What does this mean? Should I go back to him?

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Two and a half years ago I had to move with my family 6 hours away from a guy I had been dating for a year. He was my first love, my first real boyfriend, my first everything, and he meant everything to me. He broke up with me (we both were sobbing over the phone) a month after I left because the distance was too complicated, and after that, he wasn’t very nice to me at all. We lost contact for about a year and a half, and he recently texted me last spring. I was very skeptical, but we warmed up to each other quickly again. It felt so natural.

Today, he still means everything to me. I’ve never gone a single day without thinking about him. I’ve been so angry with him, hurt, and upset by him, but it never seems to change how I feel. I’m NOT a very emotional person. I hardly ever cry. He’s the only boy I’ve ever cried over. Since him, I’ve talked to other guys, been on dates, and kissed (etc.) other guys, but it’s never felt RIGHT. Nothing and no one compares to this guy I had three years ago. I was only 15. I know it sounds incredibly stupid seeing as we were so young, but I literally never have ever gotten over him, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I cannot even begin to describe how much I love him and how much he is in my head. I realize he’s not perfect, but despite him disappointing me in the past, I love love LOVE him anyways.

Like me, he’s grown and changed over the past few years, but every time I talk to him I feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into him. His personality os so refreshing to me, he makes my mood escalate x1000000, and I’ve never felt like this toward ANYONE else.

My main problem here is that ever since last March, he will text me randomly, admit he misses me, and we’ll have a heart-to-heart lasting all day. After that day, I will not hear from him for WEEKS. Once I lose all hope that he will ever want to see me again, he will text again and the cycle will repeat itself. It’s so hard because he lives so far, and being only 17 I cannot make up a reason to go down there to see him. I’m going very very VERY far away to college next year, and so when I’m 18 I want to drive down this summer and see him and tell him everything. We are still close, and he’s told me he thinks I’m even more attractive than before.

I have a LOT of questions I need outsiders’ opinions on. My family and friends don’t understand very well, and I haven’t shared much with them. Hopefully you all will see this from my perspective and give me your best judgment. So here is goes:

I don’t want to love him as much as I do- it’s painful and inconvenient, but I can’t make my feelings for him go away- do you think this love is real?

I thought about all of the great guys I may meet next year away at school- do you think it’s possible for me to love someone else as much as a love him?

Why does he only text me like once a month, but when he does, it’s like he never left?

Why can’t I move on and get over him? I’ve tried being with/opening up to many other guys and they just don’t cut it!

Is it a good idea to go back to him and talk to him, and if so, how should I go about that?

Do I have a future with him, and if not, how can I open myself up in a way so that I don’t compare other guys to him?

If we aren’t meant to be, and if this isn’t love (I’m convinced it is), then what the heck do I do?!

GUYS— if you were the guy in this situation, what would you want and what do you think???

My entire high school love life has revolved around him. Should I go back and see if we have a future, or do I let it go? I need MANY opinions.

I DESPERATELY want to see him. What are the consequences of that?

Note: And I promise you, I think teen love is the most ridiculous thing in the world, but I’m serious, nothing has ever felt so real. I need it to be real and I swear I love him. I’m a very smart girl. I’m first in my senior class, hopefully will run all the way to valedictorian, and I take this shit seriously.

Thank you so much for your help!

Category: Tags: asked November 30, 2013

10 Answers

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I will PM you, if that's ok...
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great!
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You and I are one in the same. I am only fifteen at the moment, but I definitely know what you're going through. See, my boyfriend had to move VERY far away, and when I say very far I mean, like, 6 states away. This happened 4 months into our relationship. Life hasn't been the same up here without him, he used to walk me to school, because he lived right down the road, we'd walk around town together after school or on weekends, etc. He was my first kiss, and I felt... like something vital was missing. We decided before he left that we would try a long distance relationship, and even though we have been through that much and more, we still love each other. I had dated one guy after him, and when he held my hand, it just didn't seem right, he never got the chance to kiss me. One word to describe that relationship? Short. Anyways, we have been together for a total of 11 months now and he purposed to me, so I'd say that this is a bit more than infatuation. what I am saying is that it is possible to love someone at a young age and stay in love with them. I think that at the moment, in your situation, that you should go and see him and once you do, you will be able to realize if you have just been fantasizing about him being your only love as all teens do. After that you go off to college and if you aren't with him because you decide he's not right, then, conversely, you won't compare others to him. I believe that under the right circumstances you can find love at this age, but that is up to you to decide. If you don't like the way he is handling the distance between you two now, remember that might not change later on in college, you have to accept that and acknowledge it, to me it seems like you are always the one waiting for him to text you, you can't let one party do all the work, you also have to make an effort to breach the distance. You will make the right decision in the end. People like us have to stick together, I believe in you as much as I believe in my own relationship. Good luck
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Ever heard the saying, "You never forget your first love"? You say he was your first love. When you two broke up, you weren't very happy. It looks like you haven't gotten proper closure and/or you're not willing to let go of the past between you and him. The question you should be asking yourself is, "Will it be the same between us?" You may still want to be with him, but it's been some time and you might not like what you get if you go back to him. It's great that he texts you on rare occasions and it feels like he's been with you the whole time when the conversation is initiated, but that just happens, it's nothing really special. It's like best friends really--I didn't talk to my best friend for five years because I moved away, but when we reconnected, it was like she never left. Anyways, I want to address this question: "I thought about all of the great guys I may meet next year away at school- do you think it’s possible for me to love someone else as much as a love him?" Always!!!! In fact, you wouldn't even think about wanting him once you find the right guy! Do not let good guys pass you by just for your 'first love'! As enticing and romantic as it sounds, life isn't a romance book and there might be a reason he'll only be in your 'first love' catagory. BUT...if you choose to go back with this guy, I won't object. I've never been in the situation, so I have no right to say "no, that's stupid". If you choose to just be friends with him, I think that's the safer choice, but that's just an opinion from a girl who has no experience in what you're facing. I think he's holding you back from seeing other guys who would treat you like a princess because you really want him back. And where you say you're a smart girl, I believe that, but that doesn't mean you are (for a lack of a better term) 'dating smart'--and that's okay, because a lot of women aren't, sadly, probably not even me. But just remember, when you are making your decision, that you have to be happy in the end, and that the past will always be the past. Good luck! :) (I apologize for the mess I just made, so hopefully you can make some sense out of it, it's not really organized, but that's just how my thoughts function)
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Ok apparently I can't. So I'll answer as best I can on here. And I don't think it's what you want to hear - this is me being brutally honest...

I don’t want to love him as much as I do- it’s painful and inconvenient, but I can’t make my feelings for him go away- do you think this love is real?

I think what you are feeling for him is real enough, but I don't think it is love. At fifteen and now at seventeen... you still don't know what you want in this world. Not truly. It's human nature for our wants and desires to change as we do. You haven't changed all that much in 2 years and neither has he, trust me. You need to give yourself time to discover who you really are inside without the constraints of expectations from parents and high school crap.

I thought about all of the great guys I may meet next year away at school- do you think it’s possible for me to love someone else as much as a love him?

No. I think it is possible for you to love someone more than you have ever loved him. He was your first love and as such will always hold a special place in your heart. But love that you discover after that initial infatuation will be stronger and longer-lasting than a year of puppy love from freshman year of high school.

Why does he only text me like once a month, but when he does, it’s like he never left?

Because he probably has someone on the side - whether he's being honest about her or not. That's my gut instinct, anyway; ask yourself this: If you really, truly meant that much to him, wouldn't he talk to you more than once a month? (Right now, it's like you're his Aunt Flow!) The same thing happened to me with one of my ex boyfriends; he did this to me, toyed with my heart and emotions, so he'd have a fall-back option should his current relationship fall through. As to why you feel that way... you're a teenage girl. You don't know your own heart well enough to sort out your feelings and his manipulation isn't helping.

Why can’t I move on and get over him? I’ve tried being with/opening up to many other guys and they just don’t cut it!

They're teenage boys. Of course they're not gonna cut it. Right now their primary concern, whether they will admit it or not, is getting their rocks off and whether or not you're willing to help them in that endeavor. 99.9% of guys between the ages of 14 and 45 have that as their motivating factor when it comes to cultivating a relationship. You're a smart girl and can probably see right through them. It may not seem like your ex is doing this because of the distance, but to me it sounds like he's toying with you on purpose, most likely to that end. As to why you can't get over him... I don't think you honestly want to. You're about to undergo a major change in your life - moving far away to go to college - and are probably subconsciously seeking out comfort in the familiarity of this past relationship.

Is it a good idea to go back to him and talk to him, and if so, how should I go about that?

No. But your mind is clearly made up to actually go through with it because you're asking for advice in how to handle doing just that. I won't give you any, because I don't think this is a good idea.

Do I have a future with him, and if not, how can I open myself up in a way so that I don’t compare other guys to him?

No one knows the future. But you need to square with the fact that he obviously isn't ok with a long-distance relationship. With that knowledge, you should know that as long as you're not in the immediate area he will not be interested in anything serious with you (that or he won't be faithful for long; something else will catch his eye and he will break it off again to avoid guilt.) Once you accept the fact that the relationship won't happen over a distance, you will be able to heal and move on. Just keep in mind that most men your age aren't... I don't want to say mature enough for you, but I guess that's what it boils down to. Women are notoriously more mature than men at this age and make better decisions overall (just ask any guy under 25 about his car insurance rates compared to yours.) Be prepared to deal with that. Open yourself up to just having fun, too, whether that be hanging out/dating other guys or taking it further than that. Just go with the flow. You're young and have a lifetime ahead of you to find a relationship. Focus on your schooling and have fun while you can!

If we aren’t meant to be, and if this isn’t love (I’m convinced it is), then what the heck do I do?!

Once again, it sounds like your mind is already made up and I'm not really sure why you're even asking for outside input...

GUYS— if you were the guy in this situation, what would you want and what do you think???

As my father, brother, and current significant other will admit - at this point, their only concern would be whether or not they could get what they wanted out of you. All three are outstanding men but in their wilder times they'd have put their own needs above the emotional needs of the female. Even though they were good guys back then and are great men now, that's what their motivation would have been. They wouldn't have toyed with you like this, though. That is a sign of a weak, selfish BOY.

My entire high school love life has revolved around him. Should I go back and see if we have a future, or do I let it go? I need MANY opinions.

Let it go for now. He needs to grow up, as do you, before there is any hope of this going beyond puppy love and lust. He's your first but I doubt he will be your last. My first love in high school is not my current love. I felt the same about him as you do this guy now, but I found a much more meaningful love each time I opened my heart and am happier in my current relationship than I ever was with him.

I DESPERATELY want to see him. What are the consequences of that?

1) Finding him with someone else. 2) Being disappointed/heartbroken that he doesn't want the same things you do, phone conversations aside. 3) Being used... emotionally and/or sexually. I am willing to bet money that if you do go see him he'll want you to jump in bed with him and will be upset if you don't by either getting angry at you right then or acting distant again. If you do, be prepared to deal with the fact he doesn't want to date you in earnest afterwards. SLEEPING WITH HIM WILL BE A MISTAKE; if you are this emotionally attached to him now, having sex will only complicate it further. Trust me on this one, PLEASE do not make that mistake. 4) Ask yourself if you can honestly emotionally handle the rejection if he decides he doesn't want a relationship with you. If he's said he does over the phone, remember that he also disappears after these heart-to-hearts. That doesn't sit right with me and it shouldn't sit well with you either!
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Thanks so much all of you! I am definitely understanding better now.
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Tell him how you feel, ask if he wants to try a relationship with you, and if he doesn't want it, tell him to please never contact you again, so you can move on.
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hey hunny, sorry to hear about your situation.i can give you a bit of advice becuase ive been in the same situation before... if im guessing right he feels the same about you but boys are different to girls in their ways of coping.he probably calls you all day once a month because he does have feelings for you and he does miss you but his way of coping with this long distance thing is obviously by switching off.he probably doesnt want to hurt you but talking to you might be hurting him.hopefully im making sense! i think its lovely that you still feel this way about him after all these years,but most girls probably would have good memories about their first love. the long distance thing wont work in the long run,your still young and you need to try and get out there,meet new people and live your life.if you two are meant to be your paths will meet in the future,im deffo a believer in that! dont lose contact altogether but stay friends and stay in contact.the hurt will ease in time but once you get out there and enjoy yourself it will get easier good luck xx
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In terms of distance, it seems like he didn't want to put forth the effort towards a "long distance relationship". Honestly, 6 hours is nothing in terms of distance. There are many ways to see him and many ways to stay in contact and have a feeling of togetherness. There's skype, texting, calling, anything at all and when it comes to travelling you'll both be able to borrow the car and see each other or meet halfway. Either that or take a bus or train ride. My girlfriend and I are separated across the country. She's in Arizona and I'm in North Carolina and I would do whatever it takes to make it work. Do not make distance an obstacle in a serious relationship.
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Just my bit of advice is to let him go. You seem like a very smart, motivated, and loving person and it honestly sounds like he is just toying with your heart. I know its hard to hear because you love him and care about him but I agree that he probally has other girls hes with and he only texts you when he "misses" you. I have been there before too! My ex bf toyed with my heart and played with my emotions for so long and I just recently put a stop to it... you just have to be strong and stay busy- which it sounds like you will be doing because your going to college soon! I know you love him but it sounds like theres alot more keeping you two apart then keeping you together. You also have Blahtherapy to help you through! I know im here to message if you need me!