Strange suicide impulses against my will, something controls my body?
I’m a 19 years old male and I’ve already asked some questions here. And yet I’m writing again, as something quite strange started to happen lately. I cannot visit my psychiatrist soon and I hoped I could get help here. Since some time I have those quite strange… urges, like if someone is controlling my body. But I don’t feel any presence. It’s like… Someone got in control of my mind and body for a moment. I have a little blackout for 1-2 seconds, then I regain my senses. I have those suicidal urges, yet I’m not suicidal at all. Once I wanted to take my pocket knife to put it in its case and hide it. Before, I withdrew one of the blades just to look at it, and… then it happened, I rotated my arm and moved the knife close to my wrist, like it was ready to cut the veins. Then I regained my senses and was a bit shocked about what I wanted to do. I would probably forget about it, but it happened again. I was on the balcony this time and my mind… or the thing controlling it was furiously telling me to go on the barrier and jump, I looked down and held my breath in fear as I felt that I have no control over my body anymore, that I… my body, could do that every next second. I’ve written once that I feel my hands moving on their own as they’re controlled, but… it seems to be my entire body instead? I’m quite scared, I… I’d just like to know if it’s something normal for a schizophrenic person? I’m trying so much to tell myself it’s all in my head, but I just can’t believe it, I think I never will. Everything is too real, yet… It would really calm me down if it’s something connected with schizophrenia and not something… worse…… outside “my head”…
It definitely sounds schizophrenia-related, but for your safety I would either dispose of any personal knives/fire arms or have somebody hang on to them for the time being. Suicide and self harm should NEVER be an option, even if you have moments where you feel as though you can't control the impulse. It is very good you caught yourself and said "Hey, what am I doing?" and even better you sought help. Until you can see your psychiatrist again, the safest thing for you to do is to isolate yourself from any physical objects that can cause you harm. Be sure to tell your doctor about these moments as well! The only way to solve problems is to actively pursue the solution! I wish you luck and I try to check on here daily so I'll be here if you need someone to talk to! :)
Thank you so much. It actually makes me feel much calmer that it's not possession. If it was, I probably wouldn't be able to control my body ever again. I have a chance to control it if it's not. I will try not to use any sharp objects, I wish my girlfriend was here and could tie my hands and let me stay home for some time watching over me, as I can't trust my body anymore. I don't want to die. I fought for so many years, I can't die now.
Hello, V. First and foremost, I need to make this clear: possession is not real. There are not intelligent, malevolent, invisible forces that meander about capable of usurping control of your body away from you. That is the good news.
The bad news is that your impulse-control issues do seem at first blush to be schizoid-related. You need to develop methods and mental reinforcements by which you keep your mind rooted in reality. Know that the supernatural does not exist, the only thing going on in your mind are the processes of your brain, and unfortunately some of us are born with brain disorders that must be aided by medication and professional care. This could potentially be the case for you. That is to be determined by a mental health professional.
If you need to discuss this further and in private, my inbox is always open at blahtherapy.com/members/blackholehead.