Should an argument involve 3rd Parties?


My mom married my stepfather when I was in my mid twenties, Since then it has been as ongoing issue with him crossing boundaries. I’ve had many discussions with him and her about it, and he told me that if he was doing it, it was not intentional, and to let him know when it’s happening or he won’t know. I agreed that this was reasonable.
Recently for my moms 50th birthday, I collected a bunch of pictures that represented various milestones in her life. I was very cautious to chose tasteful pictures. I posted them on Facebook with a loving birthday message, and she got really upset about it. Instead of phoning me and telling me she was upset, she had my stepdad start harassing my husband at work about it. And then sending me threatening messages. I told him that he was crossing a boundary by #1 getting involved in the first place, and #2 getting my husband involved. Since then, my mom has also had my Aunt sending me rude and nasty messages about it too.
Am I crazy to expect that my mom ask my stepdad and aunt to butt out? I feel like this could have been resolved with 2 people and a five min phone call. She thinks it takes 50 texts, FB messages and 5 people. Her justification is that her husband and sister are “defending her”. From me? really? is this necessary? Should she not have tried to resolve this with me (her pregnant daughter) first?

Category: Tags: asked May 10, 2014

6 Answers

Now I'm not really one to comment on these types of things but I kinda of went through something similar.I'm not a fan of any 3rd party getting involved in any argument. Your aunt and step dad "defending" your mom makes it sound like you were attacking your mom. I don't think posting some pictures would count as that.In this case it seems like you and your mom need a sit down with each other without any one else. I can understand sometimes how pictures on Facebook might be upsetting but it really seems like you were just trying to do a nice gesture for your mom. It seems like something very simple has turned into something big and unnecessary.The fact that you're pregnant is a huge deal here too. I'm not saying they should just concede to you because you are pregnant but you would think that they might not want to cause any incessant stress. I hope that the stress caused by the situation isn't getting to you. I hope you are well. I am sure when they have time to really think through their actions they will see they have done you wrong and this good have handled very differently.God bless!
I don't get what the big deal is about the birthday was a really nice idea! You meant no harm and it doesn't make sense why she would be upset.That aside, I think it is between your mom and you and that everyone else should stay out of it. Just go talk to her in person and tell her your side and how you feel, while at the same time listen to her and she what she has to say and why she is upset. I don't know if you can expect your mom to ask your other family members to stay out of it...but I think it is reasonable to talk to your mom face to face to see what she has to say. Plus, I don't understand why they are defending didn't do anything wrong....I am having a hard time understand why they would be upset.
This sounds more like harassment than an argument.
Your mom is obviously being very immature about the whole situation. It is perfectly reasonable to expect that she would directly speak to you about something that bothered her (something that sounded like a lovely thing for you to do, by the way. My mother would be stunned speechless if my siblings or I ever did anything that thoughtful for her). The situation has nothing to do with other people, and your mom needs to grow up. Unfortunately, parents are just people, and can be immature just as often as their kids can.
Your mother certainly approached this the wrong way. She should have gone to you directly from the beginning, rather than involving other family members. It was especially rude of her considering you'd already had a discussion regarding boundaries. Any conflict that involves third parties becomes unnecessarily complex. You are absolutely not crazy for wanting your mother to remove your stepfather and aunt from the situation. I think that is exactly what she should do. Hopefully, she will tell them to back off so you and her can resolve things one-on-one. You and your husband shouldn't have to put up with what your stepfather and aunt have been doing.
Unfortunately she lives too far away to pop by for a face to face, and she will not answer her phone, and only sends me the odd text, telling me how much she backs up and supports my stepdad, and aunts right to get involved because they are defending her.