Should I break up with my fiance?


My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We own a house together and live together. But six months ago, I began having doubts about our long-term compatibility.

I love discussing big issues: religion and politics. He can’t stand it.

I’m deeply spiritual; he’s firmly agnostic.

I crave affection; he doesn’t.

Recently, the physical intimacy has completely ended. We never touch. Ever. He’s even mentioned twice that he’s no longer attracted to me, but he’s attracted to other people.

He talks about marriage and stability and material comfort, but I wonder if he wants those things generally (with anyone), not necessarily with me specifically. More and more, I feel like we’ve become roommates or friends, instead of a couple.

Breaking up would be messy. He’s a great guy; we share the same friends; our lives are so intertwined.

I don’t want to mess up my life, but I’m so unhappy. Why isn’t he? Is this the life he wants? Is this normal?

Category: Tags: asked December 3, 2014

5 Answers

I do not believe you have to share the same views on politics or religion to be a happy couple. You can consider these as your passions or hobbies where he does not need to be involved. Consider joining a group if you wish to discuss these topics. "He’s even mentioned twice that he’s no longer attracted to me, but he’s attracted to other people" This statement if said as a fact is enough to end any relationship. Of course you cannot take it out of context but it would be hard to take any other way. If you are not happy then you need to figure out what you want to do it does not matter why he does not seem to be unhappy. I would suggest having a serious talk with him. Do not put blame and do not make demands and do not threaten. If he is serious enough he will listen but sometimes with people you have to really help them to listen. Being together for six years does make it difficult for change but if you have to for your own benefit and you are able to then you should. If and only if you are sure you do not wish to be in a relationship. I have been married for ten years and there is not a day that goes by where I think what the heck am I doing ha ha ....But I know what I want and we both want this marriage to be forever. Do you and does he that is the question.........
The differences between you and him can be ok, you will just do that with other people, but you can ask him to do the effort of showing you affection even if he doesn't need it. But, "He’s even mentioned twice that he’s no longer attracted to me" this doesn't sound at all like a good sign, along with "the physical intimacy has completely ended". It's not normal, and you should talk about it, about what you can do to change things, about what kind of marriage he thinks about when you two don't have sex.
Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down and discuss what you both want from the relationship and if he wants to marry you. If he still isn't attracted then it would be a good idea to break it off. And with the whole friend thing? You could find a new hobby and make friends that way.
I have recently ended a relationship which deteriorated along almost exactly the same lines. The breakup was messy. It did make me cry and have doubts, and lose friends who had been 'his' friends all along. But I never regretted this decision once the hard part was over. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved properly, to receive affection, to be touched. If he doesn't give you these things, especially if he's aware you need them - he doesn't deserve you. It can be so much better. Even being single is better that staying in this kind of relationship - at least that's what I learned from my experience. Don't fight for a relationship - fight for your happiness.
I think if you have to ask even before you get married you already know the answer