Resentment

Might be long and I may get off topic but here goes nothing:

I have the biggest grudge against my parents and it has come to the point where I cannot speak to them about anything important without arguing or leaving hot-headed.

When I was in around 7th grade, I realized that even though I got like mostly A’s and all, my parents would yell at me for not doing well. They are Asian and have the “you should be a doctor” mentality. I have severe ADHD so I work 3x as hard to keep even a B average, and I don’t always handle pressure well. It came to a point that I was put down not only by bullies, but my own parents at home. I felt like my life was an endless cycle of me being a disappointment, so I was very depressed and suicidal. I recovered by listening to music and making new friends, but damn was that hard. I vowed that after I was better I would be independent, and would not rely on my parents especially for anything ever again if I had the choice.

I have gone through most of high school since then, and for about years now I have not really asked my parents for money, I transport myself and set up my activities and regiment my schoolwork. If they as me to do something, my initial instinct is to do the opposite, within reason.

Now almost finished with senior year of HS, I think of myself as a well rounded, smart and responsible individual. I have a good idea of where I am headed, trying for a good college and now the value of money, loyal people and hard work. I live in a great area and a great school and am well off in middle-class, but I don’t consider myself spoiled. I am very humble and generous, to a fault at times, even though I sound like I’m bragging here hahaha.

My sense of empathy towards others was something I developed after that dark period when I was suicidal. I came from a low, so I came to understand people and see the best in them. I see something nice in every single person I meet. So naturally, I see good in my parents. My parents went to NYU together, both have very nice jobs and we are in a fairly wealthy area. My dad is any extremely hard worker and know how to be efficient and get things done. My mom keeps tabs on everything, doesn’t forget much and is very organized. But then again they love to argue, team up on me and are not great with compliments. My dad has a huge temper and thinks that he knows best and love being in control of everything, including me. My mom is a perfectionist, hates my unorthodox method of doing things and needs to know where I am at all times.

Basically, I like being free, making my own decisions and learning things myself. I make tons of mistake, but it build character and helps me understand how the world works. They see things in black and white, while I see the world in vivid colors. Where my parents are confined to offices and spreadsheets, I want to have options and not have 9-5 hours. They thin they know everything about me and what is best for me, but yelling at me for doing my best at trying to impress them and looking down upon my passions and interests make me feel uncomfortable just being near them.

Am I fair in kind of hating them? I mean I feel emotionally abused. I am already hard on myself, what with me being extremely insecure due to all the shit I dealt with in the past. Almost 18 years of being alive and my best description of the people who raised me and should have supported me the most is: They were one of my biggest struggles in life to deal with.

link

Nick Tong

239

6 Answers

I know I'm supposed to say you should forgive your parents and realieze they love you but, excuse my unprofessionalism screw them. You sound great and parents are suppose to love you unconditionally not judge you. I think its great that your so independent and the fact that your parents were so hard on you made you a better person but honestly I have this belief that anyone (even family) who makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth your time. Of course you should always be polite and you probably wont be able to cut them out completely but I were you I would follow my passions go to college and live happily ever after hahaha. Of course you can take this all with a grain of salt cause I have a chip on my shoulder considering my "family anyways your not wrong for harboring resentment they seem like a piece of work but you seem great and that's all that matters

link

Coolsoda

415

It's a wonderful thing that you're so hardworking and independent. It's also great that you see the world in "vivid colours" because imagination is everything. Most parents who are that way are like that because of many years of hard work drilled into them. They are told how to do the job and what it takes to get it done. It saps away your creativity and innovation. It can have extremely detrimental effects on your entire life because of how, as you said, black-and-white everything becomes. You do have reason in disliking your parents because of what they have done to you, that shouldn't be how you raise a child. I'm sorry for what you've been through, however it's a good thing that you turned out alright. You're privileged enough to have friends who are there for you, live in a good area, be wealthy, and go to a good school. These privileges served you well in life and it shows a good thing about your character that you're not taking them for granted.Your parents, eventually, will have to learn to accept you as you are. There's nothing wrong with who you are, as long as you're happy and headed down the right path keep going. Don't stop. Keep your heart in the right place and you'll definitely do fine. Your parents will learn to see that you've become successful and hopefully see their mistakes. If they don't, you can't do anything about it. Just please don't cause any resentment, I know you've had a bad history but family is family. You only live once and you don't want this burden of family holding you back for the rest of your life. If you live resenting your parents and in anger of what happened to you in the past, it will stay with you forever. Best of luck with everything my friend :).

link

Silent Radiance

1,657

Please don't hate your parents. Deep down there they just want the best for you bcs they love you, so saying them didn't love you was..well kinda wrong in my opinion (although I can't agree with your parents as well).

Maybe all the things they said to you/they want you to do was the thing they've done in the past and make them WHO they are now, and probably they consider them self successful. Or even the things they WISH they've done it to become more successful. One thing that maybe your parents forget that you are you. They should help you, guide you, not forcing you. Well sometimes force is more useful in some cases tho... but not this one.. Okay back to topic!

In this situation, try to be the more mature party. Don't cut your parents out of your life, you can still ask them their opinion and you should try to consider it too. If you don't agree with them, then tell them calmly. If they begin to lashed out, try to control your emotion. If you're really as good as how you tell us then its only a matter of time till your parents realizes that you are right. Sorry for my english :D good luck!

link

blueberrycheese

146

Oh my gosh!!! I know exactly how you feel I was in the same situation at you at that age dads always nagging turning everything into a lesson and seriously can nag for hours over one lesson moms always picking on the little stuff it really gets annoying! Is that what you feel now? It's ok I was there my parents is Asian too I was depressed too. Let me tell you something I learned since I have a few extra years of eating rice before you. Asian parents never compliment their child they don't award their child they don't let their child know they're proud of them because they want their child to set their own standards their own limits to how good they become I don know if you understood that but in time you will. At 18 I resented my parents you can even say I hated them but in time after I calmed down and I learned everything they teach is a life long lesson they want you to be perfect because they know you can. My suggestion is be grateful you have such awesome parents that pushes you that wants you to be better, as for the nagging they don't stop they never do what changes is you actually find peace within yourself to accept those lessons to improve yourself. No offense to everybody else but Asian parents hold their child to a much higher standard than anybody thats why they're also much more prouder than most parents they have a much tighter control over them cause that's what kids who doesn't know the dangers of life needs. My suggestions to you is not much you seem to be on the right path, you will understand soon young grasshopper :) just calm yourself and listen to you parents with your heart and not your emotions :) I hope this helped and I wish you the best of luck I'm glad I wasn't the only one who went down that road cause I definitely would go through all that a thousand time again. You can message me anytime if you need any help its definitely not easy but it's definitely worth it :)

link

Mj1993

408

Oh my goodness, I think we have a COMPLETELY same problem! But you are actually more amazing since you can really show them that you 'hate' them or something and In my case, my mom is a lot like your father -___-But first go first, we are our own individual and not something that our parents should control in every aspect they could see. But I think that our parents generation have set their minds that our generations is no good at all and they only think if they set us free, all we do are sex and drugs and robbery or something like that. And because of that, they won't let us feel the 'freedom'So I think we (I use we here coz I want to do the same thing) should go and talk with our parents, cool headed with many cups of tea and coffee as well as our favorite snacks in case we really get annoyed with our parents individuality so we can just sit and eat while regaining our composure again, We should go and talk about our future with our parents (since my mother also insist that I should be a doctor) Do you have a dream? Let's talk about dream and let's... just force them to acknowledge ourselves as our own Tell them that and you should also think from your parents point of view, since all the teens around me are crazy and love free sex, so I'm quite positive if I tell my mom that I'm not like them Talk with each other a whole night, while keeping your feet on the ground and let's solve this problemWe should be grateful that we still have our parents in the world, I dunno what I should say here, but hey, just be happy. I hate complicated things like problem, so let's both do our best, kay? You do what you should do and your parents do what they should do (providing us with everything we need until we're old enough to fly without them) and don't forget to thank them in case our talk goes well!Fight-O!

link

Reine

I wouldn't say that it's not fair to hate your parents. You have a right to feel bothered by them sometimes, and you don't have to love people because they are your family, but you must realize that they love you and only want the best for you, which may or may not be what you think is best for you. They have their own perspective as parents and you have your own as their child. I get it; parents don't always consider their child's feelings when saying things or making decisions, but they try to do what they think will best help you in the long run. I don't always agree with what my parents do, but I set that aside when it comes to how I feel about them. Maybe it would help you and your parents if you talked to them about your feelings and struggles. If you don't think they'd listen to you, find another adult who they would listen to you. From what I've seen, some parents have a hard time changing their ways, or even don't want to, but if your parents' first concern is you, as it should be, then you could persuade them to go a little easier on you.

link

Makoto

170