Virginity

Hello Guardian, thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

It is a millenias-old correlation; virginity with innocence and purity. It seems like for as long as mankind has kept records man has always considered the first act of sex to be momentous, and with movies, poetry, other assorted literature and seemingly all of society backing up the notion, it is entirely understandable that you'd wonder about your own virginity by that example and that perspective. Most people are curious about the act that is supposed to "make them a -man/woman-".

There is no way to put this without it sounding pretentious, so I'm just going to say it bluntly: society and all of mankind has been wrong about virginity for all these years. The only worth virginity has is what the individual chooses to give to it. It is 100% subjective, and it is also 100% overrated. Virginity could do with a little irreverence instead of being near to a source of worship.

Your worth is in no way attached to the state of your sexual activity, for better or for worse. You seem to have a pretty stable handle on the way you view sex as it is, and you have fairly sound reasoning for your beliefs, so you can safely give yourself a pat on the back for that.

Because sex is so powerful a drive, people treat it like a powerful force, and the truth is that it is. Sex does indeed sell. People build and destroy for sex. Science even theorizes that sex, like fear, is a prime motivator; one of the foundational motivations that drives mankind at the most fundamental level. It is even on Maslow's Pyramid of Needs. The power and influence of sex is undeniable.

That being said, sex only influences as much as you allow it to, but without letting this turn into an anti-sex commentary, sex is also one of the most natural things life has to offer, and as such, there is nothing wrong with indulging in that. If you feel the drive to find a sex partner or two, or more, then it is your fundamental right as a human being to do so. Any rules or laws that attempt to prevent two or more consenting adults from engaging in whatever sexual congress that they desire is misguided at best.

If you are ready for sex, then go for it, and if you have any notions of shame attached to sex in your head, you would be well-served to get rid of them. Attaching shame to one of the most pleasant experiences life has to offer is one of the most sadistic and masochistic acts of insanity mankind has ever committed, and the more people indulge in sex without shame, the better. The human body is beautiful, and life is meant to be lived. Don't deny yourself a pleasure you desire because of a half-understood moral.

If you're still not ready for sex, then that is perfectly okay as well: you take your time and nature will handle it in due course. When you're ready, you will absolutely know it. The human body is magnificently wired to make the individual aware of when it is ready for sex.

Sex before marriage as a shameful act is a complete farce of a moral. It is demeaning to the human condition, and is a spit in the face of well-intentioned morals. It is also subjective; if you as an individual want to wait for marriage, then you're doing the right thing by yourself by adhering to your beliefs, but if a person in any way denies themselves because they think or feel that they have to because of an aphorism or tradition, then they are not doing the right thing by themselves.

Do what you feel is the right thing for yourself, for your own sake, at your own pace. It is your body, and it knows what it is doing. All you have to do is be patient with yourself and listen to it.

I hope that something I've said gives you some perspective and is helpful.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin before marriage. However, I also believe that there is nothing wrong with giving yourself to someone you truly love and foresee a future with. I agree that there are double standards within our society that I don't necessarily agree but alas that will take time to change. If you truly love a woman, you believe that she is the love of your life, you're prepared for the consequences, and you both are ready for a more intimate relationship then there's nothing wrong with that. However, if your religion is a very strong basis for your morals and your decision making process then perhaps you need reevaluate the importance of sexual intimacy in a premarital relationship. That is only my opinion though. It all really depends on what you value. Just don't waste yourself on someone who doesn't appreciate you. You are a gift. Best of Luck to you!

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin before marriage, just as there's nothing wrong with having pre-marital sex. It is important however that you have sex with someone who values you and isn't just after sex itself. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, I thought he loved me, looking back at it that wasn't the best idea. I have a new boyfriend now and I see us being together for a very long time, I've slept with him and I'm comfortable with him. It depends on your values I guess, either way there's nothing wrong with sex at all. Doesn't matter if you sleep with one person, or nobody until your married, the only time sex is wrong is when it's not consensual, do what you feel is right and what you want.

Until last year (I was 20), I lived by the fact that I was going to keep my virginity until I was married. I had absolutely no problem in doing so. I had relationships, I just made it clear, I wasn't going to have sex. (Of any kind)Then I met my, now, fiancé. I knew that he was it for me. I knew I loved him and he loved me. Suddenly, I had a new look on everything. As you can tell by fiancé, we are not married yet, but I decided I could give him what I had so carefully kept until now.What I'm trying to say is. It's your decision whether or not to be a virgin or not be a virgin. No one can make you decide. No one else can tell you what to decide. It's up to you. And if you make the decision to stay a virgin until marriage, there is nothing saying you can't change your mind later if you find someone you feel you want to give it to.Don't feel pressured to give it up because you're a guy and society says you're supposed to sleep with everything with two legs and a pulse and if you don't its not acceptable. Double standards f**king suck. You think about what you want and then you make your decision based on that and nothing else. Whoever you decide to give yourself to, is going to be lucky and I hope they value that.I hope that made sense.

The response you received from Just Emily is remarkably articulate and insightful for a young lady of her age. And I agree with her.

Regarding the religious aspects of your consideration of the issue that all entirely up to you. It's no one's business but yours if you do or don't want to have sex before marriage and if your reasons for that are due to a religion then that's your choice.

You started off by setting down what you consider losing your virginity. That's also entirely up to you. Virginity is very conceptual and sex is dynamic over time as well. For instance in certain times a girl was considered to have lost her virginity if her hymen was not in tact. But would you consider a 12 year old who broke her hymen falling off a bike to not be a virgin? No clearly not. Now virginity is much more an emotional state. If you engage in what you refer to as 'outercourse' rather than 'innercourse' (sorry couldn't resist) and consider yourself a virgin, well then that's the case. But you might find that you engage in that activity with someone who you care for deeply and that feeling might go away. Regardless of the technical rules you've set down for yourself, you might not feel virginal anymore and considering when you boil it down to the physical act... there is no difference.

Virginity is emotional not physical.