I sometimes love myself. Only sometimes. I love myself when people love me, and that’s not often. At 17, it’s crucial that I have good self esteem, but after being put down my whole life, it’s kid of hard.
I always get teased for being “weird”. I’m black, but I like anime and kpop, I speak with proper grammar, and I dress like (as some of you would call them *shudders*) a hipster. I dye my hair often and I like piercings. Black people don’t accept me for acting “white” and no one else accepts me for being different. So, I don’t really fit into the black crowd, which also lowers my self esteem. My family calls me a traitor for “acting white”, even though I didn’t know you could act like a race or a color. This makes me hate myself. They accuse me of wanting to be white, which makes me hurt a lot because I feel like I am a traitor. I don’t want to be considered a traitor because I like being black. I wear my box braids proudly and when they’re not in, I rock my afro.
My problem is: Am I a traitor? I never really date, but I do crush a lot, and most (but not all) aren’t black. This creates a lot of issues. Sometimes, people look at me and assume I fit the black stereotype (which isn’t at all accurate) and they won’t talk to me. Then when they do, they’re all like “Oh wow you don’t act black”. People say “I don’t date black girls” and that makes me hate myself. Or sometimes they just think I’m ugly. I don’t know how to differentiate between the two.
Is this feeling self hatred from my skin color? Or is this just low self esteem? Honestly, I think I’m a pretty girl, but no one else does. Also, is there anyone out there that can relate? Who feels like a traitor to themselves? Who has low self esteem?