Okay we’ll first off I have a daughter with my not yet husband jake. She is about to turn 1, he and I just celebrated our second anniversary. We live in a house with our daughter and my not yet brother-in-law and our
Friend Sam. The three of us all went to high school together were all 21 or close too. We all met around the same time. I love jake, but I honestly don’t know that I’m in love with him anymore. I used to be, madly and deeply in love with him, but there are so many factors to my confusion.
First off the passion is seeping away, slowly but there isn’t much left at all anymore. He doesn’t make me smile as much nor do I him and we argue all the time. I know the first year of a baby is the hardest, but it seems like so much more than that. We don’t seem to enjoy each others company any more. He doesn’t admit to it of course, he says I am his world and he would be lost without me, but he doesn’t really show it. Wheni try to be reasonable and adult about our relationship problems he acts as if I’m crazy. I can’t tell what’s going on with him lately, so I don have this guilt bubbling inside me.
Guilt because I am 100% positive that I am in love with Sam. I still love jake to some degree and am whole heatedly ready to try and work things out for the sake of our baby girl, but I love Sam more. There is a passion between us, and don’t think I’m a cheater because I am not and neither is he. Jake is his best friend and I know he would never try to intentionally hurt jake. But he also can’t stand to see me hurting, he is my very best friend in the whole world and I am also his best friend too. He watched me hurt over jake and jake hurt me over and over again and he has was expressed how sick of it he is because sometimes jake treats me like crap when we fight and I spend most days feeling worse the the dirt under someone’s shoe. But jake has never hit me and he is a wonderful dad. And I would never want to hurt him either. But the heart wants what the heart wants I guess.
Sam has told me he feels the same but also that it just can’t be… So I also realize the childishness of my dreaming, but he is all I can think about most of the time, he is fantastic, he is brilliant loyal mad crazy spontaneous yet as calm as a stream and as furocious at a wildfire. He makes me laugh and he actually laughs at me and he has always taken care of me and is there when I need him him It’s, which is usually when jake doesn’t have time for me. He balances me and he makes me question myself and life and the universe and ask all the questions I would never be brave enough to ask for on my own, he has helped me grow a backbone and made me into a stronger person and I have been there for him just as much, he has cried on my shoulder and I have cried on his equally. I feel as if wee are soul mates and even if we can never actually be together just having him in my life as a friend and being able to see him and laugh with him and have a reason to smile with him everyday is enough for me because I understand that sometimes in this life you can have what you want, because even thought Sam loves my daughter and treats her like a princess he isn’t her father and her father deserves the right to be there for her, and she deserves the right for him to be their for her and what’s best for me isn’t what best for her so I have to be a grow. Up and make the right dessision…
I don’t really know what I need help with exactly I just hate the feeling of settling.
