Im very religious so that has been a great help for me I believe dat GOD dnt give you more than you can handle and EVERY1 hurts. You need to find someone that you can talk with about how you feel someone dats close to you. I spoke with my brother as to y he did wat he did he was ashamed. The ting is if you dnt get the hurt and anger you have in you sorted you can carry it throughout your life. Im now 24 and I can say im starting to move on its taken me so many years but try to forgive them as they were young and forgive yourself as you didnt knw. Be open and honest with your feelings hun, I pray in the long run you get to that place where your confident and healed and the past (though hurtful) will not define your future. xB
Hello,I can feel how much sadness and pain you are experiencing! I think often what's the most help for sexual abuse survivors is to be able to talk about their experiences non-judgmentally in a group of their peers. So my advice to you would be to join a survivors group--- there are many available in the states, such as ascasupport.org, or you could call a crisis hotline like RAINN and many times they can connect you to free self-help groups in your area. I know many people who have been affected by sexual abuse and have been able to get help with their trauma. All the feelings you are having are natural. Best of luck.