Some memories have resurfaced

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Lately some of my more than usual unpleasant memories have resurfaced from a long time ago. Any one involved no longer remembers them because they have moved onto happier periods of their lives, but I can’t. It’s hard to when these things change someone’s mentality and ruin the rest of their childhood. I’m hoping that by the time you finish reading this post, you can provide some insight on what I can do to move on.

This started back the last time I visited some family during the summer. Generally everyone treated me well, but I was especially fond of my aunt and uncle (who was my mother’s brother). My aunt spent a lot of time caring for me whenever everyone else was too busy to deal with some little kid. She played video games with me, stayed up late with me, and became my confidante. However, my brother didn’t like her too much because he thought she was a “bad influence.” I didn’t care though. She accepted me for who I was and I did the exact same. In the end though, I played a role in a series of events which led to the divorce of my uncle and aunt.

My uncle often took me to go to a water park during the afternoon because he knew how much I loved swimming. This had been our way of bonding because he indulged my eccentric ways of playing games. One day though, he invited a lady to join us on our trip. The best way to describe her was that she had been everything my aunt wasn’t: skinny, gorgeous, and not a weird person. I didn’t care much for it though. She was fun to be around and well, she was interesting. Toward the end of the day as he was driving the lady home, my mom called. She asked how the water park was and being a child, I mentioned the lady. The lady immediately told me that I shouldn’t tell my mom because then we wouldn’t be able to have fun anymore. So, I did what any little child would do in order to keep having fun: I lied to my mom. I said I was just kidding and that was that. After that, she accompanied us on every water park trip my uncle and I went on.

If only I was old enough to understand the implications of everything. There had been this one time where I was playing around with my uncle’s phone because he had this game where you can care for a cat on his flip phone (you know, when it used to be a thing). I was a bit tech savvy when it came to his phone, so I went to his photo album to see what kind of pictures he had. I really did wish I knew more at that age. In his album, he had pictures of the lady. If only they were just normal pictures. The pictures consisted of the lady in her underwear posing in suggestive manners. During one of our trips, I mentioned to the lady that he had those pictures of her, but she just laughed it off and called me silly. But I knew what I saw. My uncle had been cheating on my aunt and I was his alibi.

Fast forward a little later, I had gone on a small tour with my mother so I didn’t know what exactly happened. By the time I returned, my aunt was no longer living at the family house. I remember walking into their room and seeing her favorite pillow have lipstick stains of her favorite color with mascara all over it as well. I guess I was too young at the time because everyone told me that she decided to live with her sister. With her being my favorite aunt, I demanded that my uncle take me to visit her. He wasn’t very reluctant and took me. I stayed at her sister’s house for the entire day, but I never saw her. It was getting late, so my uncle took me home. I…I never saw her again. I don’t remember how she sounds or her nickname. She’s slowly fading from my memory, but I can recall her looks so well. The way she cared for me. The way she got so worried when I nearly broke my arm from falling onto it. The way she didn’t comment about my weight. I never saw her again. I never got to say goodbye.

I wish that was the end of it. I wish that was THE LAST HORRIBLE THING that happened that summer. Later that summer, my mom decided for the entire household to visit some family that lived far away. We spent about a week there, and it had been a miserable week. On the first day we came, everyone sat around a gigantic table for dinner and ate. I went for seconds, but who knew this action of mind ended up ruining my self-esteem for maybe the rest of my life. As I filled my plate with seconds, one of my “cool kid” cousins had said,”Why would you get more food? You’re going to get more fatter than you already are!” I remember the scene too vividly. I dropped my plate as soon as he finished his last word and ran upstairs into the bedroom I was assigned to sleep in, went into the corner farthest from the door, and cried. My mom had come up and told me to return to dinner because “he didn’t mean it”. I felt like she was disappointed in me, so I followed her back down. As soon as I sat down, one of my aunts said, “Your cousin is right. You’re really fat so you should go on a diet.” It was probably the fastest I ever ran up stairs. I automatically went into my corner and wept some more. At this point, I was disappointed in myself for disgracing my mom like that, so I gathered up all of the broken pieces of my confidence and went downstairs. I regretted it so bad. I don’t remember who, but I’ll always remember these words,”She’s so fat that she can pass off as a pig at a farm!” Well, third time had been the charm because I slowly went back upstairs, into my corner, and cried–I kept on crying. It didn’t matter that I had gotten a headache or that I could barely breathe with all of my obnoxious sobbing–any confidence I had left in my body disappeared into the air like a helium balloon that was accidentally released by a little kid. I didn’t eat for two days. I was so hungry, but I was afraid to face all those people again. I was afraid of hearing how fat I was. I was afraid of the very people I thought I could trust. Even when my aunt finally got me to come down and eat when everyone went out to do something, I ran as soon as I heard a car door close–even if I barely touched the food she made me. I never really did recover from this.

With everything that happened during that one summer, things progressively got worse. That summer of fourth grade going to fifth had been my last visit to that extended family. Fifth grade had probably been my “rebellious year.” I hated my teacher and she didn’t like me very much either. When I had gotten into a fight with a boy who was making fun of my name, she didn’t bother hearing my side of the story. All she cared was that I started pulling his ear first. She didn’t care that he pulled my hair much harder than I did with his ear–she definitely didn’t care that he kept on pulling my hair even after I had let go from the pain. Fifth grade had been the only year where I skipped more than one day of school and it was definitely not because I was sick. Usually when a child goes to sixth grade, things might get better. It didn’t. People that I thought were my friends called me a hippo. I was a hippo in their eyes. Every time I see or hear the word hippo, I’m just reminded of how people probably thought of me.

When I went to seventh grade, people were nicer. I wasn’t a hippo and I was regarded to be extremely smart. Eventually though, I started comparing myself with others. I still was chubby and everyone around was skinny. Although I was a social chameleon, I never did find a group that I truly belonged to. Even now in high school, I’m unsure of where I belong. I feel welcomed, but not necessarily like I belong. People forget me, but I don’t forget them…

It is strange. I feel depressed, but I seem so happy sometimes. I feel horrible about myself, but someone called me pretty today. I can’t tell which side is truly myself. Overall, I’m…I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll always be seen as that hippo who doesn’t leave an impression. I’m scared that regardless of what I do, I’ll never find out what I want to do with my life. I’m scared to be forgotten and feeling such low self-esteem. Hah, at this point I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

Please, if you had taken the time to read this…please tell me what I can do to get myself out of this rut I’ve subjected myself to.

Category: Tags: asked August 16, 2013

2 Answers

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You just need some inspiration! You never did anything wrong. You are you and never change for anyone. If you find that you want to change then only you can put your mind to it. If you have self esteem issues try to maybe look at what u want to change and try to change it. Everyone has a purpose in life and you just have to find out what yours is. Once you find something that you love doing stick to it because that is what will make you truly happy. Find people that will make you happy to be around. Yes that might be hard at first to do all of this, but no one ever said life was easy. Everyone has their ups and downs. Just remember try to think positive!!!!
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remember there are kids in africa dying everyday.. just joking. keep those memories, remember them at night. Don't ever forget them because they make who you are, but don't let those memories affect who you should be, who you are going to be, today, tomorrow, make them another drop in the fuel tank of dreams