Hey, this is my first post here.
Basically, for the past 3~4 years I have been struggling with depersonalization/derealisation, anxiety and depression.
The DP started when I was 16 and I’m nearly 20 now, It has been really rough for me, but I feel like I am finally getting some answers as to why I feel the way I do.
All I really need is for someone to read what I’m writing, and for them to tell me if it sounds like I am on to something.
So first off, I’ll explain a little about my childhood;
I remember always being scared of my father when I was little… [I never lived with him because my parents were never married or living together].
I used to go over to his house on Saturdays and Sundays, but I’d be really scared. I’d feel like I was going to vomit every-time I was on the way to his house with my mum. My dad was a hard man, and I was a soft kid. He used to say things to me that really upset me, and he was always pressuring me into doing exercise…. He used to always really get angry whenever I wouldn’t talk to him [I didn't know it then, but I believe I was having social anxiety whenever I was around him, it was like something was mentally blocking me from saying anything], and that made me upset, which in turn pissed him off even more.
Living with my mum, sister and brother [different dads] was stressful for me too… My mum and brother were always arguing, morning to night, they were arguing. My brother would swear at my mum, punch holes in the house walls and threaten to kill her. I believe my brother acted this way because he was angry, his father didn’t care about him at all, he never called for birthdays or anything like that, I only have 2 memories of my brother and his father with each other, and to top it all off, he was an alcoholic.
Now my sister was just a baby at the time that all of this was happening, so my mum really had no time for me when she was juggling between a very angry teenager and a newborn baby…..
She considered me the “normal” child, and thought I didn’t need attention because of that.
I remember when I was 12, I had my first real encounter with anxiety. My friends had told me some stuff that scared me, they were all older than me. They told me things about zombies being real and judgement day is going to happen soon…. Needless to say I was absolutely horrified and spent a long period [ I don't remember how long to be exact] crying every night and being scared the world was going to end. I was also scared that my parents were going to die… It was the most horrible feeling ever. There wasn’t a period where I was crying and scared of out my mind… I don’t think my mother really noticed, or had the time to notice. Eventually my fears stopped, I don’t know how, but they just stopped.
Fast forward about 4 years, I was in high school. My behavior was quite bad. I was rude to the teachers and I didn’t care at all about getting educated. This is the period in which my dad asked me to move in with him, and I felt pressured into saying yes, so I did. This is where my life got very difficult. by this time I was 16. He signed me up to a private school halfway through the school year, so I had to catch up on 6 months worth of work [It was a different curriculum]. After a month of being at that school, I couldn’t handle it anymore, so to the disappointment of my dad, I left the private school and enrolled in a public school. The public school was by far better, but the problems at my new home were getting far worse. I was on edge while at home, all the time. I was scared of how my dad was going to be when he got home from work [He owns a few restaurants, so he was stressed out all of the time]. He and his wife would give me intense talks about life which would last sometimes 2 hours….
Sometimes these talks were helpful and positive, but most times they were horrible… I don’t remember what the talks were about, but I definitely felt like emotional abuse was taking place. My dad also said things to me [that he'd later regret] which made me feel like shit.
So after a year of living at this house something weird happened.
I was at school one day, during my morning class. I randomly had a panic attack.
It was the first panic attack I’d ever had, and I was terrified. I went to the nurse and she called an ambulance. At the hospital, they told me it was just anxiety and I should go home and stop worrying. When I got home, I still felt like I was in the panic attack…. I still felt dizzy, spaced out and detached. I stayed home from school for a week, but nope.. I still felt these feelings.
I left school and moved back into my mum.
So 3 years later, here I am.
Living with some friends in an apartment.
I’ve never had a job, and I still feel depersonalization/derealization, in fact, I only just found out that’s what it was a few months ago.
All day I am assaulted with anxious thoughts… It’s driving me crazy.
I walk around all day feeling like I’m not even alive, with terrifying thoughts shooting through my mind.. Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off dead, at least then I wont feel anymore.
Does anyone think that all this anxiety has stemmed from my childhood ?
I believe that If I properly discharge these built up childhood emotions, that I’d be on my way to recovery… the problem is, I don’t know what to do now.
I fee stuck….
I believe I know what has caused me all these years of pain, but now I don’t know how to fix them… I can’t afford a therapist or anything…
I just want get all of my horrible feelings out so I can start living my life…
Thanks to anyone that read this
