Starting the Rest of My Life

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My grandparents are who I currently live with. They don’t really like my mom’s husband and they view my mom as a disappointment and annoyance. I lived with my grandparents and mother together until age 5, when my mom and I moved an hour away. I still went to see my grandparents every weekend. My mom didn’t date anyone until I was out of high school. Straight out of high school, I went to community college and got my associates degree. I’ve suffered from major depression since I was around 14, and I was put on birth control (Yaz) for hormone imbalance. I’ve been medicated with what seems like an endless amount of anti-depressants ever since then. While I was in community college getting my associates degree, I was in a very dark time and no anti-depressant seemed to be working, until I was put on Wellbutrin. I finally began to feel like I wanted to live again. Unfortunately, it seemed to plateau after I was on the dosage of 150 mg for about a half year. The doctors increased the dosage to 300 mg. I felt better again, and then went through the same plateau. They increased the dosage again to 450 mg, almost unheard of with this specific medicine. I graduated from community college shortly after was doing exceptionally well with my depression. I decided I wanted to go to school for art, which is all I knew I enjoyed doing. I was living away from home in an apartment by myself and I began to actually make friends and become social (something I’ve never been able to do before.) I was in a film developing class in the dark room when I randomly had a grand mal seizure and was rushed to the emergency room. They blamed it on a UTI I didn’t know that I had and said that “any infection could cause a seizure.” I was sent home with antibiotics and told that “it was probably a one time thing.” It wasn’t, of course. Twenty days later I had another (slightly shorter) grand mal while I was with two friends who took me to the hospital. At that point, the university basically told me I should leave. I saw a neurologist who told me that I had to have someone with me 24/7 from then on, since I could have one at any time. I also lost my drivers license. My mom and stepfather both work so I wouldn’t be able to have them there all of the time, so I had to move in with my grandparents. That was about a year ago and I’ve been in and out of doctors offices and have been in the hospital in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit also. I became so depressed about the things that were happening that I stayed in my room every day. I felt horribly tired, sad and ached all over. Since I can’t drive I can’t leave the house without getting my grandparents to take me places. I have two good friends and one works every day and the other won’t come get me when she isn’t working because she’s so wrapped up in her boyfriend (who is a horrible person.) I go to my mom and stepfathers house, but when I even mention it, my grandparents roll their eyes and act as though I’m a horrible person for wanting to spend time with my own mother, who I’ve always been close to. I recently got so fed up with the horrible side effects of my medicines that I decided I wanted to get off of them. I want so badly to experience life without these horrible side effects (hallucinations, numbness, extreme sadness, memory loss, chills, fatigue and many more.) I asked various doctors to help me, and was told again and again that I shouldn’t. I decided to wean myself off. Ive gone from 450 mg of Wellbutrin to 150 mg, and am scheduled to stop completely tomorrow. I stopped my Luvox completely about a month ago because I forgot doses and knew it wouldn’t be too horrible if I stopped. It was also a low dosage. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I finally have emotions and want to talk to people. I am still unable to leave the house unless I get someone to take me somewhere. Its depressing and frustrating. I’ve never had a job because I’ve always been in school full time and my family has always said that they’d rather I focus completely on school so I’ve always been dependent on them financially. I think that they want it that way.They know that if I wanted to I wouldnt be able to just do anything I wanted to. I want to get a job now because I’m feeling so trapped here. All that I want is to be able to do things instead of live this dreary, sad life where I can’t go to the grocery store or just out for a drive if I wanted to. Without a license I can’t drive to work so now I just take classes online. I’m stuck now and I want to be able to be independent because I feel guilty every day. My grandparents, though they mean well, are very controlling and I can’t do anything to gain any independence now. I can’t think of any way to get out of this. I have to be seizure-free for 6 months to get my license back. I had the last one before I weaned off of my medicine (which is known to cause seizures.) I don’t know how to begin to help myself in this situation, but I know that to be healthy I need to, somehow. My grandparents have even said recently that they think I should not move near school campus when I can drive again and should stay with them. I love them so much and am grateful, but I have to do something to help myself.

Category: Tags: asked June 27, 2015

1 Answer

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with help of others, it is possible to establish independence and happiness while free of depression. Keep your mind thinking all the positive it can, and make babysteps with doctors and family members in the right direction to a healthy recovery and a better lifestyle. YOU CAN DO IT! :)


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