My family’s fallen into another rough patch. We are being kicked out of house in a couple of weeks if mum can’t find anymore money, we keep getting bills that we can’t pay, mum is having a baby in 4 weeks that’s not even from my step-dad. My sister has fallen into drugs (the very same we grew up around) and I drink occasional (she’s 16 and I’m 15) and my granddad and my step-dad are going to die soon. I’m not talking to my sister anymore because of an argument and recently we found out she was cutting.
I finally convinced myself that I was sick and I needed to stay home and when I woke up my mum said she wanted to talk to me. I got up and walked over to her and she started crying. It had been at least 4 years since I’ve seen my mother cry and she was bawling, I then cuddle her and asked her what’s wrong and she said she saw cut marks on my sisters arm.
I wanted to cry but I didn’t for the sake of my mum, so I stayed quite and let her cry into my shoulder. I didn’t know how to react because I was actually going to confess to my mum that day that I had almost killed myself (purposely) and I had been self harming for a while.
I have been self harming for a few years now and the only reason my mother hasn’t found out is because I usually cut my legs (I usually wear long pants), scratch my body and try to peel of my skin, burn my skin with a lighter or I run boiling water down my body in the shower. This has being going on for a few years now to the point where it feels natural.
Of course I blamed myself for what’s happened and I know my mum blamed me for what’s happened with my sis too cause she kept saying to me a few days before that she’s getting depressed because I’m not talking to her and every time she did I would go cry I’m my room. After my mum finished crying she said she wasn’t as strong as I am. Which hurt. I promised I would talk to her when she came home and I was going to but she came home 3-4 hours late stoned.
I was so fucking angry I didn’t even look at her. I’m not sure if I even should talk to her anymore. I don’t want to talk to my mum about my problems because I feel selfish about it and that she would blame herself for my problems and become isolated and depressed. I don’t think I’ve told anyone about my problems to anyone that isn’t on this website so I’m not sure what to do.
And to be honest its kind of embarrassing. I’m not sure what I should do anymore, I feel selfish ending my life because I know it would break my mothers heart and I feel bad for confessing my problems because it would weigh and worry her to much. And I just want to cry all the time.
I’m so lost as to what to do and I just think I’m self loathing or pitiful or selfish or disgusting for worrying her with such things.
And I just really need some answers as to what I should do. Any help would be appreciated.
