Today has been the best example of what normally ends up happening to me. I had a cultural studies exam and I really wasn’t prepared (ALWAYS HAPPENS) so I just threw some words down on paper and gave that in (barely making sense). I didn’t even show up to the exam on time (whereas everyone did). Afterwards I went in the toilet and checked there was no one there, then I just spoke out loud to myself just how much of prat I think I am, and continued a self directed negative dialogue. Not sure this is normal for a start… Just that I always start talking out loud to myself about how frustrated I am, etcetera and feel its unhealthy, because I can’t repeat these things in the company of others. Not that it doesn’t continue to happen with others, but its just internal. Then I spent the rest of the day in a fucked up mood, if anyone talked to me I barely heard what they said, even though I made an attempt to do so, but my internal dialogue was to loud about how I am really behind, how will I tell someone that I am really struggling, and will they even understand. I am just so forgetful, people tell me things and I make an effort to listen (or at least appear as though I am) when in actual fact I don’t really retain any of that information because I am far too preoccupied with my internal thoughts and anxieties. Sometimes I just get so frustrated trying to express myself and I just feel angry and out of control. I felt like I wanted to throw up at one point. And I always feel an enormous amount of guilt that I am letting people down, like my Tutor (who I think is only partly aware about my failure to submit work on time). And my new ‘friends’ (inverted commas because if they knew how screwed up I feel I am, I’m not sure they’d find my friendship quite so appealing) who think that I am very capable because I haven’t let them know the extent of my fears. Though they must be annoyed that I keep showing up late and asking about missed work. I keep making excuses that they still mostly accept. Tonight though I have decided to be disciplined and really focus on my work. So I am staying in and missing out on a fireworks display in town. Whys is there always better alternatives and whichever you do you end up regretting!? Anyway, I guess I just want to hear some perspectives on all of the above to try to understand. Maybe I just think too much, but I have done it for so long that it has become problematic. Any words of encouragement or advice gratefully accepted. I want to be present and capable, not absent minded and incompetent…..