I never really thought of myself as suicidal, I mean, I’m scared to die. I’m scared that after death there’s nothing more. But, I sometimes I can’t stop but think about what it’d be like to commit suicide. I have days when I hate myself and everything around me, I’ve thought about killing myself so many times despite the fact I’m scared to die. When I walk across a bride, I imagine myself jumping off it. When I walk across the road, I sometimes imagine what it’d be like to just stop walking, and just getting hit. Sometimes, when I take a bath I go under and see how long I can last. The feeling of not being able to breathe feels rather… Comfortable. I guess. Am I suicidal? I’ve never talked about this, or wrote anywhere about it. It’s been bottled inside my head, until now.
Well, as you mentioned that it is comfortable, it might grow into a problem later. If you'll keep that in mind for a long time you may start to think that suicide is an option and you'll feel better after it. But truth is, nobody knows what it is like after the suicide.
It is normal to wonder what is behind the death because it's one of the biggest mysteries of humanity.
The idea that you're afraid of death is about physical world. The idea that is it comfortable is about spiritual world. I think you're fine.
It's natural to think about death and what it's like. So no, I don't think you're suicidal. And as for the self hatred, EVERYONE has those days and they just suck. Not much you can do except press on through it. Or there's this.