Two years later and she still haunts my dreams…

Last night I had an unexpected guest in my dreams. My ex-girlfriend who I haven’t spoken to in 2 years since she dumped me over 5 text messages about a week before Christmas. How did it happen, you ask? Our relationship was always toxic from the very beginning. We dated from February 22, 2012 on and off until December 14, 2012, the day she broke up with me.

Basically, around 11:15am, I awoke to my phone showing 5 new text messages from her. The contents of those text messages broke me. Basically, everything was a lie. In those text messages, she told me that she was never really in love with me, that she pretended to love me, and kept me around for “entertainment and good company” as she put it.

The day she sent me those text messages, I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel my heart beating inside my chest. It felt like I was dead inside. My best friend at the time who was also my aunt, knew me better than I knew myself and could tell something was up. So while we were sitting in the parking lot of a mall the day before Christmas, she turned to me and made me tell her why I wasn’t acting like my usual self. So I told her what happened. And that was the first time in 10 days that I cried. I cried in her arms for at least an hour, I wanna say. And she just held me in her arms while I let all my walls come crumbling down, let her take down all of my barriers, and just bawled and bawled and bawled.

It took me all of 2013 to get over her. But when I thought I was finally over her, I did the one thing that took the most courage. And that was to delete her number from my phone. After we broke up, I didn’t delete her number right away. I didn’t have it in me. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to text her but couldn’t figure out what to say and ended up deleting everything I typed because nothing sounded right or didn’t look the way it sounded in my head if that makes any sense.

Because of her, I haven’t been able to have normal/stable relationships with anyone, romantically. I have flings here and there but they don’t last. I don’t let them last because I’m scared. Two years later and my heart still has barbed wire and a protective barrier(s) around it. I’m still fixing what she broke. I want a relationship but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t wanna get hurt again.

I know all of you are gonna say “Oh, just give it time. The right one will come along.” But basically, my whole reason for writing this is because two years later and my ex still haunts me. I guess I’m not as over her as I thought I was. She was my first love, basically. And I know they say you never really do get over your first love. But I wanna completely move on from her. But for some fucked up reason, my heart won’t let me. She hurt me in one of the worst ways imaginable, yet my heart still won’t release it’s grip on her. And I think once I move on from her completely, I’ll be fine… But as of right now, she haunts my dreams, my thoughts. Everything I see, I see her in some part of whatever I see or do. And I just wanna make it stop! Someone please tell me how to make it stop, make the nightmares stop. That’s all I’m asking for.

Category: Dating & Relationships asked July 13, 2014

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7 Answers

I wonder what your feeelings for your ex really are? I understand that she hurt you really bad, broke your heart and made it even worse by telling you those terrible things about how she never really loved you at all. You're also saying that your relationship was toxic from the start. That makes me wonder even more about the nature of the feelings that keep you attached to her. Did you ever get to talk to her about why she did this to you? Do you desire any kind of revenge, or do you still love her and want her back? Do you have questions left unanswered? Maybe that is the true reason why you can't really let her go and get a new relationship that lasts. It seems that you never got a real clusure to the relationship, maybe that's the problem? So, I advice you to spend some time in silence with yourself and take a really close look at the feelings you get when you think about her, the relationship you had and how it ended. What is the true nature of your feelings? What is it in you that keeps you from letting go of her? How do you imagine that your life together would be like if a "miracle" happened and you actually got back together?

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Junnie

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Darling, I think one of the reasons she's still haunting you is because you never really got closure in this situation. She left you hanging, hurt by her words. You two never got to talk about what she did and why.At this point, though, it's better to not go looking for her to get that closer. So, here is what I think you should do. 1. Get a new hobby- one that you'll love doing. I want you to surround yourself with it. 2. Try to avoid having free time as much as possible. Make plans, so you don't have time to be bothered with her and what she did. 3. Meet some people and make new friends. Expand your social circle! 4. Don't drink or anything of that nature. It solves nothing. 5. When you find a girl, remember COMMUNICATION IS KEY. You don't have to unload the entire thing on her. Just make her understand that you've been seriously hurt, and that you need to build trust with her. And if she's not serious, she needs to go because you deserve better. When you've built trust, don't be afraid to take that leap of faith, because I promise you, most women are NOT like that bitch! 6. Message me. I'd really like to be friends :)

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MysticMoon

233

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I can fully understand you. I am in the exact situation as you. The only difference is that he cheated on me and then two months after the break up he came back asking advice about his fiance. Yes, a fiance. Anyway, I am just showing you that I feel the same. You try so hard to forget that one person you trusted wholeheartedly and the you realize that everything was fake to them. No true love, no true words, no true feelings. No matter what she did to you, you still love her. Even if the feelings are too deep for you to realize. You trusted her so it's hard to trust someone else in the same way. You are afraid to open up your heart and let a new girl come in it. I advise you to relax. Take advantage of the time, start doing things that you love doing and after a while the pain will vanish. Of course you'll hardly ever forget her. But, don't try to remember her at the same time too! Close your eyes. Let all of those memories go, and start from 0 once again. Believe that someone, out there, in the whole world is made for you. Love is a mystery. And it can get unexpectedly in your life so don't give up. Most of all, don't search for it. When this special girl comes in your life, you'll realize it. Just believe in this, believe it can happen. Don't fight the past in order to forget it. Just let it go, accept it as it is and say "She moved on in her life. So, I should do the same." It may be hard but it's the best for you. Make a new beginning. You don't have to find a girlfriend from now. Because you may choose the wrong one again. Just give it time, hope and be brave.If you want, we can talk about it. I hope I helped a little.

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FullmoonDarkstar

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To Jumla - I never got to ask her all the questions running through my head. When it happened that morning, it felt like I had just been shot. It happened that quickly. There wasn't any time for me to react or ask anything and my brain was a jumbled mess. After she sent those texts, I didn't hear from her again and I didn't feel like texting her because 1) I didn't have it in me and 2) As the day went along and I slowly started to process what had happened, my head and heart were conflicted. I was torn between texting her and trying to get some answers or obey her wish as to let that be the end of us and start the grieving process. I chose not to text her. There are definitely a lot of unanswered questions that she left me with that I wish I could get answers to. And I think that might be PART of why I can't let go completely.

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-1

Thank you, FullMoon. Right now, my brain is just a jumbled mess and I haven't been sleeping lately; only getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night. But that's also caused by other situations going on in my life right now. This is just a contributing factor to that. But yeah if you wanna talk, I have kik which is Agent1404. Or we can Skype which is LizFL386 if you have that. Whatever works for you.

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-1

This same thing happened to me back when I was 17. Also a week before christmas. Although we only went out for 3 months and I didnt take as long to get over him. But he did say that he never really liked me and what he said was still hurtful. But after a while I realised that if thats the way that he was going to treat me than why should I waste my time beating myself up over it when I could just get on with my life. I know it seems difficult to try and trust people again and have a meaningful relationship with someone if you think that they're going to abandon you, but everyone isn't like that. It's just a matter of findng the right person for you, someone you know would never harm you intentionally and to have your back when you need it most. But I think to stop having these nightmares you need to get some closure. Not revenge. Maybe its because of how things were left. it was kind of open ended and you didnt get the chance to talk things over with her. And with the trouble you are having with relationships, I doubt that it will last forever. You could probably go to get referred to a psychologist to talk to someone about it. They could probably help to at least get rid of the nightmares.Hope everything works out for you.

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Jess C

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Man you're gonna harm yourself hard. Look, I ask you, If she came back, would you just forget everything just to be again with her? Do you think you would recover in that way? Would you forget your pain so easily? Would you forgive her? Be honest. I have none of two....but you can email me if ya want. :) [email protected]

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FullmoonDarkstar