I have been having weird thoughts lately. Every time I get upset, I would have images that would flash in my mind of me cutting myself or of me committing suicide. It has been going on like this since I was a senior in High School. I would often have panic attacks at night because I was so scared of these images. Four years later, just when I thought everything was fine, it started up again after a huge argument with my mother. I told her later that night that I would keep all my thoughts to myself because I never wanted to be a burden to anyone else. I have always thought these were my problems to deal with. She told me that I needed to speak to a counselor or maybe even see a therapist and be put on medication. The problem is, I am afraid of therapists or counselors and I never want to be put on medication because I am afraid that I would have to live the rest of my life on them and become addicted to them. What should I do?
Find someone you trust, a friend or sibling, and talk to them about it. Often times, keeping things bottled up only stresses you out even more. This is what leads to these dark thoughts. I've learned through personal struggles that you can never deal with these kind of things alone. You don't have to see a doctor or therapist necessarily, but find someone who cares about you and will listen when you need to vent. Sometimes, venting every so often is all it takes to feel better. Otherwise, try to clear your mind. Read a good book, listen to music, or watch funny movies. Trying to distract yourself from these thoughts will do a lot. I hope you feel better soon!! (:
First of all, it's completely normal to have visions like that. It can be scary, but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. If they cause you anxiety, then that is something you might want to try and fix. Your mom is right about seeing a therapist, I know they can be scary but their job is to listen to your problems and help you find healthy ways of coping with your anxiety, and to help you understand where these feeling's come from. You don't have any reason to be afraid of them. I would definitely recommend seeing a psychologist first. They don't prescribe medications like a psychiatrist and since you don't want to be on medication I think it would be a good idea to try and find a way to deal with your anxiety without medication first. However, these medications are rigorously tested before they're put on the market and the risks associated with them are minimal so there's no reason to expect that you would become addicted.
If the psychologist thinks you could use medication they might refer you to a psychiatrist, so be prepared for that.
In the meantime, I would try to create a habit of generating new, healthier thoughts in place of the scary suicidal thoughts. Anytime you think of that, just think of something nicer, anything. Your favorite animal, your favorite food, something that made you laugh. Don't let yourself complete these thoughts, the more you let them occur, the more it starts to become an automatic process for your brain. The best way to stop them is to break the pattern.
I hope this helps a bit. Pm me if you like! Good luck!