Suggestions?

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I wonder what goes through my mother’s head sometimes. I’ve been in my room for two weeks with occasional trips outside. I used to be happy when she came home from work because I had someone to talk to but now (this past week) I don’t even care. I feel myself getting depressed but what am I supposed to do? I’m 18, she won’t let me go out with anyone unless she knows them, which I could understand but now she’s not allowing me to date anyone over the age of 20. It hurts me that I’ve waited to be 18 for so long yet I still cannot do what I want to do :( i had a 25 year old boyfriend and he was really nice. she didn’t even take the time to get to know him; she said he was too old. I feel like you should at least give the guy a chance but no, not her. At first she says we (the guy and I)have nothing in common but how do you know that unless you get to know a person??? Now she’s going crazy because some girl (that’s somehow related) went missing and turned up dead. What makes my mom crazy? the girl’s boyfriend was older than her so now she feels that she has another reason to dislike older guys. I feel like if someone is crazy then they’re crazy; age has nothing to do with it. I don’t know what to do anymore

Category: asked May 18, 2013

2 Answers

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Let your mother know, that you are not fond of her acting that way. Try to find a compromise.
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Sounds a bit like you're in a controlling situation with your mom. She makes your decisions for you. My parents used to do this to me too. They think they know what's best and try to enforce that. But what's right for you isn't what's right for her. At some point you're going to have to take a stand and do what you want.

Are you in a position that you have a job and could move out? Have friends you could go to?

The first time I made a big decision on my own, I almost didn't do it cause my parents threatened me about it and told me no. My brother said to me "if you don't do what you want, they're gonna think they can tell you what to do for the rest of your life and you'll do it. They won't ever believe a thing you say". So I did it. And it was great. My dad refused to speak to me for 2 weeks and my mom was pissed as hell. But I don't regret it one bit. It was the first step toward making more and more of my own decisions.

The sad thing is... my brother never managed to get out from under my parents thumb the way I did, even though he knew that taking a stand was the only way to earn freedom, he never took the stand. He just accepted that he was never going to have a life that they didn't choose for him.

If you're not capable of living on your own and you think your mom would throw you out... don't openly challenge her... yet. Just make your own decisions and don't bring it up. Work toward the goal of moving out so that you can still love your mom and do your own thing without her constantly on your every foot step monitoring your decision making. If she asks you a question about something you're doing, evade, go off on another topic or suddenly remember something you need to ask her as if it's so important when it's not. Or pull the dramatic "omg mom, I never knew that you felt you were a bad mother" and hug her and preen about what a good job she did raising you and not to worry, she can trust that she didn't raise no fool and then exit stage left with flare. Come on that one has to make you smirk a little. ;)

If you haven't looked at college, look into it. College can be a great way to get your own space and stretch your legs. Room away from mom to make your own decisions and date who you like. There's dorm rooms available and you don't have to have her permission to live in a dorm. And maybe you can find roommates to rent an apartment with to make it cheaper if you want to go that way. I've always found that if I write down a set of goals, I'm more likely to accomplish them. Your top priorities should probably be school, somewhere else to live, job to pay for what you want. Once you have those things, you'll find a world of possibilities open up to you.

After that if you want to talk to her about your life over the phone, cool. No need to mention who you're dating though. And if she asks if you're seeing somebody go "there's nobody serious in my life right now but my textbooks". It's true enough when you're just dating someone. Hell, I've lied about not being involved with anyone all the way up until we moved in together and then went "oh hey by the way, I'm moving to another state to start a new life with my fiancee, love ya, call ya when we're settled". Is it rude? Yeah. But it's also rude to try to live my life for me. Not recommending you run away to another state. Just saying instead of getting depressed, start researching, start applying for jobs, checking out colleges, looking at your options and taking proactive steps to take your life back. I wish you the best, be careful out there but do make your own decisions. If you ever need to talk, hit up my inbox.