Ultimatum or Friend Zone?


Hello all,

Three week ago, my high school sweetheart reached out to me and we spent a lot of time chatting back and forth via Facebook since then. We got together one evening for a baseball game and some drinks and ended up talking till 3am in the morning. I crashed on her couch, woke up the next morning, we talked some more, then left. As I left, we embraced in a hug that lasted way longer than a friendly hug.

Some highlights:
–I am recently divorced, May 2012. Relationship lasted 6 years.
–She ended an Engagement in Nov 2010. Relationship was 8 years.
–We have both dated and slept with other people in between all of our relationships.
–We dated 5 years in and after highschool. Her father ended our relationship at the time due to the fact that we were fighting a lot. Hormones, different colleges, etc.

In week 1, she never mentioned a boyfriend. In week 2, she mentioned it, but said it was only a 6 week thing. In week 3, she confided in me that she’d actually been with him for over a year.

It is clear that there are mutual feelings involved. I approached her about what this reunion was and she told me that she wasn’t sure, was trying to figure out her emotions and needed time. She told me to “not rule anything out, but not to plan on something more”. Later I found out that she considers me to be a “backup plan”.

Question: I do care for her a lot and we have amazing chemistry. Should I ask her to make a decision on her emotions and give us a chance or step back and stay in the friend zone until she figures things out on her own time (VERY tough)? Am I wasting my time?

Thanks all!

Category: asked July 16, 2013

4 Answers

I think that you should ask her about how she feels about you. If you think that you two can genuinely have relationship where both of you would be happy then I am sure you can wait. Or she may be going through something that is described in the song "If I Loved You" by Delta Rae. You should give it a listen (seriously I am not trying to make light of the situation I just have friends who would be able to sum up unrequited love with this song).
I would try and get to know her as she is today. I think you both need to take it slow despite a past history together. People change. You will get your answer as you get reacquainted. You are no one's Back Up Plan. Never give away your Value as a person. It will only hurt bad in the end. I have been there. It is no fun. Worse comes to worse you found an old friend.
You can ask her now to decide among you and Plan A guy, but I think she already decided what she wants to do for now. If you have feelings for her that go beyond a friendship there is nothing wrong if you say to her that you will be available to try it out if her current relationship ends, and then politely put yourself aside and go on with your life- If you think you can stay in her life as a friend, give it a try but don't call it being friendzoned because it's a term that evokes resentment and frustration and it won't work if that's how you frame it.
i think you are wasting your time. demanding that she confesses her feelings or lack thereof won't do any good because she most likely isn't sure. if she was, she'd either be with you already, or she'd friendzone you without any mixed messages. personally i hate the 'not sure' situations much worse than the ones when you're clearly rejected. they cause hopes and expectations which, in their turn, cause pain.

chemistry comes and goes; friendship remains. if she's an interesting person you'd like to do things with, and if you have stuff in common, you can still have a relationship. after all, friendship, too, is a form of love.