What do I do with these feelings?

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Long story short, I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about six months now, and it is going great. The thing is, he lives on the other side of the country, and every time we make plans to see each other, something always comes up.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like maybe I should just let him go. I really do love him, and I know he loves me, but with everything just going on, I don’t want to burden him. But every time I think about ending the relationship, my heart just sinks. Not only is he my boyfriend, but he is also my bestfriend, I can tell him anything. He understands when I need to just talk, and he’ll listen, but then he understands when I need to laugh. He even lets me cry over the phone to him about the stupidest things.

I feel like I don’t deserve him. I struggle with really bad panic attacks, and I’m trying to work on them, but I don’t want to put him through anything. He tells me time after time that he doesn’t mind, but I always feel terrible. I know I shouldn’t be doubting him or his intentions, but I just care for him so much that I don’t want to force him to do anything. I always get scared that he’ll get sick of having to help me through a panic attack.

I’ve talked to him about this, and he always says that it will never happen, he loves me, and he will always be there for me.

I don’t know what to do. I just love him so much but sometimes it just hurts knowing that I care for him, and that maybe I’m just not stable enough to keep him happy.

Category: Tags: asked January 10, 2014

8 Answers

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What do you mean by "every time we make plans to see each other, something always comes up"?

That sounds like it could be a pretty serious red flag. Like, on the list of things-that-probably-mean-there's-something-wrong for LDRs, "something always gets in the way of us meeting" is pretty high up there.

I'm also concerned about the lack of self-esteem I see in your post. You say you don't think you deserve him, you fear you're a burden on him and that you're not stable enough for him. Are these things he's told you or that his actions have hinted at?
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I can't tell you to leave him or stay. He sounds like a great guy and he might be in you life no matter what you choose. You should tell him how you feel because being miles away from your boyfriend is stressful. Let him know you feel this way and maybe you two can meet a resolution like meeting more often.
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By things coming up, I meant as in his older brothers all returning home and him not necessarily having a reason to come visit anymore.And no, not once has he told or hinted at any of these insecurities. In fact I've talked to him about how I've felt like I don't deserve him and he always says that I'm wrong and I shouldn't think that.I kind of know why I think that way sometimes because the first guy I ever truly liked turned out to be in love with one of my close friends but didn't even tell me until after a few months of serious talking and even dating.I know I shouldn't be having these doubts, but I over think and over analyze everything sometimes...
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But something consistently happens that prevents him from coming to see you every time you two make plans? Family suddenly comes over or he has a project that needs more time?
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We made plans for him to visit over Christmas, but his brother (who lived in the same state I did) came back suddenly and decided to stay, and now even the plans we made for spring break and summer are now uncertain.
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This exact situation has happend to me but we lived near each other but i have had lon distance relationships. Just ask yourself if you really love and can you see yourself growing old and dying with this person and even if you cant see each other love can find a way. Love is the most powerful thing in any world and as long as you keep the love flowwing between you 2 there will be no end to your love and there is no reason to let that king of thing go
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I like the fact that you are so selfless about this. Like panic attacks are hard to work on and sometimes you need someone to be your rock. And you picked someone who is not a stable rock. I think breaking up shouldn't be the first thing to jump into. My advice is to tell him what you are saying here. I think the way you put it is so perfect. It doesn't sound pushy or selfish. He should get the message that you are about to move on and that something needs to happen before you make a finalize choice.
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Hello Maeghan, you did the right thing in reaching out.

Long-distance relationships are never easy, the emotional strain of knowing you have someone somewhere else in the world who loves you, but not having the completion of that bond by being able to touch or directly interact with them puts a hard strain on even the strongest emotional bond. I give you credit; I personally could not handle a long-distance relationship, in fact, I recommend against them, but you appear to be handling it fantastically well. Kudos.

That said, the longer you go without the "consummation" of your relationship; that is, actually meeting the guy, the more that strain is going to go up until it snaps, and he doesn't seem to be taking that possibility into account if he seems so consistently okay with kicking the can down the road when it comes to meeting you, so as Jessiebelle before me said, that is a huge red flag.

Tell him that it is seriously affecting you that the two of you can't seem to avoid things "coming up", and the time has come to set a non-interruptable date ahead of time for that to happen, with enough advance warning, he can have plenty of time to spread the word around that he will be otherwise engaged on the hypothetical future date.

As to your panic attacks, the only advice I can give is to designate a comfortable place for you to remove yourself to when you experience a panic attack. I made my living room especially comforting and inviting to alleviate tension when my panic attacks started. It was a place that I know I had complete control of, and was a comforting place to sit down, breathe slow and deep, and bring my emotions back under control. The same things don't work for everyone, but you're welcome to try.

Please keep in contact and let us know how things are going in your life. Always remember that you matter, and you are not alone.