Perfectionist Complex..

I can somewhat say I have a similar condition to your perfectionist-like lifestyle, but not on the level that you have. I would definitely not consider it "ill," either. I can also relate to how you don't want to spill your emotions and feelings out to another person, even if it is a therapist. I know it may be hard, but you need to find a way to trust them, whether it be a relative, or finding someone with an identical problem, in real life or online. I'm sure here at blahtherapy, there's someone with a problem like yours. And if you can't find anyone, you can talk to me.I'm kind of like you, to be honest. I want to exceed my standards, in a way that i'll be accepted, or someone will notice my efforts, but at the same time, I also procrastinate on my work, or I might not even do it at all. I think it's my lack of motivation. Everyone has a different reason. It may be hard for you to accomplish, because of your thinking of doing everything perfectly, but in life, it's impossible to do everything in life perfectly. I can guarantee that no one has gotten remotely close to perfect. You might think that some people are perfect, some people might think that they themselves are perfect. But nothing is perfect. Everyone has flaws, everyone has imperfections, it's what makes all of us human.Here is my advice: I know it'll be hard, but please try to consult a therapist, whether it be here or in real life. It's scary to pour your heart out to people, I know, but once you do, I can tell you from experience that it will feel like a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. I'm sure that you are beyond good enough for many people out there, you just have to find the right ones. Find people with mutual interests.Also, when you question why you keep yourself alive, please don't question why you keep yourself alive. Life is the most precious thing any person can own, don't throw it away, you can find the most beautiful things all around you. Suicide is really never an answer, and I hope that later in life, you'll think about how you feel now, and be glad that you're still alive. Sadness and happiness are a part of life, no one is happy their whole lives, as sad as it seems. But, no one is sad their whole lives either. Please learn to look at life and appreciate it, because it will get better soon.I hope this helps you in life, even a little. If you read this whole thing, thanks for listening to me. Please smile, you won't regret it.

Perfection is unattainable. The closest you can get to it, is to be pleased with what you have accomplished, and I know that's difficult when the standards others/you set are exceedingly high, adding unnecessary pressure which makes us think 'what's the point?' and not do it at all. But when you see limits and areas for improvement, it makes your work better because you know where and how to improve it and I'm sure when you realise that you don't need it to be perfect, you'll be happier. That and a friend, whether its someone close to you or on this website, you've taken the first step by opening up! and I'm here for a message too :) Don't hate yourself, loads of people go through this and its unrecognised so you feel like its just you, but it's not. I'm sure your parents don't think that, I think you'll agree when I say that you came to the worst scenario, because you are so hard on yourself. I know why you feel anxious about seeing a therapist, a friend on this website rightly said 'it's hard to say you inner thoughts out loud' but they went into that profession to help people like us :) I think you should do more things you like- music, books, TV, try going outdoors more and you'll see that life is worth living. All these cells keeping you breathing because you are the purpose of life.

Try to accept yourself as you are. List out your positive and negative characteristics then work to develop them. Try talking to your family and friends. Sometimes all you need to do is talk. I'm pretty sure if they love you, they'll understand you and help you out.

You need to address your faulty thinking. The people closest to you and the people you have pushed away already know that something is wrong, and therapists do not judge. Look at the reality of it at ihaveatherapist.com.

You are allowing your problems to back you into a corner. Stop and ask for help. Bite the bullet, swallow any pride, and push past the fear. You are limiting your own options by allowing all of this to pile on top of you, cutting off every avenue of help or relief.

The Law of Unintended Consequences and the Wizard's Second Rule both state that "the greatest harm can result from the best intentions". In your panic to limit the "damage" you perceive yourself to be the cause of, you are propagating your own problems further!

Stop focusing on your mounting problems and focus on the solution. Nobody ever put out a fire by screaming in fear.

I have the same problems. I have often contemplated suicide because I feel like I am useless and not good enough for the people around me. I actually find solace in being alone. It gives me time to think, cry, scream and anything else that I feel will help relieve stress. I am not going to tell you to be happy with yourself because I know that didn't help me whatsoever. But, try to find something, anything that you like about yourself. Focus on that. Maybe you're good at juggling or writing or you like the color of your eyes. Anything will do. When you feel like you shouldn't be here anymore just think about it. Think about what the world would be losing if you weren't here. I don't know you and you don't know me but I definitely think your life is worth something. It gets hard to want to live sometimes but just remember that someone out there cares about you. They will care if you are gone.