What should I do when marriage becomes a role-play?

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Hi ,

I have been married for 9 months but we have been together for 3.5 years and living for 2.5 years. In the last 4 months we have been having lots of arguments and it never ends, one after another.

We had a big fight 3 months ago did not talk for 2 weeks and the biggest fight about a month ago and we started living in the same house in different rooms after that . He chose to do that. I am against separating rooms. So the latest and biggest fight was so offending and for me it was shocking to see his selfishness, hatred and revenge. We don’t have important topics but all small arguments get bigger when we start talking about it, as I am sensitive to bad words, loud voice shouting etc and he does not want to be interrupted and always wants to feel appreciated. He also gets angry quite quickly in a way where our neighbours come to the door. So we have different expectations from each other and it is never enough. A month is too long and tiring, every time we start talking about problems, it becomes another big problem. So we do not want to talk anymore. I was feeling so angry at the beginning, after that sadness, than I was normal but now again I am back to sadness thinking about these. So If I do not love him, I would not have cared about these things and gone already but I am still in the same house. I do not know what to do next, I do not know how to behave so I become unstable in my behaviours and feelings. If there is any married person reading this, I would appreciate your help.

Thanks,

Category: Tags: asked June 14, 2014

2 Answers

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accepted
Thanks a lot for your comments I was always the peacemaker in the previous arguments. Any small argument ended up in a big fight - which led him to throw his ring and leave home for a day last time. So now we are in the stage of making a decision. We will see a counsellor next week because we can not talk alone, I persuaded him. The other thing that scares me is not working things out but that what if this situation occurs again and his selfishness-revenge hurts. I have never been hurt that much before by anyone and he knows how I feel which is even worse. So to clarify I will give an example;In the previous big argument we did not talk about 2 weeks and he was coming home late. I was the one that had to lie all the time to our families. So in the end I was fed up, and I let his family know this situation by sending an email. He was really angry and sad about this. And i apologised 100 times from him and his family. In the last argument with that feeling of revenge, he said that " I will call your family and let them know this" before leaving home . My father had a heart attack last month and we are living abroad. He is recovering from the surgery. And I was really tired that time but really thankful that he survived. He knows what I have been through, he knows that my parents are really tired at the moment. And he is still telling me this as a revenge. I told him not to do that, they have already been tired with lots of things and he did not care and said that I did the same. So that time I really felt that I lost something really important inside. And I am a person that forgets all the words, that is the only thing that repeats in my mind. So I really wonder your thoughts about this selfishness/revenge thing. I know that men and women are different but I can not see the main aim of these things and my heart really hurts thinking all these things all the time for the last months.Thanks again,
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Hello,

I will start by saying I'm not married but I don't think that will discredit my words but read and see for yourself.

As is with any relationship you have two choices, stay or quit. Marriage is a pretty big commitment and, for me, the answer is always try and work things out, unless things are abusive. If you wanted to leave I don't think you would have come here to ask for help so lets talk about working it out instead.

When I was a lot younger I had a girlfriend that I would argue a lot over trivial things. I would spend quite a bit of time thinking about these arguments so that I might prevent them in the future. The arguments made so little sense to me that I eventually chalked it all up to "men don't understand women." Eventually we had an argument that was on a higher scale than usual and she became quite emotional and eventually came to reveal her real feelings and reasons for all the arguments. All of the little trivial arguments actually stemmed from a much larger issue in the relationship... they had absolutely nothing to do with the real issue. I can't say this is what is happening in your relationship but it may be. Either you or him or the both of you aren't happy and you cannot continue on that way so you need to figure out what is really wrong and fix it. If you aren't having much success communicating your feelings then get a third party involved.

I don't think anyone likes to be yelled at and there is no need to raise your voice to be heard but we are human and get angry. A technique I use when someone is getting carried away is to remain calm and speak in a low voice. Usually the person realizes how daft they look for yelling when there is no need as they will be the only one yelling. As for the language... well all you can do is make the request for such language to not be used and hope that out of respect for you that language will not be used. Be forgiving if a mistake is made but also stand up for yourself and remind them that it is a sign of disrespect when that language is used. You can also make a compromise that if he tries to not use foul language you will try to not interrupt him. It is very important to communicate or else your problems will never subside.

Good luck I hope this helps.