Venters: during chatting, what helped you the most?


I’m a psychology student who recently found out about this site. And I think it’s a wonderful idea. I learned some techniques, based on theories, during my study how to talk with people. People were generally happy to talk to me, but I would like to improve. Thus, I’m wondering what you venters find most helpful when chatting with listeners? Was it most helpful when listeners where emphatic? Unconditioned acceptance? If some of you could share their good experiences, or things you should absolutely avoid, it would be really helpful for me, since I do not have much real life experience.

asked May 28, 2014

3 Answers

I think that what you are doing is totally amazing. I mean it's smart to come on here for advice.As for myself, I think that limitless is right in trying to learn about the person that you are speaking with before giving advice and adjusting to that role. Personally, I have had the worst experiences, as a venter with those who have told me right off the bat "I understand or I am totally open." when They did that I couldn't help, but feel apprehensive. with my experience with people who say they understand, I couldn't help thinking we don't know each other's lives, or the events that make us who we are. Or rather it is too soon to be saying that in the chat. Therefore, I think you should try to avoid saying that phrase with SOME people, until they are sure they need to hear that.I mean some people take comfort in that phrase, because it means that they are not alone in facing their problem. it provides solace. But, others like myself who are a bit suspicious of people--even though it's contradictory to come on this site then-- just want to see it in action. Like don't immediately say that phrase, just listen, ask questions if your confused about the situation, and provide a brief example if you are willing of a personal situation, and IMMEDIATELY return to the listener. ask them how they feel or if they are on the same note. when you do it like that around people who are a bit apprehensive, I personally feel it means not only are you listening, but you are showing sympathy and showing true concern, because it goes back to the listener. BUT, everyone is for the totally open phrase, I have experienced listeners who have said that and given me ultimatums when they don't understand a problem. Some, not all, have said, " you could either choose to talk about your problem right now, or I could leave take, your pick." I felt horrible. some venters have various backgrounds, and various levels of communication. I think that when you feel that you are an open person, it does not need to be expressed in words except action. So, try to talk with the listener and be honest with them. I'm sorry if you already knew that, and in no way do I want to say you are like someone else. That you have to follow a certain conduct. I just think, That unless a listener is uncertain in the conversation, and you feel it is best to let them know do it. it is your decision on how to go about things, AND everyone is different.I think the only other bad experience I would have on here would be, personal information. Like gender and age. I feel that as a listner, people should not give advice based off of those two factors, because everyone is different. I mean you could be talking to two 16 year olds one could act mature and the other could be mature. If you are able to deduce someone's age range, then props to you. But, unless the Venter is willing to share I wouldn't ask. Because there is a reason for why they don't, right off the bat say I'm a 15 year old boy having trouble with... moreover, You don't know the background. Going back, the mature 16 year old could be mature because of issues back home, violence, trauma, or just be incredibly wise. while you could say the same for for the immature one. The important thing to do though is converse. Let them ease into the topic. once the venter is comfortable they will be honest.Also, I know that for myself, when a listener asks my age, I feel put off. Because I have had experiences where the listener has said, " oh when I was you're age I was impulsive too, or when I was younger..." statements like that make me feel like I am being spoken down to. While it may be that you are trying to empathize, you cannot truly know that I am really an impulsive person, or if the problem where I brought up the impulse is the first time. I feel that, outside gender, age, and race, the situation is more important. So, ask questions more about the situation, that way the other person does not feel reduced.Finally, time. if you are running low on time I suggest that you don't come on here at all. At least, until there is a more convenient time where you can get the issues resolved. I say this, because I encountered someone that had a traumatic experience once, and I was worried about their feelings. throughout the whole conversation, I listened, provided professional help services when needed, and interjected with my own experiences even though they were not as severe. the main point, there are extremely vulnerable people who actually need help. While it may be they need professional help, I think it's important to voice that, while at the same time calming them down. However, it is understandable if you have to go, just make sure you provide the help line or suggestion.Similarly, but to a lesser extent, some venters may be hasslers, while other may not be. BUT, they may have a communication issue. I can't say much about the first. But, for those who have trouble communicating, I think it's important to sit with them and converse. some may have anxiety or some other matter floating about in their head. To which point, I think it would be best to start small and work your way up. Like what are you feeling right now, what is the first thing that comes to mind, why do you feel that way. It may take a while to get an answer out of them. But, it ensures that the conversation is being taken seriously and there is a way to resolve it. moreover, when you have an easy conversation going back and forth you share something (not that you have to) and they share something, sharing thoughts like that could help someone figure out a way to say what they feel is wrong. Like "oh, maybe the reason why I'm constantly upset with so and so is not because they won't talk to me, but because I feel guilty about telling them...."I apologize if this is long, but those were my experiences as a venter and listener. I don't want you to feel obligated to do something you are not comfortable with. I think that with your career, and your sincere mindset, you will find what works best for you. I hope that you can find the best method for yourself, and that you have a fulfilling career. :) Again, I apologize for the wordiness. you don't have to follow everything. But, I want to thank you for putting such an effort into your career path. you are admirable. :)
People tell me I'm a very good listener and sometimes the best they've ever met..I totally agree with limitless and I've also read books on psychology so that really helps, if you want I have some chats saved, I could even mail them to you if you want to examine..just message me (:
I can tell you what i didn't like about some of the listeners.... 1) They wont let you finish what you're saying. It's like they become a know-it-all. I get this vibe like they want to just say something without actually understanding what the venter's saying. All they want is to just say without even thinking first. They are impatient. 2) They seem clueless. They just dish out their opinions without putting themselves in the venter's shoes. Treating them like themselves, I mean, EVERYONE'S NOT LIKE YOU, DUDE. .....................Hmmm... I think as a Psychology student you'd know that girls and guys are very different so they need different types of listeners. Cos girls usually vent even when they kno the answer to their problem.. hmmm.