Long post..please help though .-.
Honestly, I tried to distract myself but I feel like life is simply pulling me down. This month has been terrible and I dunno, but I feel like there is no point in life. I’m always studying and trying my best to please my family but I feel like no one appreciates me. Its either “your writing sucks”, “why can’t you help your twin out? dont be so selfish”, “you’re not actually depressed, you’re just saying it”, “why don’t you just do well? You always say that this time you will do good but then results are always like this” etc. I’m in the top 3% of my class and I got a 1950 on my SAT. So its like if one thing goes wrong, they ignore all good things and focus on my SAT score. I don’t get it. I try so hard but nothing works. I hate the people at school and I actually only enjoy school because of what I learn. But already I don’t see the point in life. I work hard, try to please others and do all of this crap and die in the end. People will grieve for what? 2 years at most? But time keeps moving, life goes on. What I’m worried about is, already at this age (I’m 16) I feel this way. How will I survive to be older when the problems just keep getting bigger?
I can’t follow my passions or anything because I’m in my senior year of the IBDP and things are getting crazy. Its always school, food, home, study, sleep for me. Other than that, its SAT 2 or university decision waits.
Anytime I make a good friend, they either leave or we somehow stop talking as they find some other person. I always feel used. Like I was good friends with this guy over the summer and we talked everyday. But after school started, we spoke less and less and now I see him hanging out with this other girl (that he used to have a crush on but the girl never cared) almost all the time. Something similar happened last year too.
I just don’t know anymore. Everyone tells me “it’ll get better” but even this has started annoying me. Nothing gets better it seems.
I know I’m luckier than many others who have it worse than I do and I honestly don’t want to sound like a whiny brat but what am I supposed to do? I don’t have anyone that I can honestly talk to, I hate the people at school, my family doesn’t seem to care and is always finding flaws, although I enjoy school, its getting extremely tough and busy and I have a tight feeling in my chest all the time (you know the feeling you got on your chest when you had homework due but you didnt do it? Or on the first day of school?) I’ve had this feeling for weeks now. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I’d really appreciate any suggestions you might have. Thankyou so much for those of you who took the time to read through all this crap. I know long posts can be sucky but I really just needed to write all this down.