Should I tell him how I feel or let him move on?

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For the sake of anonymity we’ll call this guy “Dave”

Dave and I have been friends for a while. Over a year ago, in a romantic, yet totally loony way, he told me he had feelings for me. Initially, I (gently) refused him. I was confused about my own feelings at the time and knew my friends would not approve of him (for reasons I could understand). However, we remained good friends like nothing had changed. About six months later I realized I was attracted to him and hinted at it to him. We started acting differently around each other (flirting more, etc.). Suddenly I just got kind of scared about the whole thing (still sort of confused, friends still wouldn’t approve, and all around bad timing) and basically stopped talking to him completely. The end of the semester came, we both went home for the summer and he studied abroad in China for the fall semester. I hadn’t talked to him in months, but realized I really missed him (and felt incredibly awful for the way I treated him). He messaged me out of the blue one day while he was still abroad and that’s how we began communicating again.

So, fast forward about three months to today. Now I’M the one studying abroad and he’s back in the States. I’ve realized I really do care for him and I shouldn’t let others’ opinions control my happiness. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met and I’ve been a fool to be so blind to that until now. We get along so great and during our past emotional talks he would tell me I would’ve been “so perfect for him.” He’s shared secrets with me that no one else knows and I feel a deep connection to him. I could really see myself falling in love with him if given the chance.

Now here’s the conflict: He’s always been alone and had to look out for himself. He told me today he’s thinking about enlisting in the army. I really want to tell him how I feel in case he’s doing this just to find a path in life. If he still cares for me, I really feel like we could build a life together…but should I let him move on? A few weeks ago I got the nerve to tell him I’d had feelings for him back when we had started flirting (but not enough courage to tell him I STILL do) and that I was sorry for the way I had treated him. It’s been nearly a year since we’ve seen each other (and I won’t see him for another three months at least), and I don’t want to drag him back through all this if he’s ready to put it behind him.

Thank you so much for listening to me and I’d be so grateful for any advice you can give.

EDIT: Thank you so much for the advice everyone!! I think I’m going to tell him, but I’m not going to rush into anything. Wish me luck!!

Category: Tags: asked February 3, 2014

3 Answers

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All I can say is that if your feelings are moving closer to Love , then dont let him go away. But you must be sure that you wont run away from it all. Me and my girlfriend have been together almost a year now and i kept on fighting, never letting her go and now she has finally accepted how i feel for her, and she wants to marry me. So if you truly feel that he can be someone you will love forever, and if you know you see a future with him tell him now and work things out.
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I think you should definitely tell him how you feel. It's better to know for sure than to not know. :)
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As a former US Army Specialist, let me comment. There is a phenomenon in the military. Couples get scared and end up rushing their relationship before one of them enlists. Being an army spouse is NOT EASY. Do not make the mistake of rushing into a relationship because you're scared; scared of losing each other or scared of anything in general. Fear is no good basis for starting a relationship before you would have otherwise been ready.

Being an army spouse can be so hard on a relationship that there are support groups for helping Army families cope. Go to the nearest recruitment center and get some information on your burgeoning situation. After you've given yourself due time to get familiar with the kind of situation you might be facing, THEN make your decision, but I reiterate, DO NOT GO INTO THAT RELATIONSHIP MOTIVATED BY FEAR. There is no worse foundation for a relationship, and it is setting yourself up for failure.

As it stands, wait until your obstacles are out of the way, then take time to spend dedicated time together. Don't start a relationship just on near-misses and "what if"s.