So. To start off with, me and my best friend have known each other for about 3 years. I have always believed that she is going to be my bestie until the end of time, but I am no longer as sure.
She is a person who I can fully trust. The time we spend together outside is absolutely lovely and I really enjoy it. We laugh a lot and both get home happy. She can be a really good friend, but the thing is, she can be a good friend only if she wishes to.
I feel obligated to mention that I have had several battles with depression, anxiety and self harm in the past, and I still experience the first two quite often. I am often afraid to ask for help, whether in a supermarket or at school, often feel like I’m going to pass out if I find myself in a crowded place such as a mall or something, I even have times when I want to go back to cutting, but I am staying strong, I believe I will soon get those awful thoughts out of my head, as I have been to a psychologist, talked with a lot of people, had lots of them take care for me. I feel a lot better after all the therapies I have been through.
But my best friend was never there for me. Back at the time when I used to tell her everything, like how bad school made me feel or how my parents have had a terrible fight frightened me, she would just ignore me or say, since her parents are divorced and she is living with her grandmother, “At least you have parents when I don’t.” I feel awfully bad for her situation, and have listened to her a lot, I mean, a lot. She has shared with me a lot. But whenever I try to get the subject to me, like ask her about something for help, she would just say that she is busy/doesn’t have the time.
When my depression started to get bad enough for me to need a psychologist, she told me that she has been noticing some symptoms for depression as well, and that she has taken a test online which showed her that she, indeed, is suffering from that very same illness. At that time, I knew exactly how depression made you feel, and I wanted to try and help her, even though I, myself, needed help. I know depression is a silent killer, and it is very hard to notice that someone is depressed just by looking at them, but given the time I have spent with this person, I failed to notice symptoms of the mental illness she stated she was suffering from. But she still made me do all the talking when we went to the cinema, or to a restaurant. I was literally forced to put away my problems and handle hers, take care for her instead. Even though I found it hard, it still helped me a bit with socializing, and I became more talkative and less awkward. But the method used for that was her forcing me to become more social, or we could never enjoy activities like cinema ever again, because both of us would refuse to buy the tickets. It may sound quite silly, my apologies for taking so much of your guys’ time, but I feel like I should seek some advice on this subject.
This very same friend has also some anger issues, which I have suffered from as well and not once. She believes that “if somebody angers me, I have to get it out on others and not on myself, like you used to cut, right?” which translates to “I will scream and shout at you and let it all out.” like I was to blame for it. I do not want to tolerate this method, as I am no “trash can”, I cannot take it all when she needs to let it out. She also often refers to herself as antisocial, but I can see that she is even more sociable than me, and gets along with classmates/friends a lot easier than me. She talks with a fellow german girl she found online quite a lot, and I sometimes fear that girl may be a better best friend than I am, since they talk probably 24/7.
One day, I couldn’t take it, so I told her. I wrote a long, very long message to her saying that I cannot take this anymore, hoping that she would finally understand and try to see from another point of view, to see how ill and sick she makes me sometimes, because I’m always there to listen but she never is. She think she is but I do not feel that she gives me as much as I give her. I told her, I let my feelings flow and sent her the message. About twenty minutes pass, and I get a notification that she has replied. I hope for the best, something along the lines of “Okay, I understand.”, I even hoped for a single “Sorry!”. All I got was this message, even longer than mine, mentioning all of her struggles and problems.
I need to say, I was expecting that. But I felt like this time, just this time I would be able to get her attention and… hell if I know, I hoped her to say sorry. I did learn how she felt from that message, though. I learned for some struggles of hers that I never knew of, and I blamed myself for never trying to notice them and caring only for myself. And I learned, that you cannot change people, only yourself. And I decided that I should do my best to be a better person, to be more open-minded, to let go. I learned that it is okay to ask for help too, to defend my position, and if I do not feel comfortable in a situation, or a relationship, I should tell and not hold it in. I understood that what I look for in a best friend more that everything else is for them to be able to listen, not only hear me. Someone who would be there for me as much as I am there for them. I can tell you, I have defended my “best” friend many times, but she almost never stood up for me.
You may tell that I have gotten rid of that toxic friend of mine after all of this, but I never did, and I am afraid I never will. We still have a good time when we go out (IF we go out, she often doesn’t want to, it is like she comes to me if she needs me, and I do not exist when she doesn’t) and we laugh a lot. I am afraid that if I let go, she will never say sorry, she will blame it all on me and just leave, and all I’ll get from this is a lot of sadness and loneliness, as she is my closest friend and the only one I feel comfortable with. All of our arguments have ended with me being the one to say sorry and I am just sick of it, I feel like I’m still stuck with depression only because of her (I can blame a few more fellow classmates here, since I have some terrible people at my school which are all, without being sorry for my words, uncultured swines.) But I still feel like she needs me, for helping her through the depression (?) she is starting to suffer from, and I feel worthless at the same time. I just do not know anymore.
I think thats about it. It turned out quite long, my apologies, and a big thank you if you stayed through the whole thing. I suspect almost no one would read this horribly long, filled with negativity novel, but if you did, my question is:
Is it worth it to keep being friends with this person, or should I find the strength to let go? Should I keep going, even though I feel like I am giving much more that I am receiving?
Have a nice day and thank you for letting me share this with you.
- A lonely person
P.S. To be honest, if it wasn’t for her telling me today that “I always talk about myself and never listen,” I wouldn’t had written all of this. It just made me so mad that I could not handle it.