For a really long time now, all the things i used to find interesting mean very little to me. I’m not sure why. Two years ago, i don’t remember going a day without smiling. The opposite is truenow. A lot of friends , or, at least, people I have considered to be my friends have left me. Not consciously. But they’re all really busy doing something or the other. I tend to find time for friends, but ALL of them seem to either “have a ton of work left” or “are outside at a party, so imma call you later” and this shouldn’t matter as much as it does to me. But it did. And for the last year or so, I’ve been feeling horrible about it. About everything.
And now, i don’t feel anything. I have no expectations. I don’t care.
A friend of my sisters was in an accident the other day and all i could think of was how hard it must be for her to go to the toilet.
I used to enjoy things. Like science. I’m 17, so it’s a very important year for me. I should be studying my ass off. But i can’t. It’s like a switch has been turned off. And i’m not even fazed by the fact that this could lead me to going to some mediocre university, getting a mediocre degree, and basically ruining my life. I want to die. It means to not exist. And i don’t want to. I don’t want to kill myself. But going through the motions of everyday life is exhausting. I mean it when i say i would hold no regrets with just… not existing. All the thing that happen to me, around me, seem like a scene from someone else’s life. It’s happening, but it’s very vague.
My mom was supposed to take me to see a counselor, but she’s very busy with my sister’s admissions.
She doesn’t get it. I don’t either, but this can’t be normal.
She keeps saying stuff like “Smile, it’ll change your day” and “exercise, you’ll be alright in not time”. I feel bad for her. kinda.
It’s like she thinks this is some temporary thing that’s a result of me not exercising or not going out enough, but honestly, i don’t feel it. I barely feel anything anymore. I can’t relate to any of what she keeps saying. I’m empty.
Is this depression?