I’m sorry if this may be a bit much, but I’m not really the best communicator. Nonetheless, if it’s not too much to ask for help, it would be greatly appreciated. As the title says, I feel like I set myself up for failure. Lately, I can’t help feeling revulsion towards my hobbies, which would be reading, writing, and art. I don’t feel like I’m the best with the latter, but it used to bring me joy. All my old hobbies used to bring me joy. Yet, now I can’t help feeling like I can’t do them anymore…
I think with the art it started when I was comparing myself to others; moreover, my teacher made comments that it was “klitchy, which was not art.” I was hurt. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, and I’ve been told so many times not to do so. But, I can’t help feeling that it is true. I would have rare moments in which I could do something decent. But, I was always doubting, always feeling frustrated by not being able to meet my own expectations. With the teacher’s comment it furthered the tension. Mainly because I didn’t understand what makes it klitchy. If I had more concrete critic I probably wouldn’t have been so remorseful. For instance, if someone said the shading for a person in the foreground should be lighter based off of the position of the sun, I would know what to do… Within all honesty I went back for clearer advice which I was given. But, when I hear things like it’s klitchy without specific points as to why that is so, I can’t help shutting down. I’m so doubtful, that I am afraid of entering a poster contest. I really want to do it, because I found this nice art period, Art Nouveau that I want to try using as a reference for my design. But, I’m afraid of doing it because I keep hearing in my own mind the same failed expectations I held, or my teachers voice “it’s Klitchy… it’s klitchy… it’s klitchy.” Then it’s like what about the people who really care about this? I have always disliked seeing people “half-ass” things, and I don’t wish to be like that. I’m sorry for my language right now, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to do something half-heartedly, because that will reflect in my work… again, I’m so sorry if this is long winded, I’m just really tired of doubting. I apologize if this is offensive in anyway as well.
Nevertheless, the same could be said for writing, and reading. Recently, I tried forcing myself to write, because I don’t have the same issues as the art. That being comparing. But, I have trouble with it because it’s showing in my words that I’m not all there. The more I force it the more terrible, my verses and lines become. I feel like I’m illiterate. So, I relied on reading and music. I thought those would help me find a feeling to latch onto; I could find something I want to explore. But, as soon as I pick up a pen it vanishes, or the book isn’t good enough. It’s like I’m losing something. I feel like the things I like, are becoming my tormentors. There’s so much anxiety to do well. Or there is so much anxiety to try feeling something. But, most times, when I do pick up a brush or pen I freeze up. I hear myself saying in my head “it’s not good enough, this isn’t sincere, why are you not doing well enough, others are trying their hearts out and all you are doing is nothing, or feel something, even if it’s pain just feel something.” It’s all so frustrating.
Again, I apologize for being long winded. I just feel better writing things out, ironically. If anyone has any suggestions for dealing with this that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this, as well.
