Sexual Frusteration and my Girlfriend


I’ve had a long and confusing history with this one girl, and it is too much to explain at once, but lets just say that we were basically in a reltioanhip, but never official. She had plenty of it in the past with her ex, and coudn’t shut up about how great it was. We never had it nor have I ever because I was raised in a house that shamed it and never talked about it, so I had no instincts of anything sexual, and also she was never attracted to me that way anyway. Fast forward to now, she put me through hell and has spent two months trying to get me back, and now we are officially dating. She expressed that she realized she never has really nejoyed sex because she felt pressured into it, and that she doesn’t care or actively desire it anymore. It is annoying because she has alwasy treated me like an asexual, and when she has sexted or sent nudes in the past, she always crticized my reactions for being “fake” and always called me an asexual. She even reaealed that she hates making out and always wants to push peoples faces away unless it “leads to sexy time”. She openly presented herself as a demi sexi, yet the other day when I asked if she was bi, she said “no, i love dick too much”. Now we are dating. She never sexually flirts with me, implies anything in the slightest, or is sexually playful, yet day after day there is an onslaught of nudes. I’m well into college now and have extreme sexual frusteration and tension. I don’t want to ask her to do it because I don’t want her to feel like I am forcing her, and I only desire sex if it is emotion based. I want her to be that way with me because she wants to, I don’t want to force her, because if she was doing it to shut me up, then I wouldn’t want it at all. i really love her and want to spend as much time as possible with her, but this is really bothering me. Whenever I flirt sexually with her, she never really responds to it, but just sends a hot picture instead. This is frustrating to me and I don’t know what to do
My sexuality is weird in that I don’t want it so much for the physical part, but “love making” rather than sex if that makes sense. If she said she was ok with it, I really wouldn’t want it because she wouldn’t want it. She went on when she was trying to get me back as to how people have only seen her as beautiful face and body, and that she thought her only purpose was doing those things for a while. I wouldn’t want to have her feel like history is repeating itself, but I want her to want me that way. Even just a few seconds ago I got pictures of her in the shower, but if I try to flirt with her at all, she usually perceives it as a joke. I have no sexual instincts at all, and it is so hard for me because I can’t shake the “lessons” of sex in which my parents made it seem like all women hate it and that they really don’t want it. I of course know this to be false, but it was also detrimental because i’ve always been this form of a demisexual. I know logically that what I learnt as a child is not true, but I can’t shake that mindset. I really want a phycisal relationship with her as well though because I’ve never had that before in my life, and I want to expereince that level of passion. I don’t care about the stimulation, I care about the passion. A contracition is that I have read many books on attraction and phsycolgy. I have easily gotten any girl to that point in the past, but I hated doing it because it was not me, and it was so exhausting. Once i got them to that point, i never proceeded because it wasn’t what I wanted. But at the same time I feel like if I became a “Sexual pro” lol, I’m scared it wouldn’t matter
We spent a year in a pseudo relationship. It was always cuddling and kissing, but never anything. I express it different ways all the time about how attractive I find her and how desirable she is, but her response is always something as simple as “thank you”. I’ve been with her a lot, and the most we do is cuddle and kiss hello and goodbye. Actually that is a lie, i give her butt massages, and that is as far as that goes. Its not like she lets that turn into anything because after that she always shifts it to cuddling after like 5 minutes, and it is always spooning. I doubt she’ll ever initiate anything. I really don’t want to because I have no idea what I am doing and possess no sexual instincts whatsoever. Her cuddling is either her taking a nap while we spoon, or her laying her head on my chest. Even when i’m at her house for several hours, there is not even the slightest sense of sexual playfulness. Its so frusterating to me, and there is such an amazing amount of tension in me. Whenever I try to be sexually playful, she never takes it seriously and the subject changes to else momentarily. Its so annoying. And then it always rings in my head about her saying that she doesn’t care about sex and doesn’t look for it or desire it anymore. Yet yesterday she told me she still masturbates every day and the fact the I get so many pictures makes it so difficult to understand.
I really need help and advice. I love her with all my heart and I am never happier than when I am with her, but at the same time this sexual tension is killing me, and I don’t know what to do.

Category: Tags: asked September 3, 2015

2 Answers

Just tell her what you want from this relationship, and ask her what she thinks. The whole 'I won't ask' is a cop out that just complicates things, you have to work on expressing what you feel and want, silently sulking in frustration won't get you anywhere good, and if you think you have too many problems to do it, it's your responsibility to seek help from a group or a therapist so you can work on them, it can't be always "she does this", "my parents did that". Check out the definition of Demisexual.
Maybe try talking to her about it? You could ask that if she doesn't want sex, that she not lead you on with nudes, maybe iterate a little more clearly that you aren't asexual and that her apparent advances to indeed affect you. If she doesn't want sex, that's fine but she shouldn't make you sexually frustrated.