(relationship advice needed) I relapsed 2 days ago, and my boyfriend got upset…

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He’s been through a lot too, and he has self harm scars.
He keeps absolutely everything inside and refuses to talk to me about it. (Mother is a drug addict, not a good relationship with uncle, etc).
I tried talking to him about it, and he just full on stopped talking about it and switched topics.
He sometimes has these moments where he just starts talking, venting. Always going the opposite of what I say and always making negative thoughts toward everything and we start to argue about the stupidest and pointless stuff, but he never lets it go. Then he’ll just stop and be silent and apologize.
It’s upsetting to me because I want to help him so bad, but he won’t let ANYONE in.
I know he’s really messed up, and has some issues, but I’m always going to be there for him, so please don’t tell me I should leave him, because i’m not going to.
But does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make talking to him easier? Or just suggestions on how to make our relationship a bit smoother.

Category: Tags: asked January 28, 2014

5 Answers

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You sound a lot like my fiance, and I sound like your boyfriend, so I'm going to try to give you advice from that angle.

I agree with what people are saying, waiting for him to open up to you. You can't just pry your way in there; reverse psychology kicks in, and he will retreat. It may cause him to feel smothered. You can tell him how you feel, but do it in with plenty of "I feel" statements, like "I feel helpless to relieve your suffering and like I am being kept in the dark." But don't say it again and again; just once will do. Respect privacy. Also, everyone has different ways of dealing with things. Some people just don't like talking stuff out that much and try to think about neutral things instead. Repression is another topic entirely, but again, it's up to him. You also cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

You're also suffering from self-harm, so he might even fear triggering you or bringing you down by sharing his issues. You've cut pretty recently, so this might be part of it. This is the current dynamic with me and my fiance; I have scars but haven't cut in 5 years. I often feel uncomfortable discussing any urges to harm myself with my fiance, because I fear triggering him as he still has issues with self-harm.
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Well, first try sitting him down and try talking to him about this. It is a serious issue that he has to be talked to. I understand though, I used to be the same way, and I love to help people. For me and my boyfriend it is the other way around. Try to take his knifes, and try to kiss him and tell him how much you love him during the talk. Try to show your love to him as much as possible while you talk to him.
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And not like take his knifes or blades ect by force, try to get him to give them to you.
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I've thought about doing both of the techniques above, but they are both very different from each other. Me and him have been together for almost 6 months now, and this is still going on, feels almost like it's getting worse. I'm trying my hardest to be patient and understanding with him, but when he starts criticizing me and my family, it gets tricky... I know he doesn't mean it, and it's all his anger and pain talking, but it still hurts me sometimes.He doesn't self harm anymore (I know for sure), so there's no possible way he will give me his blades/glass/etc., but do you think sitting him down and forcing him to talk about it is a good idea? I really don't want to pressure him about this, especially since (as you said) it's a very touchy topic, especially for him.
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I didn't say force him to talk, I said try and get him to talk to you. Make him know he can fully trust you